526 – Same Ol’, Same Ol’. Red Shirt, Tan Pants

Phantom Of The Opera

Pitiful creature of darkness,
what kind of life have you known?
God gave me courage to show you,
you are not alone . . .

Though sometimes I wonder.

Life is like a long dirt road,
where I am just a speck.
People trample over me,
and I get very wet.

But now I am a rattlesnake,
poised, and ready to strike!

For those who do not follow me,
feel the pain of my bite.

Yet hunter’s still trample me,
and I’m so sad and alone . . .
that now I am a person,
sitting still as stone.

::Shrugs::  I’m just really depressed right now.  And I don’t trly have a reason to be.  Not really, I suppose.  I mean, Mike Keller did something today that he’s never done before.  He defended me.  Freshman Mike was playing Pokemon, th new version that’s out, Leaf Green.  And he said something about not being able to find the warden.  Now, I knew that the games are supposed to be better graphiced version of Red and Blue, but I didn’t know exactly how simlar they were, so I said, “You still have to find the warden?!” Meaning in the context of the game, that it was a feature that I didn’t know was still in there.  But he thought I was insulting how long it was taking him, and semi-yelled something back at me about how he’s only had the game for four days.  I explained what I actually meant, then  Mike Keller says something like, “Oh, yeah, because she was able to find the warden in five hours.”  And Freshman Mike said something like, “Okay, fine, sorry.”  And Mike Keller said back, “Yeah.  You should be.”

So, yeah, that was definitely nice.  But, I don’t know.  I’m wondering if this birthday idea for him is a good one.  I mean, it’s like he has no concept of what “fun” is.  Just laughing for the sake of laughing.  Just smiling because it feels right.  Just . . . having fun.  I mean, he competes.  And yeah, some people could argue that that’s what he finds fun.  But what about ridiculous little things?  What about the “kid’ in all of us?  What about finding fun in jumping into a pile of leaves?  Or having a snowball fight?  Or laughing at something, finding something so funny, that tears start rolling down your face?  He just . . . seems to have forgotten how to enjoy things like that.  And he doesn’t seem to want to remember.

Maybe that’s why I’m depressed.  Because not only do I worry about my efforts being fruitless, but I worry that he’ll shun the efforts because he doesn’t want to be reminded.  I mean, I know he’ll enjoy the draft tournament.  It’s competition, it’s card gaming, it’s a set of Magic cards he loves.  But the laser tag . . . 

Hmm . . .  You know, rethinking over today . . .  Maybe he just doesn’t know how to sit down and tell someone what he enjoys, what he doesn’t, etc.  Maybe I just need to listen.

I guess I’ll just continue follwing the advice in that one version of Heidi.  “Just keep asking questions.”  That’s really all I can do right now.  Heck, maybe I’ll just see if I can invite him over on a Sunday, and talk to him alone.  I can hope.

I do know one thing.  I’ve got to stop imagining conversations between myself and him.  Because I believe I did discover one thing today, and it still depresses me some.  That . . . none of the conversations I imagine will happen.  I mean, I admit, I like him, so some of these fantasies have been more romantic than others.  But it’s not those that I’m so much depressed about not happening.  I mean, I don’t expect those to come true.  I’d never expect that something I did would have any guy, let alone him, coming over to me, taking my chin in his hand, and guiding my lips up to his.  ::Sigh::  I can dream as much as I want on that acount, but I don’t expect it from any guy, let alone him.

But the different things I imagine as far as friendship between he and I . . .  I mean, I can’t even see those things happening, and . . . I want them to.  I want to be friends with him.  Well, I suppose to some extent, I am now.  But . . . I want to be closer to him.  I want to know what makes me tick.  I want to show him that there are people who he can see as equals, as confidants, as . . . I don’t know.

I think, though, the funniest part of today was when I walked into Game Factory, sat down, and my eyes fell on Mike Keller’s shirt.  Then on the cuff of his pants just above his shoes.  And I had to leave the table because I almost cracked up.  THE SAME RED SHIRT, TAN PANTS, AND BLUE OVERSHIRT!!!!!!!!!  So, I went, got my cell phone, and figured, ‘Okay, three o’clock, Andy should probably be home.’  And called him.  He was just coming up the walk as I called, so I was able to talk to him, and told him about the clothes thing, and we agreed it was Mike Keller’s “Monday” outfit.  And we were laughing about some other things, and then he had to go, so we hung up, and I went back into Game Factory.

Okay, I’m gonna go.  I hope the entries are back up soon.