Myself-Inspired (Well, Sort Of)
I just reread over Dolly’s entry, and gasped at what the time is now, because I only woke up about half an hour ago. ::Sighs:: I’ve gotta get my sleeping schedule back on track. And I’ve gotta call Dots at some point today to see what I work this week. Cuz we’re closed tomorrow. Obviously. Oh, and by the way, Dolly? If you read this entry, before calling me tonight, DON’T LET THIS ENTRY STOP YOU FROM CALLING!!!!!! I don’t care if my sleeping schedule goes out of whack, I haven’t talked to you for two years, so you know what? It’s worth it. I miss you, I love talking to you, I value every conversation that we have because I’m no longer taking it for granted that you’ll always be there, and I love you! You’re more than worth it for me to have an odd sleeping schedule.
Okay, now on to what my title means. Dolly’s latest entry is called “Katie-Inspired.” She wrote a letter to herself, of sorts, being completely honest, getting out what she was thinking, much like I did in two past entries. I figured it would help her at least start to learn who she is, and what she’s truly made of, because when people write entries like that, they find they have hidden strengths, or reserves that they didnt know they had. And these traits come out when we’re free writing, just letting the fingers type, just going on, rambling about senseless things, or what we think are senseless things, until we look back on it and realize, “Wow. That did mean something.”
The most important thing to do when something like that happens, when we’ve made a realization in one of these self-reflective entries, is that we remember it, and try to improve on the situation. My confidence and security in some of my friendships suck, because I’m always afraid that people are going to leave, that I’ll be betrayed, that I’ll wind up hurt and alone. But I’m trying to improve that, because I acknowledge that that it is within me, and it is something I can take steps to change. And I’m trying, because I realized that by always questioning whether someone will be there, or whether they will leave, they’re more likely to get fed up and leave. It’s odd with me, though. Once I feel I have proof of what the person is saying, that they value my friendship, etc., I’m actually okay. Or when I feel I have more . . . “power” is a bad word, but it’s the best one I can think of now. (Oh, by the way, Dolly? That one word thing on the note to you that I couldn’t think of is ‘paraphrase.’) I guess what I’m saying is when I feel I’m the dominant one, I have that security, because, well, that’s what dominance is. It’s when I feel like the recessive one, like they have a power over me, that insecurity takes over. Or whe there’s equality, oddly enough. When we’re on even footing, because they have their own resources to draw on, and I have my own, and we’re going head to head, and it’s frustrating because they won’t let down their wall, even though I have, and . . . Hmm. Maybe that’s a recessive one, too. But it isn’t, because we’re not.
Argh. Okay, now that I’ve completely gone off topic of what I wanted to say in this entry . . . My main point in all this was: Dolly, you did a free write, and discovered something about yourself that, while worried you, was something you hadn’t realized was part of you. Don’t just let that emotion be repressed in. For the love of . . . whatever Heavenly entity you believe in, please explore those feelings, or lackthereof, and do something about them. You deserve a better life than what you’re living. Somewhere inside you, even if you’re saying ‘No, I don’t,’ right now, somewhere inside you knows that that’s not true. You DO deserve a better life, and even if it’s from New Jersey, I’m somehow going to help you achieve that life.
You’re not a failure for not being able to stay in love with someone who breaks promises, breaks his vows, and everything else. You are not the failure in this marriage. HE is, because he doesn’t know the kind of person he has in his presence, day after day, who he should cherish. You, as far as I can tell, are taking steps, however small, toward making a better life for Bobby. And that is something to be commended.
Though I hate the comparison to one of my favorite characters from Lord of the Rings, it seems like Eric could relate to that one line Aragorn says in Return of the King. “It is but a shadow on a thorn that you love. I cannot give you what you seek.” And he couldn’t. I don’t know who your Faramir is yet, but if I haven’t given up hope that I’ll find my True Love, you can’t either. Heck, who knows? Maybe Jason is the guy for one of us. I mean, Faramir’s father is Denethor. And let’s face it, yeah, difference between male and female, but how accurate is that? ::Shudders:: Oh, that’s freaky. I never thought of that before . . .
Okay, I think I’m done. I’ve gotta remember what the heck I was going to describe in an entry for Jeff, cuz we were talking online, too, last night. I’ve missed that, and I’m glad he hasn’t fallen away from me as a friend. Yeah, maybe we’re not that close . . . but then again, maybe we are. In any case, I don’t want to lose him as a friend.
–Notes–
You communicate well with others, and your words of wisdom are spot-on….I’ve often employed the “Letters to myself” idea, and it’s been very therapeutic for me. That you would advise it for Dolly seems a good thing. [Rick 4.0]
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RYN; Yes, I do play guitar, and the blue one you see pictured is one that I have owned for a year now. Of all my guitars it’s my favorite. I not only play, but write music as well. I can’t quite describe what I do except to call it a cross between pop and folk, but sometimes veers into other genres. thanks for asking. Hope your friend calls tonight. 🙂 [Rick 4.0]
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the tides go out but when they come back in no ones to say we cant just jump out of the water and onto the beach where no tides pull [lost=one]
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Seriously, I’m loving everything this lone=one person writes. [HyacatDuncan]