This Is Why I Question My Speculations
“I spent all my childhood wishing I was somewhere else. Off with you, on one of your adventures.”
I come up with theories for why things are all the time. Or why people do things, one person in particular, anyway. And I always question those speculations. Always. Half-because I’m not confident enough to say, “Yes, this is it. I’m right.” Half-because I don’t want to get that sort of cocky attitude. I’ve noticed, over several notes that I’ve gotten, that people assume to know what makes me tick. They feel they know the reasons I do things, or have done things, they feel they know who I was, how my emotions ran, etc. I use Melanie as an example here. In her most recent note to me, she said that my bitterness towards Dan spread out and affected everyone who was also friends with him. She’s right. That bitterness, and all out sense of mistrust spread out to everyone I knew who also knew him. I didn’t know who I could trust. In many ways, and also thanks to the immature freak who decided to become my Phantom Diarist, can anyone blame me for not knowing who to trust? I had sideline friendships, at best, with most of these people, and when the chips were down, they were nowhere in sight. (I was going to put “nowhere to be found,” but that’s way too corny of a rhyme.) But regardless of all that, I wrote my “Soul Rebuilt” entry as a way to say that while yes, I’ve been through a helluva lot, being abandoned, being betrayed, being threatened, losing God only knows how many people, having fights with people over stupid stupid things, all of that, I still learned a very important lesson. I’d always considered geting out of a depression/anger/whatever thing to be I guess, a group job. Your friends help you do it, and you’re a better person because of that help. But I was wrong. Jason, from the start of when we reconciled, was there for me, whenever he could be, and he taught me that while yes, he could catch me, and keep me from falling any further, I had to be the one to climb back out. But he’d be there with a safety net.
I was talking to myself in the car as I drove to Barnes and Noble tonight. I quoted my ever popular line from Young Sherlock Holmes: “I don’t know what to do.” But then, I realized that I knew exactly what to do. I have to go on as I have been, be the person I know I can be, and not let my past actions get in the way of that. All I can do is explain my past actions, words, etc. If people don’t believe me, then it’s their loss, because I’ve learned the value of honesty. And I’m striving to be more honest with my feelings as well as my thoughts. And that’s something that Dolly needs to accept about me. She says I should have been able to deal with and accept her decisions, because it wasn’t like it was having an effect on my life. That’s a load of BS if I ever heard it. Using Melanie as an example once again, (sorry about that, but there are a lot of things in your diary that just mirror how I think on a subject, or that are perfect things to describe what I’m feeling,) she has a friends who’s father is dying of cancer, and that pains her to know, because their family’s were so close. According to your “my decisions shouldn’t affect you” line, if that’s true, then her friend’s father’s cancer shouldn’t affect Melanie in any way. True, it’s not exactly the same. The man did not ask to get cancer, but even so, an altering in her friend’s family, and life, affects her. Just as your decisions affected me. How could they not, after all we talked about? How could you dropping out of high school, becoming a mother at 18, and marrying someone about three weeks before said birth not affect me??????
Not to mention that accepting and dealing is a two way street. You were ready to lynch me, (meyaphorically,) for telling you that Jason was someone who was also hurt back then. You wouldn’t accept my word that he was hurt too, that he hadn’t been the selfish jerk that for whatever reason, you made him out to be. I never hated him!! I never insulted him “for years” to you on the phone! I thought you got over him a few months after it happened, and you refused to talk about him, whether insult or good memory after that! You couldn’t deal with what I was saying about him, that I was friends with him again, and you couldn’t accept that I saw some good in him. You know that that’s the truth. Now, you tell me how you can say something so hypocritical as, “My decisions shouldn’t affect your life.” Because you know what? They did. Just as my decisions affected yours.
::Sighs:: I’ve gone off-topic once again. My original topic on this was how the people around me make assumptions as to my actions, and the motivations behind them. And frankly, I hate that. It digust me that even now, you seem to refuse that I’ve changed in any way, Dolly. Oddly enough, though it may sound like it from the overall tone of this entry, I’m not mad at the people who made these assumptions. At least in Melanie’s case, as I already gave an example of earlier, she was right. It’s the fact that the assumptions are made in the first place that bothers me. Yeah, assumptions are made about peoples’ character, motivations, meanings, etc., all the time. Every day, people are judged based on who they talk to, what they wear, what they sound like, how they come across to others, but . . . I don’t know. I guess I expected that to be mostly strangers that it happens to.
Heh. I don’t know where I’m going right now with this train of thought. Yea, I’m upset. But I’m mostly upset because A.) I didn’t see this coming. This was completely out of left field, and B.) If she keeps feeling that I’m throwing the past back at her, what sort of gain is there to throw her version of it back at me? That’s a petty game, and I thought she said she’d matured past that.
And Dolly? I know you’re eventually reading these two entries. I’ve thought about what I wanted to say, and said it honestly, and while the tone of the entry may be angry, I for the most part, am not. All I ask for is the same courtesy. That you read these, and think about them before replying rashly. Because otherwise, we won’t get anywhere.
–Notes–
Oh Kate…I hope all this doesn’t turn into one big huge mistake…you’ve come so far…I think you and Dolly should stop communicating through print and actually see each other!!! [Jill*Rose]
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hey, i saw that movie a little bit this weekend. it was prety good. only watched a little of the first dvd, though. not on-line tonight on instant messanger. really tired and going to bed. what’s your e-mail? mine is nornna2004@yahoo.com if you want to write to me…. 🙂 [Nora’s Diary]
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I can relate to this. RYN: What note? [Cunning Linguist]
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I’m not angry, Kate. And I didn’t say you hadn’t changed. I said in many ways I felt closer to you, but that we’re still blocked in the same ol’ ways. You still, somewhere you can’t admit exists, harbor the feeling that if someone doesn’t share your disgust that they’re WRONG, deeply WRONG. And for me? Everything sounds like an insult or accusation. See, I grew up blamed for EVERYTHING… [HyacatDuncan]
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And I MEAN everything. When something went missing, my parents would always come to me asking where it was, accusing me of stealing it. My brothers blamed me for ACS investigating our parents…and yeah that was truly my fault, but for a good reason. I was TERRIFIED. I’d been hurt before and what was an innocent touch freaked me out because suddenly nothing was innocent anymore and never will [HyacatDuncan]
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be again. I was looked at like someone not to trust and treated, though I’m sure it was unintentional, like a pariah in my own family, so everything sounds to me like I’m getting pinned with fault. And pins HURT, like hell they hurt. SO, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I misunderstood you and I’m sorry I can’t get my thoughts out the way I want them. I didn’t mean to throw ANYTHING in your face… [HyacatDuncan]
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I was just venting. I’m sorry, okay????????? I’m sorry I’m a screw-up and can’t live up to your expectations of me. (Wow. That was a Labyrinth moment.) I’m sorry; I’m still working up the evolutionary scale of maturity. Ya know, I just saw myself in the mirror and my hair turned white in the front. [HyacatDuncan]
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I don’t know what to say in this entry that I haven’t already said in my entry. But You and Dolly have come so far in your friendship..don’t ruin it all with diary entries and notes. Call each other and vent all the feelings you’ve been harboring. Be Honest with each other. [SolarEclipse]
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Good luck again in working everything out. I know what you mean about saying things better in writing. (I’d like to see that note I wrote Mike a long time ago, just for curiosty’s sake!) Anyway for some reason i thought Dolly lived in NY…my bad 😉 [Jill*Rose]
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And yes those all Simon & Garfunkel songs. They’re from the 2-CD album “The Essential Simon & Garfunkel.” [Jill*Rose]
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it’s good you’re getting it all out… we share a hatred for assumptions… many people make them and it’s not fair to the people who then have to defy them to make it in this world. [Angel Knight]