Yet More Pissed-Off Rambling To Jason
Oct. 24th, 2003
Once again, I find myself wanting to say something to you. I cant believe after all this that Im still willing to put my heart on my sleeve for you. Right now Im asking myself why I dont just give up. Why Im not shaking my head in consternation at the fact that I call you my best friend. Back when we first met, I rather hastily, and I thought, rather accurately, called you my best friend. I thought I was wrong back then. Now . . .
How can I call you my best friend? How can I call you anything of importance to me? The ways that youre able to hurt me . . .
Its like Sara, with the Goblin King. “My will is as strong as yours, my kingdom as great. You have no power over me.”
But, guess what? Its wrong. My will is as strong as yours. My kingdom is as great. But you have an immense amount of power over me. More than once, the thought of losing you has reduced me to tears. The idea of you not being in my life sends shivers down my spine. The idea of not being close to you, in any sense, is enough to make some of these insecurities of mine come to life with a vengeance.
I dont know what it was, and is, about me, but for some reason, I got close to you. Maybe it is divine intervention, because any other normal person would have folded, given up, capitulated under your constant crypticism by now.
You know why people hide? Theyre afraid. People put up shells, and walls, and everything else because theyre afraid. It takes a very strong, very secure person to put themselves out in the open. To have them willing to trust and be open with others, and to be secure enough in themselves to not be broken by the first person who comes along and betrays them. I wasnt secure enough for a long time. I am now. You were right. “Youre not fallen, far from it.”
And no matter how much you hurt me, Im not backing down from you. I wont be the person who “takes a mile when youve given an inch,” but nor will I be the person who sits idly by, waiting for you to be ready to talk. People get pressured all the time, but a best friend never gives the bad form of it. Or never should, optimally.
Im quite sure that you have normal dreams and expectations of yourself. Somewhere inside you, you want to be “normal.” Somewhere inside you, you want to find people to trust, you want someone to love you for who you are, and you want to show someone who you actually are. But I dont know if youve even realized that that wish is in you. But youre not so different from me. Maybe I believed a lot more heavily in the happily-ever-after things, and in the soul-mate things, simply because I was that into Disney, and I had the perfect-best-friend and perfect-guy thing in my head, but I dont think that you dont dream about something like that. I think you want to be able to be open with a person. I think you hate that your closed-off nature is hurting me. I think you hate that you cant seem to do anything about it right now. I think you hate that you cant just break through whatever mental wall is blocking you. I dont think you like hurting me. Writing this way, for all these years is whats kept me sane through a lot of things. That red binder that holds so much of my past kept me from descending into madness when I was at my most desperate points in life. That binder knows so many tears shed, so many pains upon my heart, so many memories, so many smiles, so many laughs, so much anger. And Ive entrusted it in your care. God, I must be crazy.
Theres an ironic statement. Just after I say that thing has kept me sane, I call myself crazy. Lol.
–Notes–
“The idea of you not being in my life sends shivers down my spine. The idea of not being close to you, in any sense, is enough to make some of these insecurities of mine come to life with a vengeance” Such words are what I think of when I think ‘friendship, dedication, caring and even love.’ In my life right now, I could say those exact same words, and know how you feel. Stay strong. [My_Own_Fall]