Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number

I decided to dust off my Steely Dan CD and listen to it tonight. The two songs I remember liking by them were Reelin’ in the Years (beets!!), and Preztel Logic. I had completely forgotten about Rikki, don’t lose that number. I loved that song when I was younger.

I’ve been wondering something lately. Well, not so much wondering as much as . . . discovering? Maybe. Perhaps concluding is a better word. Because I don’t think true love exists. I mean, think about it. We meet someone, we fall in love, and we say we’ll be in love with them our entire lives. But then, things happen. Lives change, people change, and the person that we fell in love with disappears. Anyone and everyone who falls in love and gets married when they’re twenty can look back when they’re forty and honestly say that the person they are with is not the same person that they had been twenty years before. Therfore, how can love last? I mean, the people that you both have become may be people that neither of you can stand, let alone try to love.

I always thought that when I fell in love, it would be forever. I thought I was in love with Mike, and I’m sure a part of me actually was. But I was also younger and stupid then. I didn’t know what love was. I don’t think I know now. I don’t think anyone, even people who think they’re in it, know what it is. It’s not something we’re supposed to know, I don’t think. It’s something we just have to have faith in, I suppose. But I think I’ve lost my faith in love. As long as Mike’s living here, I’m screwed. I can’t look for someone else to love, because he couldn’t deal with it. Yeah, I have a lot of resentment built up against him. I hate that he seems to want to spend every waking moment with me. Going up to Kean is such a release, because Jason doesn’t do that to me. I know he enjoys my company and wants me there, but I want to be there as well. I suppose that’s the difference. I want to be with Jason. I love spending time with him. I don’t like being around Mike, though. He always gives me that clueless little “What?” whenever I say to get off me, or to quit leaning on me, or whatever. He looks over my shoulder when I’m online, and I can’t stand that. And I’ve told him such, too! I don’t know. It’s like, without me around, he doesn’t know what to do. Why can’t he get a life? I’m not his life, and he’s not mine. I know that, why can’t he realize it?

Okay, I’m off that ranting. You know, I’ve read Melanie’s diary, as sporadically as she writes in it lately, but still. I can’t help thinking that whenever she talks about everything being fine now that Kenny’s living with her, that she’s . . . sort of automatically on the defensive about it. Like she’s thinking that everyone asking about it is expecting her to fail. Admittedly, I know what happened between me and Mike when he moved in here, but it wasn’t because he moved in here, and her and Kenny are two different people under some very different circumstances. So, they could succeed whereas Mike and I failed. I’m not calling any bets on it, because it’s a coin toss for any couple. Moving in together can be the best thing for one couple, and the worst thing for another. Long story short, maybe it’s my imagination, but it’s like she expects people to expect her and Kenny to fail. Honestly, if he is the great guy that she says, and he can make her happy for her entire life, I hope that they’re the first coin-toss couple I mentioned. Because at least one person I know deserves to be happy.

I still laugh when I think about Jason joking about me and Ryan getting together. Yeah, we’re sitting at Ryan’s wedding, years in the future, Ryan’s future wife walks down the aisle, they’re taking their vows, and Jason leans over to me, “There’s still time!” I’d just look at him and be like, “No, there isn’t!” Lol. At this point, I have more fun teasingly flirting with Ryan than pretending there’s anything romantic there. He’s a great guy.

Okay, I think I’m gonna go. I’ll write more later.

–Notes–

Yes, People change..but loving someone means loving them despite changes and differences. It would be boring if everyone stayed the same way forever..Variety is the spice of life. People change, people grow, but true love grows along with the changes. If you truly love someone..you respect and love their growths and changes..and maintaining a positive outlook usually doesn’t hurt either. [SolarEclipse]
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I don’t know what love is exactly..Kenny doesn’t know. But we’re having faith in each other, in our feelings for each other..and if your honest, respectful, and willing to experience life and it’s changes with someone you love..then that is all you can do. Love has no guarantees..but being cynical about it isn’t going to make it go away or stop it from coming into your life. I was more cynical [SolarEclipse]
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about love anyone..but I decided to stop being cynical and just let whatever happens happen and live life moment to moment. You need to relax and live life to the fullest and just be happy with where the wind takes you. As for my “reassurances” about my relationship with Kenny..those aren’t for myself. I have a close friend (Lee) whom I can’t speak too in person, over the phone or anything like [SolarEclipse]
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that right now. Our diaries are the only communication into each others lives..the updates about Kenny and myself are for her, so she knows everything is okay. It’s tough having a close friend who lives in Canada..who’s phone is turned off. She can only read my diary from work..thats our communication. Just thought I would explain that. In any case…Relax!!!!! [SolarEclipse]
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Hey Kate. Sorry I haven’t been on IM. Too depressed to talk. Thanks for all your notes; I really appreciated them. I only wish I could borrow one of your cats but my mom just doesn’t want a cat again. I want one so badly. To fill the void. Anyway I’m trying to feel better and I’m going to fill out that survey you have on your previous entry. [Jilliebean]
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OK to comment on this entry…I feel bad that Mike is making you feel this way. It truly is unfair to you. The best thing would be for him to move out but I know that’s not possible right now 🙁 Anyway I used to feel that true love didn’t exist, at least not anymore, or not for me…but you know what, it does…you’re just feeling down on love right now is all. True love is that which withstands [Jilliebean]
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the test of time. It’s okay that you loved Mike once…he just wasn’t your one true love. EVentually you’ll find that person. It takes longer for some people than others. But like I said, true love lasts through all the changes, all the time…the best you can do is hope that it finds you soon and that you don’t pass it by because you’re afraid. [Jilliebean]