Considerations
I’ve been thinking over the past few days. I’ve wanted to write an entry that expresses everything that’s been going on in my head. I’m still not sure if I can, but I’m going to try.
I had a conversation with Melanie not too long ago, where I was asking her about a note she’d written, where she said something about how I don’t think that she talks to me as much as I talk to her. Well, that’s how she phrased it in the IM. I admit, she’s right. I don’t feel like she’d come to me to talk to if she did have a problem, or something like that. I mean, yes, I say it’s understandable. After everything that has happened between us, even though we’ve moved past it, trust takes different lengths of time for different people to be built back up. So, perhaps it is a combination of the fact that she doesn’t usually talk her problems out with others, and prefers to handle them on her own, added to the fact that the level of trust she feels for me isn’t as high as it could be. I don’t know. It’s speculation. But as I said, I do feel as if I talk to her, and dump all this stuff on her, and like there isn’t a fair commuinication, since she doesn’t do the same with me. I don’t expect her to tell me all, or even any, of her secrets, or anything like that. I just wish I didn’t feel . . . Like I was sapping all her listening time and possible advice, and not giving any back.
I realize that I’ve gotten down to the very roots of my being over the past six months or so. After almost completely losing myself to emotional ruin, I’ve come back all the stronger, determined, and persistent. I will not be beaten, and I’ve had the experiences behind me to prove it.
I’ve acknowledged and overcome so many insecurities in the past month or so. Most of which are due to Jason. Yes, the insecurities and the overcoming. Thanks to him, I’ve felt . . . almost a primal connection between us. The simplest, purest, and most incredible bond of friendship. I love him, he loves me, we’re there for each other, and we understand the other. Melanie talked of unconditioanl love. Well, she couldn’t have been more right. That’s exactly what it is. I’ve never experienced it before I met Jason, but since I know what it feels like, I hope that I will experience it, in different ways, many more times.
You can never fully express to someone else exactly how much they mean to you. You can make comparisons, you can write poems, you can name songs, but what does it all matter? How can you write down the words in your heart? Better question. How can you write down your heart?
“Play the sunset.”
I do find it a bit ironic that my favorite song that Jason has written came from one of the worse days of my junior year. Oct. 4th, 1998. God, that night was horrible. It was a breaking point in the initial thing with Jason’s mom. But I also find it fitting that he wrote my favorite song that night. Why? Simple. I was desperately trying to find out who Jason was, and determined not to give up on him at that point. When he played it, it reminded me of a thunderstorm, with the rain crashing down, and I got a scene in my head when he played it a few weeks ago. A girl, running around, soaking wet from a thunderstorm, the lightning flashing above her in the sky, searching for someone.
Odd, huh?
I remember the reason I stopped fighting back then. Why I just gave up, and took to insulting Jaosn with Andrew in music class. You see, I don’t give a flying fig about his mom. She can go and hate me all she likes, I don’t give a damn, and believe me, the feeling is MORE THAN MUTUAL. I didn’t give up because of her. I gave up because of Jason. I thought he didn’t care about me. I thought I hadn’t meant anything to him. God, was I WRONG!! But regardless, I thought that. Now, however, I know better. I’m not going to drift away from him. He means too much to me, and I now definitely know I mean too much to him.
Okay, I think I went off topic here, but oh, well. I can always write more later. Yay for 152nd entry!! 13 conspiracy!! Bye!
–Notes–
just wanted to leave a note and if i would like to talk to you sometime…im me or email me at dragonangeler@aol.com…we can talk then or whatever… [Our Ship of Dreams]
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i forgot to mention that our ship of dreams is my other diary…you wrote me on mystical creatures 2…talk to you later… [Our Ship of Dreams] ————————————————————————— You are in no way burdening me with your issues with Jason. I don’t mind helping you out. I like listening and doing what I can to offer advice. I’m really happy with Kenny, and I’m hoping that someday you will have the same with someone, whether it be Jason or someone else. You deserve to be happy. If I can offer any advice I willingly do so. If you talking to me was a problem in any way..don’t [SolarEclipse]
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you think I would have flat out told you it was? You know how brutally honest I can be. Believe me..just talking and hearing about other people’s happiness makes me happy. I just..I don’t talk about my problems to many. It’s nothing personal..I just like dealing on my own. I’ve always been that way, and will probably continue to be that way. But don’t ever feel bad about talking to me. I’m just [SolarEclipse]
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glad I can help in some way. In any case..I’m glad you know how much Jason cares about you. I knew he did. He’d be crazy not to have realized how good a friend he has in you. I’m glad you have worked everything out so you don’t have to worry any longer. Jason is a good guy..a little confused, but good. Best of everything to you as always. [SolarEclipse]
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this is kamozbaby. im talkin to my boyfriend on the phone right now. he is tryin to talk me out of suicide. i dont know what im gunna do yet. [kamozbaby]
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I know the darkness doesn’t have to come back…but somehow mine always does… Talk to ya soon, Love, [ThisisMe.Finally.]