Melanie

     I’ve actually written this entry into my Microsoft Works program, and I’m transferring it in here later on.  Anyway, I named this entry "Melanie" because that’s who I’m going to talk about.
     We met today and talked at Veteran’s Park.  It was about miscellaneous stuff.  Things that are going on with us, past things we laughed about, escapades at Brookdale, things like that.  We didn’t really talk about the diary entries that I wrote.  The only thing said on them, really, was Melanie saying she couldn’t very well blame me for venting and writing what I felt when she does the exact same thing on her diary.  Perhaps about different things, but still.
     I realized as I talked to her that the answers to my questions do not lie with her.  They lie with Shannon, Jacqui, and the others who I have not really talked to with any seriousness about all this.  But you know, I don’t really feel the need to anymore.  I finally realized, my peace is made with Dan.  We talk, we’ll hang out in a group, but I don’t trust him, and never will.  But that’s okay.  We’ve made peace, and it’s holding.  Melanie and I have talked out our differences, our past problems, and we’re okay.  She’s even proven, with what she did last night, that she really does care about me.  She replied to that E-mail I sent her, and then, took her away message off, and IMed me to ask what was up about two minutes after I signed on.  And she met me earlier today.
     I say that I think I’m okay now because I’ve finally done what I hadn’t before.  I hadn’t even known I’d needed to do this.  But I did.  I needed to separate out in my head who I was angry at, and why.  Dan, yeah, sure, I’m still pissed that he put me through all that and couldn’t even come clean on his own.  I still hate that he decided to go on a self-righteous, "I’m right, and that’s all there is to it, and I don’t have to answer to anyone" deal.  But, he did finally give me answers I needed.
     Melanie.  I don’t like what happened to us in our past.  Especially considering that she thought something was up with me before our blowout, I’m surprised that she didn’t just ask me, and say something like, "Okay, what’s up with you?  And if it’s something with Dan, well, tell me without badmouthing him."  I probably wouldn’t have been able to manage the feat, but at least then I would’ve known someone cared.
     Regardless, my anger does not lie with her.
     I’m honestly not sure who it does lie with.  Because who can I lash out at?  No one, really.  Shannon or Jacqui, sure, but were we ever that close to begin with?  I never talked really serious problems over with them.  Shannon, okay, maybe I would gloss over things with, but Jacqui, I knew her more by association than anything else.  Denny, or Robbie?  How?  Denny stayed, and has stayed, neutral throughout the entire thing, and again, Robbie, I knew more by association.  Anyone else, they were people I invited to parties, they knew really nothing of what was going on, and didn’t know any of us well enough to ask, or to help, even if they could.
     Yeah, I did think that they were such a tight knit group, and maybe they all still are, in some ways.  Because they may not see each other in person, but notes are still left in their diaries, E-mails and IM’s are still shared.  But maybe that honestly doesn’t matter.
     I thought all my problems would be solved when things with Dan were finally settled.  I thought I could go back to normal, be the way I was.  Be who I was.  But I couldn’t.  I wasn’t feeling normal, I still felt odd, and there was this knot of pain in my heart, as corny as it sounds.  I just couldn’t stop being mad at . . . something.  I don’t even know what anymore.  I don’t think I did then, and that’s why I would lash out sometimes.  Just this feeling of rage and I couldn’t find a direction to aim it, so while I wheeled around, it would occasionally hit anyone who got in the way.
     Maybe I wanted to hang onto that because it was the only way I could make sure I still felt anything emotionally.
     But, I realized I don’t need to do that anymore.  Today felt good, even though I was afraid it was gonna be really uncomfortable.  It wasn’t.  And it felt good just hanging out with someone for a little while there, just talking, laughing.
     And it helped.  It really did.  It helped me even further figure out the things I‘ve written in this entry.  And I literally owe that to Melanie.  She’s the only one who’s been completely honest with me about her thoughts on these things.  And I don’t know if she has any idea how much I appreciate it.
     I can’t help wondering if she’ll continue reading mine, just to see what I write.  I wonder if she’d ever leave notes in mine or anything like that.  Maybe I’ll leave her a note.  I don’t know.
     I can’t believe that she’s lost her passion for art.  I mean, that’d be like me losing it for writing!  Or that’s what I think the equation would be anyway.  I remember her telling me she wanted to be an artist because of an uncle? or something like that.  I’m not sure.  But I remember, back my senior year, she said she didn’t know what she’d do if she ever lost that fire, or flare, for artistry.  I mean, I guess she has something now, since she wants to be a history teacher, but . . . I don’t know.  Even when I hated the idea of thinking about her, I always figured that she’d graduate, save up money from one job or another, and go to Paris, set up an easel, and paint under the Eiffel Tower.  Or maybe do the pastel chalk pictures.  Or caricatures of passerby’s.  I don’t know.  It just never would have occurred to me that she wouldn’t be an artist.
     I get what she means about the deadlines, and paying for classes that tell you how to draw this, or to do this in such a way.  Art isn’t something you can pin down and teach the methods of.  Sure, you can explain horizon lines, and perspective, and coloring techniques, but . . . art has a rhyme and reason all it’s own.  And you can’t teach that in a classroom.  It’s not something teachable.  You either have it, or you don’t.

–Notes–

I told you..I respect you too much not to be honest with you. I’ve always been honest with you. I’m proud of you for losing the bitterness about the

fights and issues with everyone. You could never truly be happy with yourself until you lose the bitterness about that. Its good you realized that the anger needed to dissolve. Of course I will continue to read what you write, it’s a good way to stay in touch with you. It’s also a good way to communicate since you and I are both good writers. I’m touched that you remembered everything I told you about my passion for art..and my dreams for painting under the eiffle tower..but im not surprised. You always were good with details. *lol* I honestly had a good time today..I too was worried about it being weird, but it wasn’t. It felt natural.