. . . And I’m Not What I Appear To Be . . .
That’s a quote from a song I like. This title is, I mean.
I talked to Jason online last night. He read my entries, and then we, once again, went around and around in the familiar dance of crypticism. I hate it. I’ve written him a letter, more or less saying everything I’ve been thinking. I’m debating whether or not to send it to him in an E-mail. I think I want to be there when he reads it, if for no other reasson than to see his reaction. Or, knowing him, lackthereof. He’s once again reiterated to me that he sees me only as a friend. I guess I should accept it. Other feelings for him or not, he’s really getting on my nerves right now. I mean, he confirms to me, flat out says he dodged a question that I asked the day before yesterday, and then, not five minutes later, claims that he answered that same question! If he dodged it, he didn’t answer it, and if he answered it, he didn’t dodge it, so which was it? Did he answer me, or did he dodge me? And considering the question, if he did answer me, I wouldn’t have forgotten the answer! So, that leaves one option. He dodged me. Yet claims he gave an answer.
It’s like . . . It’s like he doesn’t see me half the time as anything other than a pesky, annoying, question-asker. It’s like half the time, he doesn’t see me as his best friend, and the half that he does is when I’m not asking questions. But questions is how you get to know a person! I mean, here’s another contradiction. If I say to him that I know him so well, and that I’m the exception to his one-way mirror way of life, he gives me this look, with thsi superior glint in his eyes, and says something like, “Oh, really?” As if it’s a challenge to him to hide himself further, and not let me in anymore. But then, the same thing. Later on, THE SAME DAY, he’ll tell me that I’m the exception to the rule, and that I do know him so well, and how I’m so close to him. I don’t understand it!! I mean, yeah, there’s probably the psyhcological defense factor coming into play. When someone outside of himself says something about knowing him well, he puts up a wall, and starts pushing them out. But I can’t just stop saying things about knowing him as well as I do. And I do know that he probably can’t just stop his defenses, but . . . sometimes it seems like he’s not even trying. Sometimes it seems like he wants me out, and wants to keep me out. And I hate it. He knows more about my insecurities than just about anyone, and yet, it’s like sometimes, he helps them run rampant on me. Like he’s trying to make me deal with them by making them come to life. Yet, if I try to do the same thing for him, help him deal wit anything, automatic wall. He “can deal with it alone.”
I know that someone would probably tell me to be patient with him, it’s hard to break habits or instincts like that, but . . . I’ve been patient for literally five years! I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I can;’t stand how he’ll see-saw back and forth with me. I’ve had it happen too many times with too many other people. I like to know that I’m close to a person. That I’m either being held by them, or I’m at arm’s length with them. Jason, I’m held, or holding, as the case may be, and just when I think we’ll stay that way, I’m pushed back, and I’m left floundering for a while, trying to get my balance. Just when I think I’m about to fall, though, he grabs me and hugs me again. I don’t know how much more I can take of it, though. I mean, in grade school, I got emotionally yanked around by people who I thought were my friends. I don’t want to go through the same things now. Yet, it seems I always do. Always am.
When am I going to find someone who won’t do that to me? Who I can be close to, and remain close to, instead of this?
Better question. Will I ever find that person?
–Notes–
I can’t give you the answers..It seems like I never can. I wish I could..but Jason is too complex for the likes of me. I don’t know what is going on in his head..I don’t even think he does. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, or claims Not to feel the same way..you have to respect his wishes and wait it out. If he doesn’t want to take the next time, then it won’t work if you keep pushing it. Just [SolarEclipse]
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be natural and let things take their course. I would send the email though..because maybe once he reads how much you truly care about him, he may open up more and relax a little bit. If that doesn’t work..you can communicate with Jason the way I do..just Kick him. *lol* Naw..that only works for me. It’s a long road ahead, but Jason is a special person. [SolarEclipse]
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I’m sorry Kate. It sucks when feelings are unreturned; you know I can relate. I myself would be wary of becoming a romantic partner to a guy who seems to carry so much excessive emotional baggage. It should not be your job to help carry it. Lord knows, we girls have enough of our own. [Jilliebean]
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Sometimes people will push others away when they actually need them the most. Just a thought. And yes, you will find the right person. 🙂 [*~Advice~*]
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I may know how you feel, maybe not. Im in a situation where I met a girl and we’ve become very good friends, but I have feelings of being more than friends. But she just got out of a long relationship and doesnt want to jump into anything real fast. We have a good connection and something special between us, but my feelings are something more. Who can I be close to? I ask myself everyday [My_Own_Fall]