300th Entry — Great Expectations

I don’t remember a lot of my childhood with Dolly. I remember some things. How we’d play Barbies or My Little Pony up in the pink room at Nana’s, and we’d always get into a fight, and she’d pack up whatever she’d brought, and storm back to her house. Then, later on, one or the other of us would feel bad, and we’d make up before I had to leave. After reading Dolly’s entry, and especially since I’ve been reading over my Red Binder lately, memories have been flooding back to me. Dolly and I always professed to being best friends. Best Friends For Always And Forever. But the more I think about it, the more I realize, we weren’t. We were two people who didn’t have anyone else. We needed to rely on each other, because who else did we have? Yet, I think that sub-consciously, we realized, somewhere deep down in our cores, that someday someone else would come along. And I don’t think either of us knew how to deal with that. Not for a long time, anyway. And whatever bond we did have wasn’t as strong as it could have, and should have, been. That was why there were the chasms. That was why I would feel like we weren’t connecting. That’s why she would ask if someone was replacing her. I understand exactly what she was saying about loving Grace, about the soulmate thing, love of her life, etc. I understand that completely. And . . . it hurts.

It hurts to know that I’m not number one in her life. Okay, I don’t expect to be now. But . . . as selfish, and stupid, and hypocritical as I know it is, I can’t help feeling hurt that . . . that I’m not the number one best friend to her. That I have been replaced. And from what she said in that entry, it happened, or started to happen, when we were still calling ourselves best friends.

I’m not jealous of Grace. I’ve met her, and I remember her being a really nice, cool person. I hope she knows that she means this much to someone else. It’s just . . . I guess I didn’t expect anyone to take my place. I mean, I know. Anyone whon reads any other entries of my diary will be sitting there saying, “But Jason took Dolly’s place a long time ago. How can she be saying this?” I know. It’s hypocritical, and selfish, and stupid. But while yeah, Jason has taken over Dolly’s standing as my best friend, she holds a place in my heart that can’t be touched. I have a backlogue of memories, and laughs, and tears, and I don’t even know how much more stuff with her. Nothing will erase that. She’d probably say the same thing, to be honest. Because whatever reason we were best friends, we have . . . “You and I have memories/longer than the road that stretches/out ahead.”

Dolly was my first best friend. I can’t remember a time when we didn’t know one another, save for those two years. She was my first best friend, and I always thought she’d be my last. But I’ve learned things change.

It’s hard. But things do change.

I guess I’m okay. Yeah, it hurts. But, not that badly. I guess. But, Dolly? I am glad you found someone who means that much to you. It’s just weird. With the shoe being on the other foot, and all.

–Notes–

wow. that entry kind of smacked me in the face and brought me to reality. It kind of portrayed the exact situation that is happening with myself and my best friend… Having longed to take a step back and view it from a different stance, maybe this is what I needed. I don’t want the change that I see and feel creeping upon us. *sigh* I wish friendship could be forever. and yet in ways it is. [a flawless defect]