Random Thoughts

I was just thinking.  On the main page of FOD, it had a thing about it being FOD’s 5th anniversary, and what we thought about the site, why we joined, what kept us writing, things like that.

Jason told me about FOD.  He was the one, back in . . .  April? who told me that Dan had a diary on here, and that some of the entries had less-than-flattering things to say about me.  I checked it out, found the entry that Jaosn was specifically referring to, and . . .  Well, let’s just say it was the first time Jason heard me curse.  Or, saw me curse, since we were talking on IM at the time.  He said later that he honestly expected the roof of my house to suddenly blow off, or something.

I read several of Dan’s entries, getting angrier with every new entry I read.  Then, I realized that people were able to leave notes.  And I immediately recognized that “SolarEclipse” must be Melanie.  She always had something with the word “solar” in anything she did online.  Her website, if she still has it, her screen name, and so I found out, her diary.  Quiet Observer called Dan “Bob” at one point, and I realized that had to be Shannon.  And the others, I figured out because of their diary pages.

At first, I had fun just reading through their diaries, laughing about the fact that I had started a diary, and that it was . . . a one-way-mirror, of sorts.  I knew theirs existed, but they didn’t know mine did.  I could observe them, what they wrote, and none of them knew that I was doing it . . .  Huh.  Odd.

Anyway.  After a little while, that diary became something of a . . .  I don’t know.  I kept hoping that someone, Melanie, Dan, Shannon, whoever, would find mine and read it.  I wanted them to know I was hurting.  I wanted them to ask if I was all right.  I wanted to know I was cared about.  I wanted to know if I was cared about.

Right now, I don’t remember which entry I showed Melanie.  I will once I check out the front page, I know.  But I remember thinking that . . . I just couldn;t do it anymore.  I couldn’t keep it a secret.  It’s possible they already knew about it, since I had left a note on Dan’s, and Melanie had seen it.  She’d guessed that it was me, I think.  But I don’t know if she ever looked at my diary before I showed her that one entry.

I felt a lot better after she’d seen it.  It felt good to know that instead of being alongside everyone else, but not seen, that somehow, I was now included in their circle.  Things aren;t the same.  I doubt they ever will be.  If nothing else, all of us have changed as people.  We’ve grown up, we’ve grown out, becoming friends with other people, changing in little ways because of them . . .

And I’m okay with that.  Whereas this diary started out as my way of laughing at all the people I’d been so hurt by, now it is a sactuary for me to come to.  I receive friendliness, support, advice, and a lot of other things here, and I hope that I give out the same things to the people I note.

Thank you, everyone.  You’ve all made such a difference in my life.  You know who you are.

–Notes–

I’m glad having a diary here has made such a positive difference for you. 🙂 [*~Advice~*]
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I only have one friend that know’s that I have this diary. I don’t think I would like it if all my friends could read what I write about. It’s cool that you can do that :o) [Mousekawhitz]