ugh.

 so yesterday, carolyn was doing a circuit workout in the living room after we’d done about 40 minutes of cardio.  in the past she’d asked me to keep an eye on her form, and let her know if it was slipping.  it was, so i told her that her butt could go way further down on that plank.  she responded "Those on the couch don’t get to make comments"

this immediately made me very angry.  i wasn’t criticizing, i was just telling her what she’d asked to hear about before.

since then, pretty much nonstop, i’ve felt gross.  like she’s this really insanely, fit, "run 3 minutes at a whim" type, and i’m, medically, obese.  i don’t feel like I can change that.  i don’t feel like I have the self-control to make the changes necessary to be a healthier person, to lose the weight that would bring me ‘on par’ with her.  

it feels like, and i’ve felt this feeling before, that she’s ‘settling’.  that there’s this really nice guy who’s great to her, but he’s ugly.  like she’ll deal with ugly for whatever other positives i bring to the situation.

this has made it pretty much impossible for me to think about anything else.  haven’t wanted to cuddle, haven’t wanted to really show much of any affection, anything like that.  it just makes me wonder if she’s only doing it out of obligation, or out of pity.  there’s a definite difference in attractiveness between the two of us, on a physical level, and it’s something i’d made peace with on my own, but to have it brought back up to the forefront with that comment has made it even more real.  

i need to find a way to get over this.