Oh, Who Am I Kidding?

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not gonna be able to write an actual entry for at least a week. Everything I’m thinking I’m not going to put out for a public setting, because either it’s not appropriate, or it’s not something I want in a public setting.

I don’t know why, but I just decided to read Melanie’s diary from the beginning. Yep, I’m nuts. She has over six hundred entries. But a good deal of them are song lyrics/surveys. I mostly skimmed those, and read the “real” entries. Heh. It was interesting reading about what her viewpoint was when she, Dan, Shannon, and about six other people were at the ice rink and saw me and Mike there. (I know it’s over and done with, but the reason that Mike and I left after Dan got hurt is because we were about to leave anyhow, and then Mike found out about Dan cutting his chin open. And I saw him in the office, and he didn’t look that bad. But frankly, I just didn’t care what had happened to him. I figured, ‘okay, he knows the freakin’ date, he’ll be fine.’ And I was Mike’s ride, so he really didn’t have a choice but to come with me, and just worry. Horrible, maybe, but I was in no mood to deal with another hospital visit of Dan’s. I figured if he was stupid enough to play ice-tag with Claire, he deserved what he got.) Eh, like I said, over and done with, but there’s part of my side of that night. Yeah, I will admit, even though it’s been over and done with for awhile, reading what she said about me still stung a bit, but I am okay. I’d said no better about her during and before that time period. Besides, I did find it oddly amusing now. It’s a definite sign of moving on. Being able to read something like that and, maybe grimly, but laugh about it.

I hope you don’t mind my two cents here, Melanie, but . . . How do I say this? In a lot of your entries, you’d said how you didn’t need anyone, how you had trouble trusting, how you didn’t open up to others easily. Yet, I can’t help thinking that your very same entries show exactly how much of a contradiction those statements are. It seems that your statements of not needing anyone were just attempts to convince yourself of something that you desperately wanted to be true, because it scared you to put so much trust into another person. Or people. And, while I can definitely understand after some of your experiences, how you’d have trouble trusting, in so many ways, when you got on that diary, those fears disappeared. You’re this open person on your diary that I don’t know if I’d ever see in person. Your entries show insecurity, fear, apprehension, hopes, dreams, even some self-loathing in the way that you hated how you knew that others wanted to be there for you, wanted you to talk to them, but because of your own reservations, you couldn’t. I know that at least in some ways, you’ve changed since the girl talking about your break up with Rob. I know that in many ways you’re a different person than the one who had the group of Dan, Shannon, Jacqui, Denny, Rob, and who knows who else. But, and last night was one of those nights, I still sometimes get the feeling that . . . Well, in art, there were some days when it was like you were wearing a neon sign around your neck that said, “LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, I’M PISSED AND YOU’RE BOTHERING ME. YEAH YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING YET, BUT YOU’RE STILL BOTHERING ME.” That general message just seemed to exude off you some days, and last night, I got that general feeling again. I don’t know if it was accurate, it’s how I felt, though. I guess . . . it’s like you don’t know what to make of people who aren’t so alike to your mindsets. I notice that a good deal of the people wo you don’t really have problems getting close to, or trusting to a larger degree, are the people who are like you. Sarcastic, opinionated, speak-their-minds, bluntly honest, like that. Yes, I’m opinionated, but I’m not bluntly honest because I don’t like hurting people for the most part, and I’ve never been one to directly speak her mind, because I grew up being shut up by others who didn’t want to hear it.

In all honesty, yeah, I wish I could speak my mind more. I wish I could just directly tell a person what I think. But I suppose in a lot of ways, I have a fear of confrontation, unless adrenaline is involved. When I’m pumped for something, I’ll do it. And getting pumped for whatever said thing is usually requires angry, or some similar emotion. Because when I’m angry, I’ll look for a confrontation. And if I find one, I don’t let go. But if I’m not angry, I shy away from it. ::Sighs:: I suppose that’s my advantage this week. I’m pissed as all Hell. I just have to wait. One week . . .

–Notes–

hmm.. maybe you have PMS or something. I mean EVERYBODY is like in a “LEAVE ME ALONE” type of mood when they are … think about it. 🙂 [Nora’s Diary]
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I’m anxiously awaiting when you feel you can write again, I truly enjoy reading your entries, because they are often, extremely inciteful, and very poignant. *smile* Don’t give up yet, the best has yet to come! [Angel Knight]
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No offense, ma bon am, but if adrenaline is what it takes for you to speak you mind, to be openly opinonative, you must have large and unnatural reserves of it. I’ve known you…forever, I gues, and I’ve never known you to bite your tongue. Not one bit! It’s one of the few things I truly rely on in this world! It stings, but is comforting at the same time. [HyacatDuncan]