New Development In The Jason Saga

You ever just sit there, and are thinking about something and then out of nowhere, something connects in your head, and it’s just like, ‘Whoa.  Where did that come from?’  I had that kind of connection and exclamation happen to me earlier today.  I realized that Jason has LIED TO ME.  True, maybe it wasn’t a big thing to lie about, but the fact is, he LIED.  I HATE being lied to!!!!

I mean, him breaking his promises, I can put up with.  Him pushing me away, I can deal with.  Him doing everything else he’s been doing that’s rending my heart into a thousand pieces from thinking about it, worrying over it, or whatever, I can tolerate.  The one thing that I WON’T be made to accept, tolerate, or put up with, however, is him, my supposed “bestest friend” LYING to me!!!!

Okay, editing this so I can rant further.  I’ve been lied to enough in my life, from kids when I was in grade school, to my parents, to people in high school, to Mike’s mom, and I HATE IT!!!!  I swear to God, I’m telling him off so bad when I get up there on Tuesday. . .

::Sigh::  You know what the worst part of this is?  I’m fighting within my heart to stay angry.  Because I’m not sure I can.  Every fiber in me, in my heart, is saying, “forgive, forgive, forgive . . . “

“But how can I?” is what my head is asking.  He lied to me, and I’m owed an explanation, not only for that, but for a Hell of a lot of other stuff!  And I can’t guarantee that he’ll give it to me.  I can’t even guarantee that he’ll agree with me that he owes me explanations on these things!

I hate that I care about someone so much, who can hurt me so badly.  I suppose Melanie was right about that, too.  This is what unconditional love is.  Loving someone no matter what they’ve done.  Being able to look past anything they do, all the hurt they cause you, and seeing the good person behind it.

I should never have gotten together with Mike.  I was nowhere near ready to have a boyfriend.  So many people aren’t when they’re in high school.  Emotions run high, and so do tempers, and next to no one is emotionally mature enough, and old enough to deal with it.

I envy Ryan for that.  He knew he wasn’t.  He was smart.  I remember he once told me that he wasn’t emotionally ready to be someone’s boyfriend.  I envy the girl he does get together with, though, because she will be one lucky person.  She’ll be getting one terrific guy to love her, kiss her, hug her, make her feel like the greatest thing in the world . . .

I’m older than Jason.  Not just chronologically, because I am a bit over a year older than him.  But I mean emotionally, mentally, like that.  I’m at the point in my life where I’ve realized that sacrifices for other people aren’t sacrifices for me.  Not if I care about them.  Not if they mean something to me.

Life in general sucks right now for me.  But at least my thumb’s getting a callous from doing Chun-Li’s fireballs in Street Fighter so much.  Yeah, I beat up video game characters when I need something to do.  And aside from writing in this diary, and going to work, I haven’t had much to do.  So, I play that to take my mind off things.  It works, to a degree.  Just like everything.  Anything works, up to a point.  Bt there’s always something that happens that puts my mind right back where I started.  Thinking about Jason, what I’m going to say to him on Tuesday, how long I’ll be able to stay up there, contemplating what he’ll say to me . . .

I’ll be okay, I think.  As long as I don’t meet his eyes.

See, last time, I didn’t have anything to lose.  This time . . .

I have everything to lose . . .

–Notes–

I hate Being lied to also. What’s worse is when people know you hate being lied to and lie to you anyway. [Chico&Becky]
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I’m sorry Kate. I know the feeling. I can handle most anything from people..I’m mostly patient. But the one thing I HATE most in the world is LYING. It is the ultimate disrespect to me. I had that issue with a close friend of mine, and I was forced to end the friendship because I found out I was lied to about a lot of things. But that is me. You defintely should confront Jason about the lies… [SolarEclipse]
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but don’t get too angry until you hear what he has to say. Believe he has a good explaination (but there is no “real” good explaination) for lying. But be fair and demand the truth. Then go from there. But there is a thing as unconditional love. I know you love Jason, but don’t let him walk all over you. You don’t deserve that. Be firm yet fair. Good Luck! [SolarEclipse]</DIV