Security and Privacy

I was thinking tonight, and reading over the notes that I’ve gotten.  They’re so kind, supportive, and helpful.  Praising my poetry, complimenting my entries.  I love it.  This diary started out as my way of laughing at all the people who didn’t know I had it, but I knew theirs existed.  But now, it’s turned into a theraputic outlet, of sorts.  I’ve gotten closer to friends, I’ve made new ones, I’ve found an awesome person to get advice from, I’ve gotten into contests that I immensely enjoy and that help me think, and force me to consider things I haven’t in years.

I’m not a very secure person.  I never have been.  But *~Advice’s~* words about defense mechanisms made me think.  My entire life, I’ve lived extremes.  I’ve either been extremely confident about something, or extremely afraid about it.  Losing people is one of those things.  I hate losing people, I hate seperating from friends, and I’m so scared of losing the people I care about.  The more I care about them, the more afraid I am of losing them.  But I’ve been thinking over quite a few things.  Like the words I’ve said to Jason, typed to him, or whatever.  I reassure him that I’m not going to leave, yet why don’t I believe him when he says he values me too much to risk losing me?

Insecurity.  Plain and simple.  Which in turn, makes me constantly ask for reassurance from the person, which they get sick of after awhile, and that eventually seperates us.  In a lot of ways, I cause my own seperation from the ones who mean the most to me because of my own insecurity.  I’ve realized I can’t do this anymore.  Jason, especially, isn’t someone I can ask for reassurnaces from all the time.  He needs assurances himself, he can’t be giving them all the time.  That’s not how friendship works.

I’m glad that my curiosity has apparently gone down.  Otherwise, this thing with that diary that Jason made up would be driving me insane.  I admit, when I think about it, I do feel a twinge.  Just, “I wish I could read it.”  But nothing more than that.  Because I’m also quite confident of something else.  That one day, assuming it doesn’t disappear because he forgets to write in it, or because his browser doesn’t work, Jason will one day let me read through it.

This Yugi episode is pretty good.  They’re in a duel, obviously, and Marik has taken it to the Shadow Realm, where the magic and stuff really happens.  He and Mi are dueling, and every time a monster of hers is destroyed, she loses the memory of one person.  She’s already lost two people, Joey and Tea.  (TAY-uh.)  I can’t help thinking it’s more indicative of our lives than we think.  Most people don’t like Yugi, or don’t pay attention to it because they insist it’s a kid show.  Yet, how often do we ourselves feel like people are being takne away from us?  Or removing themselves purposely?  These “kid” shows can teach us a lot about our lives, because so many of us don’t pay attention to what happens after people are lost.  Shown enough caring, and enough support, people will return.  They won’t be forgotten.

 . . . And they will forgive.

Yeah, I still feel guilty about everything I’ve done to Jason in the past.  But, he’s determined not to let me.  He’s told me, in no uncertain terms, to stop torturing myself.  And I suppose he’s right.  I should stop doing that.  What’s past is past, and I can;t do anyting about it now, except be the best person, and best friend to him that I can be.  He does understand why I did all the things I did, and if he’s willing to forgive me for it, and bear no grudge, I should be able to as well.

–Notes–

It’s cute… you amd Jason seem like such good friends. 🙂 [*~Advice~*]