“You Don’t Know Me”

“Better look again. Deeper. It’s like a kaleidoscope, isn’t it?””How can anyone who is fighting a secret battle for his life know anyone? And how can they know him?”

It’s this really good book I just read. About a guy who’s trying to survive in a world of things that aren’t things.

And I still can’t leave notes on your diary, Melanie, so I’ll once again say it here. It sucks about your Mike. It just plain sucks that the most unreliable, frustrating people in our lives are the ones we really need the most . . .

On that note, I didn’t go up to Kean today. I don’t know why I’m surprised that there’s no note asking what happened to me. I don’t know why I’m surprised that there’s no E-mail from him, asking if something happened to me, or if I’m okay. I don’t know why I’m the least bit surprised by his lack of communication. Two E-mails a week, indeed. I can’t believe any of his promises, I can’t trust that he’ll do the things he claims . . . You know, if he actually does get out of this state for the rest of his college education, I’ll be glad for him that he’s out, but I know that I’ll completely lose track of him. The two places he’s looking into are in Texas and Utah, and I can’t drive there! But if he doesn’t E-mail, or snail mail, or IM, or anything, how can I keep contact? Sometimes I just want to give up. Not stop being friends with him, but basically just back off, and let him come to me. Yet, I’m afraid to, because I don’t think he will come to me. And as much as he frustrates me with all this, I don’t want to lose him. He is my best friend. But on the same token, how can I have a best friend that I can’t trust to stay in communication with me? Yeah, I can trust him with any information that’s in my head or heart, but if I say, “Promise me you’ll E-mail me,” or “Promise me you’ll write that entry.” He never does. And the vice versa is true, too. He won’t tell me things, unless I drag it out of him, and even then, he refuses to confirm a damned thing. Yet, he’ll trust me with any object at his disposal. Literally. He once said that Dolly and I had abandoned him. I wonder . . . is how he’s treating me now his way of getting back at me for what he perceived as me abandoning him? Frankly, it might as well be, for how I feel right now. I don’t like it when my emotions are toyed with, or when someone continually breaks promises to me that aren’t hard to keep. True, I don’t know what happens when he gets on that computer at home, but I do know that he makes frequent stops in the computer lab at Kean. So why can’t he drop an E-mail or a diary note then??????

I don’t care. Yes, I do. I can’t pretend I don’t. But in a way, it’s both. I care, but I don’t. I don’t know. All I’ll say is this: I’m not going back up there to see him unless he gives me a reason to. An IM, an E-mail, a diary note, telling me why I should.

AND IN CASE YOU’RE READING THIS, JASON, I MEAN AN ACTUAL REASON. NOT JUST YOUR USUAL, ‘YOU KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD,’ NONSENSE. OF COURSE I KNOW WHY I SHOULD, BUT I ALSO KNOW WHY I’M NOT, AND UNLESS YOU CAN GIVE ME A REASON THAT OVERRIDES WHY I’M NOT, THEN I WON’T VISIT.

Furthermore, I don’t care if that type looks imposing. It serves you right for doing this to me once again. I’m not abandoning you, Jason. I never did. But I will not take getting toyed with and having this many promises broken, even from you. There’s point with me for everyone, and this has nothing to do with patience. You insist that I have to be more patient? Well, you have to stop being so stubborn. That’s why all this is happening. Just because you refuse to trust, and you’re stubbornly sticking your feet in the mud to stop yourself from moving. Well, the current’s gonna wash over you and lodge you free at some point, Jason. Whether I’m there when that happens or not is up to you. I await your answer. I hope you don’t leave me waiting, once again, in vain.

–Notes–

I don’t know why you can’t leave notes in my diary..but Its slightly weird and irritating. Anyway..I wish I could offer you some advice about Jason, but since I take basically the same crap from Mike..I’m in no position to offer you advice. I take it from Mike because..the moments when he is sweet, and kind and a good friend..to me, outnumber the moments where I want to poke him with a really [SolarEclipse]
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sharp object. I guess my logic is..I’d rather talk to him once every two months then not at all. Granted, Mike knows I think he’s a jerk..but he apologizes. I understand it’s not all about Jenn..it’s that he’s busy with work, school, the theater work..blah. But still..it’s frustrating that I think I value the friendship more than he does. Ugh. MEN! In the words of my sister..you should poke Jason. [SolarEclipse]
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in the eye with a really hot french fry. My sister is weird. She’s going through the same thing you are with her best guy friend…she is constantly ranting about him in her diary..and her entries are hilarious *lol* [SolarEclipse]