“The Girl I Mean To Be”

I don’t think I’m meant to be close to anyone. I was thinking, ever since I saw Dolly’s new entry about Grace. I’m not jealous, just so everyone knows. I am happy for her that she has someone who means that much to her. But it’s left me feeling . . . lost, I’ve realized. A lot like I did my senior year. Like I was a leaf, blowing freely on the wind. And I don’t like that feeling.

I can’t help wondering . . . who am I Number 1 to? I know, in some ways, it’s a silly question. I know that I should be able to confidently say that yeah, I’m definitely Jason’s closest, bestest friend. But I need to hear it, to be sure.

I hate these insecurities I have! I mean, I know I mean a lot to Jason. I have evidence that he thinks about me in-between the times we see one another. And I’ve gotta admit, whether singing it, or having it sung to me, that song did relate. Yet . . . I don’t think I’m meant to be close to anyone. I love being close to a person, but when I am, my insecurities crop up, and take over. I can’t help thinking that I should just become a hermit or something. Going out in the world ocassionally, making some difference in some person’s life, and then disppearing again. It’d be a lot safer that way. I wouldn’t have to worry. I wouldn’t have to be afraid of who I lose. I wouldn’t have to be hurt. I wouldn’t–

Oh, my God . . .

So this is what the other side of the looking glass is . . .