I Was Talking To Myself Last Night

I talk to myself all the time. I even respond, assuming I’m imagining I’m talking to someone else. I just seem to automatically fall into attempting an imitation of their voices, too. Heck, thanks to me doing that in the car on the way back from Joey’s, I have a good section to add into my Penn Name story, though unfortunately, it won’t be in there for awhile. I’ve gotta develop the rest of the story first. I imagine, though, that everything I say, it impacts the imaginary person in some way. It makes them think, makes them wonder, and gives the the chance to make a change for the better. I guess it’s that I imagine being able to help someone be a better person, and they respond to it in a good way. Plus, it’s also an attempt to get my courage up to be ale to talk to some of these people at all on a deeper level than, “Hi, how’re you doing?” With some, I’ve gotten deeper than that without trying. Others, it’s been very trying. And others still, I haven’t reached down much deeper than just the superficials of communication. But I try.

Mike and Joey, at this point, have both told me that I’m what has kept them sane, or saved them, or I’m trusted more than anyone they know, or I know more about them than anyone, etc. Yet, I realized . . . I don’t want to be trusted that much. I don’t want to know that a person is mentally sound because of me. I don’t want to be the person who makes all the difference in someone else’s life. I’ve realized too much can change. People go away, whether you want them to or not, and you can’t put all your faith and trust into one person, because that person can betray you. That person can leave you broken and alone, and not knowing what to do, because who do you turn to, when it’s your best friend who hurt you? Yes, I have a lot of close friends. Melanie definitely is. As are Joey, Mike, Ryan, Dolly…

But I’ve come to the realization that as close as these people are to me, I only had one true best friend. One person who had the highest amount of my trust, and my faith in that friendship. And that was… while I’m not going to say destroyed, it has suffered severe damage.

Man is a fickle thing. It truly is. Our emotions are fickle, our dreams are fickle, our needs, wants, hopes, accomplishments, everything about us, it’s all fickle. We can’t say tomorrow whether we’ll still be in love, like today.
Or still be angry.
Or still be hoping.
Or still be dreaming.
Or still be sad.
Or even still be breathing.

We have no guarantees in life, because even the ones that seem like guarantees aren’t.

So, what am I really saying in this dreary entry, seemingly about, ‘every man/woman for him/herself, because nothing is sacred so we may as well just take what we can?’ Well, I can tell you that it’s not about everyone looking out for themselves because doing anything else isn’t worth it. But it is about looking out for yourself. I can’t guarantee that I’ll never do it again, but in the future, I’m going to try and not put all my trust into one person. Better a ‘most of’ degree with a lot of people, than everything with one person, I guess.

God. I don’t agree with that, though!! I want to find one person who I can trust completely, but every time I seem to, I get betrayed, and I can’t stand it! I don’t want to build from the ground up with someone else, I want him!! I want him to realize that he screwed up and to make things right, because whether he meant to or not, he betrayed both me and Mike, and not only that, but he broke a pretty big promise to me, and has been breaking promises to me since last semester at Kean!!! He needs to realize that he is at fault, and make up for it. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have slapped him, but no one can say that he didn’t deserve it. Frankly, he’s lucky I didn’t straight out punch him, like one person I know thinks I should have. Then, he wouldn’t have had to make up some story about a red mark, he would’ve had to explain why there was a ring imprint on his cheek, and a huge bruise surrounding the area!

I hate this. I just… hate this. I can’t do anything to change it, and he’s thick headed enough to remain thinking it’s my fault until the crack of doom. (Yay, Horatio! Heh…) And . . . I don’t know. I half-wish that other people would talk to him for my benefit, but a) I don’t think he’d listen as soon as he realized it ws about me. And b) I doubt that they’d have any real effect on him anyway. I said half-wish, though, because as much as I would love to hear about him being yelled out on IM’s or something… This is between him and me. Only the two of us have a good enough understanding of the situation. Besides, I don’t want to see anyone esle get caught in the crossfire.

AngelKnight: I know emotions aren’t bad. And I know that these are my feelings, and I have every right to feel them. But, when I get angry about this, or just angry about whatever in general, I lose my head. Yeah, I’ll think through the actions I want to do, but not the consequences of. I just think, “I want to do this. How do I accomplish this?” Then I find out, and I do it, and only when it’s over do I look back and think, “Ooooohhhh, no…” That’s why, if I have to choose one in this, I’d rather feel depressed. Because being depressed means that I write, and get poetry, and means that I won’t be influenced to do something stupid.

Joey: You are SO definitely a Vroom!! God . . . You know, Mike made the same guess? I just looked at him, like, “God, NO!!!!” You remember who I was trying to describe to you, who you said, based on said description, that you didn’t like? It’s him. If you need more, just let me know in a private note, okay? Bye. 🙂 🙂 🙂

–Notes–

Ryn: =) definitely some of my favorite Styx songs. Have you heard Castle Walls? [Shattered Thoughts]
—————————————————————————
tehehe *giggles* its alright to talk to yourself…hehe [andonemorething]
—————————————————————————
Stargirl my dad always said it was good to talk with you self sometimes it is the only intellgent convesaion you can have , as long as you very loss the argument with yourself. [Cailin’s Heart]
—————————————————————————
K**? [OrcDragon65]
—————————————————————————
I talk to myself too 🙂 You seem to be dealing with everything very well, and I commend you for that. I am still hoping that you can sort things out eventually. However, this is kind of why I never trust anyone 100%. I remember awhile back you thought I should. The thing I learned is, it needs to be earned over time. I’m just not too quick to give it all away. It’s because of people like Jason [Jewel*Rose]
—————————————————————————
I am always afraid to deeply trust friends. [Jewel*Rose]
—————————————————————————
Have I not said something liek this before? People make mistakes. It’s called being human, not betrayal! People are gonna screw up and hurt eachother, but you can’t always label it betrayal because betrayal is an intentional thing and leads to further horrors. I truly don’t believe Jason inten

ded to cause you pain. Nor did I ever intend to cause you pain. The only REAL betrayal I think… [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
…you’ve ever suffered was that thing with Will, because he KNEW what he was doing was causing you and others pain and still he continued to play you for a fool. ANd I do think Jason apologized in a round about Jason way in his note. There’s not enough space and I’m too cramped to explain here, so I’ll call sometime and talk w/you about it. [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
P.S. Please don’t hate me. I don’t mean any of these notes to sound like I’m siding against you, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything. I just…hate this. It’s stupid and childish and I’ve done this crap to myself enough to recognize that it’s stupid! Can’t you learn from me and just grow up? Be happy with eachother or miserable or whatever but… w/eachother!!!! [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
You love him, I know ytou do, and I know that deep in his scarred soul he loves you too! Why don’t the two of you stop it with this b.s. betrayal crap and get it trhough your heads that you need eachother! You need Jason because he brings out your protective instincts, and he needs you to prove that there are some people out there who aren’t going to hurt him for no reason, who aren’t going to.. [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
…just abandon him. He’s going to screw up sometimes! For chrissake! Look who raised him! But DO NOT ABANDON HIM! FIGHT, dang it! Both of you need to fight for eachother instead of letting your emotions roll over you and ruin a wonderful thing! [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
Thanks for leaving me a note.. I suppose the horrible truth that I came to accept was the fact that I wasn’t going to change how horrible a person he was. I can’t change whether or not he cares, and it’s so incredibly frusterating that I just gave up. I can’t tell you that that’s the right decision for you, but it made life easier for me. I miss him, but I think I’m a lot happier now. [emochick04]
—————————————————————————
Anger and depression, sorrow and loss… these are all emotions that make us who we are… we all dread them, and honestly, we all hate them, but we all suffer through them in our own way. Trust is the ultimate beauty. You already know that though. Trust in those who care, and feel blessed that people implicitly trust you. Know that I have faith in you, because you are awesome and pure of heart. [Angel Knight]
—————————————————————————
ryn: i LOVE the beatles! i grew up off of them! unfortunately all we have now are the imitation bands which, amusing as they are, just aren’t the beatles…. i do the talking to myself/responding for myself thing too. that way i don’t have to rely on other people to listen to my crap and i don’t have to worry about trusting them and whatnot. works quite well…. [(( paroxysm ))]
—————————————————————————
RYN: I would’ve said MUCH to him, as well, but I hadn’t the time. Now I do. ((insert the evil cackle of therapy here)) [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
aww… that little animal is CUTE on your diary discription. just wanted to say hello. HI 🙂 [Nora’s Diary]
—————————————————————————
Ya know, I talk to myself too. I actually had a moment at work where I wasn’t sure if I had yelled at myself mentally or out loud. And then I had to explain to a customer why I was blushing and that it had nothing ot do with thinking he was sexy or whatever it was he suggested to me. [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
Lemme guess, the punching idea was Pam? And, hey! What’s up w/her! She’s blocked me from sending her e-mail?? [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
Hm. Ya know what? If you don’t want him, can I have Jason? *hums tune to Love Shack* j/k Seriously though, I’ve had practice w/a nuts mom-in-law…. If I can handle that, I can handle ANYTHING. Okay.I’m done being whimsy. No more indulging my baser side for tomight. Going to sleep…. [HyacatDuncan]
—————————————————————————
ok. Just one more. Now, I’m done noting you for tonight. (Went through withdrawal.) Funny the moods I go through in short spaces of times. I went from angry, to wise, to morose, to playful and flirty, to…*yawn* sweepy…zzzzzzzzzzzz [HyacatDuncan]

Log in to write a note