Another Contradiction In Terms
I was reading over my notes, and saw one that Melanie wrote about IM’s being impersonal. That over an IM, I can;t see Jason’s face, or hear his voice, and therefore, he can hide more efficiently. She’s right, of course. I can’t tell inflections in his voice, or a twitch in his face, or something like that. Yet, at the saem time, we’ve had some very private, very confidential, and very personal IM’s over the past two years.
I hate this. I really do. Because I read the advice that the Advice Giver person said. And he’s right. If Jason tries pulling me close, I should just push him away, and show him exactly how it feels. I know it could backfire, I know there could be repercussions, but it’s my last choice. Now, here’s my problem with it. Every time he so much as brushes his hand accidentally against mine, I melt. And I don’t even mean in a romantic way. Any romantic feelings are hereby out of this, because this whole thing is completely turning me off. But, the simple fact remains, when he touches me, I melt. How can I keep from doing that? I don’t knowe if I can. I’ve invested so much emotionally into this relationship.
That’s why it was so much easier when we first talked. I IMed him the first time, and he was being his normal, cryptic self. I’d had enough of crypticism by then, because it was just after everything started with Dan. I was NOT in a mood to accept Jason being cryptic, too! So, basically, what did I have to lose? I already had three years worth of unanswered questions, I couldn’t believe I’d been stupid enough to say I’d talk to him in the first place, and there he was, acting like it was fine to jerk me around mentally! What did I have to lose? I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that if he wasn;t going to talk to me straight, I was going to block him, cuz I was sick of being talked to like that.
And don’t you know, it worked? But then, I didn’t have anything to lose. I didn’t consider him a best friend at that point. I don’t know what I saw him as back then. I didn’t WANT to consider him as anything to me, important or otherwise. I wanted him to just become another face in the crowd. To fade from my life like so many other people have.
Maybe it would have been better if that had just happened . . .
No. No, it wouldn’t have. Not for him, and not for me, either. I don’t care what I’m going through because of him right now. I know that somewhere insdie him, he’s glad he has me, and I’m glad, despite this, that I have him, too.
So, this leaves me with a bit of a predicament. I won’t bluff him, because I not only promised I wouldn’t anymore, but if he decides to call it, what then? I’ll have gotten nowhere. Neither of us will have, except us both pushing the other a bit further away. And that, I don’t want. I don’t know if I want to push him away to show him how it feels, because I’m not sure that I can. It would mean, if he hugged me, or something, I’d have to stiffen, when all of my instincts, and every fiber of me says to collapse against him, hugging back.
He said once that he holds my trust to my own exceptional standards. If that’s the case, then what can he possibly be so afraid of? Or wary of? Or whatever? Because if I have such exceptional standards, then it would mean that I’m not going to, if I can help it, break any promises, etc, to him. And as I read over these past entries, I can see that I do have an exceptional standard of trust that I wish myself to uphold. I mean, I know his diary is there, yet I will not read it. I promised him I wouldn’t bluff him, and put our friendship on the line like that, and to that I hold. Even when he makes promises to me and breaks them, I won’t break mine to him.
Who am I? Am I being walked over, here? I mean, if this was anyone else, my God, I’d be pissed at them. Yeah, I’m annoyed, I’m exasperated, but I don;t know if I’m actually angry at Jason. I’m none too fond of his attitude right now, but . . . Can I really tell him off? Can I really stare at him so coldly, and tell him how much he’s hurting me? Can I put anger in my voice, and ice in my glare as I tell him? Or will everything just come out sadly, with hurt in my eyes? Despair in my voice? I won’t give up on him, not now. But is that what my voice will sound like? Or can I sound angry to him?
I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out on Tuesday.
–Notes–
You love Jason unconditionally. That is why you don’t do the same back to him..No matter how much his actions hurt you, you love him too much to do the same to him. It’s as simple as that. [SolarEclipse]
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Hey I know you think that you are hurting we all have had someone like that and don’t know what to do. I know you guy’s can wrok it out. I don’t know what to say about you taking him back I really don’t that is your choice but I know you will make the right choice for you. I want to thank you for beleaving me and helping through this I know I will get through this but It’s going to be a while. [Patrick45875]