Once Again, I’m The Anchor . . .

Dolly once told me, back during the summer with Mike, when I’d first met him, that I was the anchor of the three of us.  I was the strongest, I was the person who held things together.  She was right.  But I can’t help thinking, and thought then, that nobody realizes that sometimes an anchor needs support, too.  That someone should worry about the anchor.

Andy told me on an IM not too long ago that he thinks I’m the perfect friend…  Heh.  I’m no “perfect” anything…  I feel so bitter lately.  About everything.  Yet, I genuinely am concerned about those around me.  Melanie, and what she and Kenny are going through up in New York right now.  Andy, with everything he’s going through, and has been going through.  Mike, with… I can’t think of a way to shorten the explanation enough.  But I do worry about my friends.  The ones I see in person, or the ones I’ve only seen pictures of.  It’s not as if I’m just going through the motions.

Yet ever since that dream with Jason… What do you do when the one person you want to be there the most, isn’t?  What do you do when all you want to do is curl up and avoid people because you’re sick of it?  I don’t even know what “it” is!  It’s not not wanting to listen to others.  I’ll listen to problems, and give them the best advice I possibly can.  I don’t mind listening.  It… it lets me feel involved when people let me in on their lives.  It lets me feel I’m needed.  And I lke that feeling.

I hate that I’m feeling jealous of Andy and Mike.  The two of them are so similar… and Andy told me that that’s why he has no trouble blurting out things to Mike.  I mean, he doesn’t seem to have much trouble telling me things either, but I ask.  It’s like… Mike just has to be there, and … he talks.

I know, it’s stupid that I feel like that.  I mean, I know that it’s going to make Andy feel guilty, and I don’t want that.  I don’t want him to apologize to me for talking to Mike as personally as he is because he feels close to him.  That’s a good thing, and a rare thing, and a thing that should be cherished when you find someone worthy of that degree of insta-trust and bonding.  But …

I don’t know.  I’m feeling bitter about love and friendship in general lately.  Where’s my perfect best friend now?  Where’s my prince charming?  Where’s my ideals and morals and good intentions?  I’ve thought I met my perfect best friend who knows how many times over now?  And my ‘prince charming’ ten times more than that!  And yet, here I am, alone, and feeling insecure, and not needed, and wondering what purpose life can hold for me if I can’t even hold onto the one person who I still love more than just about anyone.

Life is like a long dirt road,
where I am just a speck.
People trample over me,
and I get very wet.

But now I am a rattlesnake,
poised, and ready to strike!
For people who don’t follow me,
feel the pain of my bite.

Yet hunters stll trample me,
and I’m so sad and alone,
that now I am a person,
sitting, still as stone.