“I Worry About You, You Know”

I never thought of myself as an open person.  As someone who speaks her mind.  Speaks her heart.  As someone who, despite the openness, hides behind things.  I don’t repress things, but some things, I don’t want to think about.

The title has significance, because Jason said it to me last night.  I found myself not even thinking, “You don’t have to,” though.  Because you know what?  I know he doesn’t have to.  But I also know that I’m his best friend, and that me saying not to worry about me will have about as much effect as me saying the ocean shouldn’t be salty.  ie–It wouldn’t change a bloody thing.  Just like it wouldn’t change a thing as far as I go about worrying about him.

I wouldn’t tell him that he doesn’t have to worry about me, though.  Because I liked it when he told me that.  I liked it when I was so specifically told that my welfare concerns another person.  That he was actually honored that I trusted him as much as I do . . .

Honestly, he’s the reason I still have faith in trusting at all.  Yeah, rehashing again, but let’s face it, anyone who knows our history would have good reason to say that I probably never should have trusted him again.  And I couldn;t very well, for a long time, tell said person that they were wrong.  Except for an odd feeling I had that they were.  But I could never explain it.  It’s like how I knew, once I met him, that Mike Keller isn’t arrogant.  But what was he?  That’s what I couldn’t describe.  It was the same way with Jason for so long.  Something told me, right down to my core, that everything that happened, everything I went through, it didn’t have to do with him.  Not the way that Dolly thought.  Or my mom thought.  Or whoever thought.  He wasn’t responsible for it.  I suppose something in me told me that he still cared.  That he’d never stopped caring.  But my eyes and brain saw something completely different, and I was tired of being hurt, so I hardened my heart as best I could, and just tried to forget him.  But that gut feeling never went away.

It’s what eventually got me to ask him for his screen name.  I trust Jason with everything.  I’m secure in the knowledge that I can confide anything to him.  I’m still learning exactly what he’s done in situations where I’m concerned.  I mean, some things have never occured to me, for some strange reason.  I don’t know why.

I find myself not having the little insecurities around him that I normally do with other people.  I know that he holds my trust as something very dear to him, as he so perfectly proved last night.  I know he wouldn’t betray me.  That thought doesn’t even come to my mind.

The only thing that scares me about his and my relationship is . . .  Well, I don’t know how many people would understand this one without an explanation, but I don’t feel like typing one out because my hands are cold, and I want an apple.  But, I just hope to God in high Heaven with all his glory, that Jason and I never know one another one hundred percent.  I hope we never know one another that well.  I don’t know what will happen to us if we ever do . . .

I wonder . . .   Will he understand why without me telling him?