It Starts With “P” And Ends With “Hysical”
I was thinking about this when I was driving home. Last night, I was at Jason’s, spending time with him, and I’d gotten depressed over something. Well, Jason patted/rubbed my shoulder for a bit, while saying that he’d make some hot chocolate and we could curl up in our blankets, and I could talk if I wanted to.
When I was younger, physical contact wasn’t something I was used to. I never really hugged people, I hated sitting close to others, and no one else wanted to be around me. I was the “cootie” person in grade school.
Yet now, I hug just about everyone. It’s my goodbye. I’ll give a person a hug. It’s odd how many things can be taught. Because I used to feel awkward as all get out when I hugged someone else. But now, it’s a comfort to be in someone else’s arms.
Especially whe I first met Jason, physical contact almost seemed to scare him. But he’s different now. It probably sounds stupid, but it’s like he’s learned to hug. To care. To . . . I don’t know. Lol. I’m not even sure I know what I’m saying.
::Sigh:: Well, Jason said I should write this out if I couldn’t say it . . . I do believe when he said that this doesn’t make me a bad person. Things happen and you grow because you learn from the things. I just . . . wish this was a lesson I hadn’t had to have. I mean, how can someone who porofesses to hate that so much become it? Even for a short period of time? I don’t even understand how it happened to me.
It’s like I’ve said before. There are very few things that I’m downright ashamed of in my life. But this one’s going to follow me to my grave . . .
It’s odd, though. Jason was sitting next to me last night, just waiting for me to talk, and I said that I found something funny. Years ago, when Mike and I first met and got to know one another, he always knew just what to say to get me to talk to him, or to admit something, or whatever it was. What I found odd was that I never knew, until last night, that sometimes the right words . . . were nothing but silence.
I do admit something else. I felt a bit guilty that he’d said he knew it was a hard subject for me to talk about, and he wasn’t going to press if it was that difficult for me to admit. The guilt comes in the fact that I’ve known that I was pushing difficult things for him to tell in the past, and I don’t let up. I’m consistent, and persistent. Who knows? Considering him, this could be another ‘lesson’ of patience from him. Perhaps one he didn’t mean to teach, but I got something out of it just the same.
I couldn’t have asked for a better person to come into my life. And the usual fears aren’t there, either. I hope they never are. Because of all the people I know, I want to know Jason when I’m old. I want to do the senior citizen skating with him that we were joking about last night. I want to race him around a rink when we’re seventy.
But, just like I discovered on Monday when I saw him for a little while, the future is the future. Whatever happens then will happen then. I want to enjoy my life now, and he’s a big part of it, and I love that.
–Notes–
Yeah, the hugging thing always used to be a problem for me too. I hated people in my personal space, now I love it. I really enjoy a hug from someone I care about, it makes me feel so much better. [Yorkshire Lass]
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hey this is kaia— i got a new diary and have some more entries…stop by when you get the chance! [*~pinkpolkadot~*]
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sounds like things will all work out in the end [lost=one]