544 – Kiss Me Goodbye . . .

Breakaway
By:
Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray) 0

Trying not to reach out
But when I’d try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes til’ I touch the sky
I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved
I’ll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes til’ I touch the sky
I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved
I’ll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swingin’ round revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
and break away

Yeah, today counts as interesting . . .  Still no note, but . . . I honestly didn’t expect one, anyway.

Well, I woke up, pushed the Snooze button, slept another ten minutes, got up, got ready, and left.  I got up to Kean probably around eleven-thirty, parked in the back, and started walking.  When I was about halfway to the piano room, I saw him walking towards me.  I waved to make sure it was him, and he waved back.  That’s when I put on my little antennae-bobbing-headband thing.  He stopped, shook his head, and kept walking.  When we were close enough, I called out, “Does this honestly surprise you?”  He shook his head.

We walked back to my car after deciding that we’d go to the Chinese buffet place.  So, I had to park in the recesses of the parking lot, (of course,) and I was looking for the car.  Jason asked a couple times how I could lose something with a huge smiley on it.  I just grinned and kept my mouth shut, because I was actually driving my new car.  Well, we found it, got in, and went to the buffet.  Had a good time there, just talking and stuff, and I heard Breakaway, the song to the right for the second time that day, I believe.  Plus, part of “For Good” from Wicked was circling my head.  Glinda’s part.

“Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

Anyway, we left the buffet, and as we headed for the car, Jason held out a fortune cookie for me.  I’d forgotten to grab one, and he said something about never leaving a Chinese place without grabbing a fortune cookie.  We went to my car so I could grab my jacket and headed out to the creek.  We passed these people who were doing yoga or something like it near the bleachers, and I commented on how I could do the stretch they were doing.  Jason said he couldn’t, and I glanced at him and said, “Yeah, flexibility fo a dried stick,” and gave a short laugh.  He said that he couldn’t believe I still remembered that, to which I said that, as I wrote in a past entry, I remember everything.

We stayed at the creek for a little while.  Jason was skipping rocks again.  Lol.  He actually managed to skip this, like, four pound rock a few times, but then tries a lighter one, and it just sunk.  Lol.  We were making jokes about me writing about him skipping a boulder down the creek.  So, after about fifteen minutes of skipping rocks, and trying to get a fallen tree branch out of the way, I suggested going back up on the grass.  He washed his hands off in the creek, and we went up in the shade under the Stephen King Devil Tree.  I sat down, and asked him if he’d made a decision to what I’d asked him three weeks ago.  He sighed, and started pacing around me.  I asked if he’d sit down, since when he paces, he doesn’t talk.  Instead, after a bit, I ended up standing up, repeating my question.  That was when he hugged me, saying he wished he didn’t have to answer, that we could just hang out there, skip rocks, talk, laugh . . .  I think I pushed back, and said, “Yeah, but I do need to know.”

It was cooler in the shade, so he asked if we could move out into the sun, so we did, and I sat down again, looking up at him.  I don’t remember specifically where we were when he answered me, but he gave the answer I was afraid of.  That he was just going to wait things out.

I questioned him on why, and what about the things that I’d voiced? while we were in the sun, and then when we were sitting over on the bleachers.  He surprised me.  He didn’t show as much hesitation in answering me as he has in the past.  And considering how long I’ve waited for answers on some things from him, that’s saying something!

At one point, I don’t remember exactly what we were saying then, but he jumped off the bleachers and started walking towards where I was parked.  About halfway there, at the edge of the gravel lot, there’s this garbage can.  I caught up to him when he reached it, and fast enough that it surprised me, he pulled his foot back and kicked it.  I put my hand on his sleeve, and he turned around.  Two different times there, we hugged.  One of them, we were hugging, and I just kept thinking, “I want to freeze this moment forever.”  And I eventually murmured it.  He pulled back and asked what I’d said, so I repeated it.  He asked why, saying that this wasn’t exactly a happy memory, or something of that sort, and I said, “Yeah, but at least here, your arms were around me.”

At the other point when we were hugging, I think it was after I said that, I found myself tearing, thinking that I don’t want to lose him.  I lost him once for three years, I lost him th

is past summer, I don’t want to lose another year and a half or more.  And I pushed back, and said that to him, as a tear actually escaped and fell down my cheek.  I said that I didn;t want to be someone he just put aside.  That friends didn’t do that.  Friends cared about one anothere.  Friends were there for one another.  And he said he probably wasn’t much of a friend, since he was never really around.

We went back over to the bleachers soon after, and we sat back down, facing each other.  I asked what he was thinking, and he said, “It’s kid of disheartening, knowing that the two times I’ve seen you cry were because . . .  Had to do with me.”  I can’t disagree with him.  He’s right.

There was another point, I think it was when we had just moved out of the shade of the Devil tree.  I’d asked him in theChinese place if he’s read any of my entries since his “Umm… Hi.” note.  He said no, that he hadn’t had the time.  I asked what about last Tuesday?  He couldn’t remember what he’d done last week at that point, but when we were oputside, he said, “I remember what I did last week.  I came here.  It wasn’t the same.”

We just sat, facing one another for awhile, I don’t remember us speaking that much, and Jason’s hands began to move, as if hewas playing a piano.  It was odd . . .  for a few seconds, or maybe longer, I felt like I was connected to his mind somehow, becasue I swear, I could almost hear the notes he was playing.  I almost wanted to grab his hand at several points, and tell him that I wished he could be happy.  I wanted him to be happy.  Because I . . . it was like I was seeing that old IM in my mind, where he typed over, “I only seem to be able to compose when I’m depressed.”  But I remained still.  And when he finished bleacher-playing, he actually, leaning back and said, “God, I wish I could compose when I’m happy!”

He asked if we could drive back to Kean and go to one of the piano rooms so that he could get down this thing he’d just come up with.  So, we went back there.  I dropped him off nearly at the door, and went to find a parking spot for myself.  I got a chair and sat down in the room with him, and listened to him play, just . . . enjoying being able to.  I’ve missed hearing him play.  So much . . .

In the piano room, we mainly stayed wrapped in one another’s arms for the most part.  We talked a bit, too, and both wished that we didn’t have a time limit hanging over our heads.  He asked what I was thinking at one point, and in answer, I kissed him.  He asked why I did about ten minutes later, and I said simply, “I missed doing it.”  He asked what about me liking Mike Keller, he thought I had a crush on him.  I said that yeah, I still did.  I didn’t share what I was thinking with him, though.

When we finally left the piano room, we walked out to his car, realized he’d forgotten his keys in the piano room, walked back, and he played a bit of a CD for me that he has in his car.  I leaned against his knee, his arm around my shoulders, and after the (admittedly, really awesome,) instrumental part he wanted me to hear, I asked if he could turn it off.  So, he did, and I asked him if he’d herd the song I tarted to sing at one point when he was walking around on the bleachers.  He said not really, he’d been singing something too.  I explained that mine was from Wicked, and I felt it described us fairly well.  I could only really remember Glinda’s chorus part, though.  But I sang that to him.  He said something about hoping that I’d changed for the better, and we hugged.  Then, just before I stood and stepped back from the car, I said I would miss him, he said, “Me, too,” and I leaned forward and kissed him one final time.

I backed up, and he closed the door.  I started walking back to my own car, tears starting to get me.  I got in my car, and listened to the tape that Jason made me of him playing those two songs.  One, well-known, the other, his composition.  I starting driving back, and I hit the Parkway, was depressed but *all right* as I was singing along with Defying Gravity.  Until I hit the lines, “Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity . . ”  That was where I lost it and started sobbing.  Luckily, I wasn’t going along at fifty miles an hour when that happened.  For whatever reason, in the two right lanes, traffic was really slow, so I did have time to get myself under control.

It was around there, though, that I wanted to talk to someone.  And since I knew Mike was at the orchestra thing with Dan, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone else about it just then, my mind turned to Mike Keller as someone to talk to.  Or just be in the company of for a little while.