You Think You Know . . .

I wonder why people say we should learn from the past so that we won’t make the same mistakes in the future. We always make the same mistakes. People commit suicide, and if they’ve written a note, they always say they didn’t think anyone cared about them, they were abandoned, they’d lost hope, etc.

But how many people today know that they’re cared about? How many entries on this site are from diaries where people think they’re alone? I tell you, if I had had this site when I was younger . . . let’s just say middle school may have been a lot different for me.

I look to the diaries of people I call my friends and I wonder . . . How well do I know any of you? I taslk to you over IM, phone, or maybe I see you sometimes, but . . . It doesn’t dictate how well I can see you. Yeah, from the surveys on your diaries, I might be able to name your favorite colors. Your favorite bands. Or type of music. Or movies. But what about your dreams? Ambitions?

I remember what was. I remember when Shannon wanted to be a marine biologist. When Melanie wanted to be an artist. When Jill wanted to work as a chemist in IFF. I recall when I wanted to be an actress, or singer. Anything, as long as I was on the stage. I’d still like to do that. I wish I could get into a play, or have a part in a movie, or something.

I want to make my mark on the world. I want to make a difference in people’s lives. I want them to know they aren’t alone. I want people to read my novels, and to think, ‘hey, I’ve been through something like this. I’ve felt this way.’ I don’t know if I can actually succeed at that, but I just wish that I could know . . .

I know I’ve made differences in people’s lives already, but . . . to what end? Wht have I really done for anyone? Have I actually helped? What have I done for your lives?

If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say about me? What would you wish you’d asked? What do you wish you’d done?

Dolly and I have some deep- rooted similarities. I know she speculates on things like this, too. In one of her entries, she’d said that she wondered who would miss her if she disappeared, would I know she cared about me, etc.

For anyone who reads this, I just want you to know, I’m not being rhetorical in my questions. I haven’t been being rhetorical. I wihs I could get answers. For anyone who reads this, I encourage you to write your own entry, answering my questions, and asking some of your own. Then, leave me a note, saying you’ve written it, okay?

Show me I’m not alone in the dark . . .

–Notes–

Ya know, if either of us died, neither one of us would ever know because it’s entirely TOO likely, no one would even inform us of the other’s passing. Grr. But, ya know, no matter how often we’ve fought w/eachother in our long history, no matter how stupif those fights were, I have never stopped lovin’ you and likely never will. Your my blood sis, god-sister, best-friend, saviour of summer… [HyacatDuncan]
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…vacations, fixer-upper of summer-loves, a talented writer and artist whose work I actually ENJOY, kind, intelligent person to whom I owe lots and lots. I’m sorry I’m a lousey friend, but I really do TRY, ya know. I think our problem is likey the fact that we both have TOO much drama in our lives apart from eachother and end up taking it out on the only people who will listen to us: eachother. [HyacatDuncan]