Emotionally Capable

Emotionally capable.  Ha.  What a joke. 

God . . .

I’ve discovered it.  I was thinking about it all day today.  I had a crush on Ryan for about two solid years, and now that we’re best friends, we joke about that, and flirt with each other like mad.  It’s funny, really.  And it’s just nice to be able to do that.  But I’ve also often said that if Ryan ever turned around and asked me to be his girlfriend, I’d be able to say yes immediately, and I’d fall for him.  I know that I could fall hard and fast for Ryan.  And last week, I told Jason the same thing went for him.

But . . .

I was thinking about it today.  And I discovered something.  Ryan, I could fall hard and fast for. Jason . . . it’s not a matter of “could.”  It’s a matter of “have.” I mean, over the past two years, I’ve practically forgotten how good it felt to be in someone else’s arms.  The anticipation of seeing them, counting down the days, the hours, knowing you’ll see them soon, and when you do, this feeling of peace and relaxation just comes over you, and everything in the world is right when you’re in their arms.

SEE???  I sound like Melanie talking about Kenny!!  Yet, I’m supposed to be talking about someone who is ONLY my best friend.  But still, the fact remains that he’s woken up things in me that I thought would lie dorment forever.  When we first talked, and straightened out everything, I felt good.  Satisfied.  Like the questions I’d had for so long had finally been answered.  And then he asked me to meet him at Path-Mark once when he was closing, or on break or something.  I went, and when I saw him, it was like I was looking at him under a new light.  He wasn’t someone who hadn’t cared about me.  He was someone who certainly did, but didn’t have the voice to speak up before then.  He was someone who still considered me a best friend, despite everything I had done to him, or laughed at him about. The more I thought about things, the more I realized how much I still cared about him, and exactly how much I had pushed down, and tried to force from my mind.  I didn’t want to let myself care about someone who certainly seemed to not care about me.  So, despite what I felt, despite everything, I turned my heart against him.  But when I saw him that night . . .   Everything melted away.  I couldn’t hate him.  I never did, and I finally admitted that to myself.  I still saw him as the best friend I wished he had been able to be for the past three years. I loved him then.  I love him now.  The only thing left to figure out is . . . What do I love him as?

 My friend?  Certainly.  My bestest friend?  Definitley.  No question about it.  As my boyfriend?  To quote the griffin from Quest for Camelot, “Here’s where we enter a gray area.”  Because, yeah, I can undeniably say that I love him.  I do know that when I talk about Jason, I sound like Melanie does when she’s referring to Kenny.  I know that the world feels right, and I feel safe when I’m lying in his arms.  I’d forgotten what it was like, to feel that way.  Jason’s awakened that in me, too. I guess the advice I’ve been getting is right.  No matter how I feel, our Best Friendship is what’s important, and that is what should come first.  Even if it wouldn’t be the case with Jason and me, I know firsthand that getting toegther with your best friend, and then breaking up, can make the friendship take a significant hit.  And I suppose, if the same kind of hit were to happen to Jason and me, it’s not something either of us would be able to deal with very well.  To say the least.  He needs me, as I am, I think.  To just be me.  His best friend, his pushing force to answer things, to become more open, his persistent superb-human-of-relative-tinyness, his person to hold, and to give comfort to him.  And I need him.  As my confidante, my best friend, my security-issues person, and someone to give me comfort.

I feel better.  No less confused, granted, but on the upside, I wasn’t that confused in the first place. 

–Notes–

First off..I can’t read your font color…so fix that please. Yikes. So you’ve fallen for Jason…or rather you have just resurfaced the fact that you’ve fallen for Jason. It’s only natural..I guess. Our best guy friends are the closest men to us (outside family etc) and we trust them, respect them, and find comfort in their embrace and safety. The only thing I can tell you is to follow your heart [SolarEclipse]
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and be honest with yourself. Do you love Jason because of the amazing feelings of being close to him again? or do you *really* love him in a romantic way. These are decisions you need to make..but don’t rush into them. Before you make a decision..thing about all angles of the situation..but don’t overthink..if that makes any sense. But whatever happens..you know I’m here if you need me. [SolarEclipse]
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By the way..there is nothing wrong with sounding like me. But just for the record..you do talk about Jason as much as I talk about Kenny…hmmmm…But I’m not going to say “I told you so” or any of that stuff. Remember..just follow that your heart tells you to do. Jason is an amazing person though..so I could see why you love him. [SolarEclipse]