update

 i know, unoriginal title, deal with it…

i don’t remember if i wrote in here about this or not, but about a month ago, i decided to go back on celexa… i was having a really crazy few weeks, the stress of the last 6 months or so catching up to me in the way they should to a normal person, but i just couldn’t do much with it…  was on the celexa for about a week, but the stomach upset/cramps/whatever was just too much, and decided to give that up and try again naturally, with exercise, more therapist appts, etc etc…

unfortunately, with the broken rib, it meant i wouldn’t be able to work out… (just now being able to work out, after breakign the rib almost 4 weeks ago…)  the anxiety creeps back in, setting up situations and thoughts that i dont really like… i’ve scheduled myself into more appts (once every 2 or so weeks, as opposed to once every 6 weeks,give or take), and i’ve started in on a new med i’d never taken before, an expensive-as-fuck one called lexapro.  supposedly very closely related to celexa, but a little easier on your system, takes action a little faster… 

but they say the first few weeks on it (and most SSRI’s) are pretty sucky, and i’m experiencing that right now…  been kinda cranky toward most everyone, a little more blah than usual, and it’s really not helping the anxiousness (yet, it takes 1-3 weeks to build up enough to make an actual positive difference in your mood)…

i feel like i’m taking small things and turning them into bigger things, and then that makes me question what my reaction is when ‘bigger’ things do actually come along… nothing like huge, just…  things that bother me, and i don’t know to what degree it’s ‘ok’ for them to bother me?  bah, this sounds like rambling…

the other thing that’s bugged me a lot this week, is that a year ago this week is when jeannie dumped me…  and i feel EXTREMELY guilty about being blue over that a year later, when clearly i’m in a much better place, seeing the future, all that jazz…  i only remember so exactly because it was at football media day, which happened on friday…  i think about how sucky that few months of trying to get over that were, and how i never wanna do that again… like what if, for whatever reason (i can’t think of one right now, but let’s just go on this tangent) carolyn and i broke up.  holy FUCK.  i was 3 months in with jeannie, and it put me down for the count for a while… imagine how much worse this would be… is that a legit thing to worry about? do people worry about that, or am i inventing new kinds of bizzaro stress to fuck my own mind up?

i wish i knew what a ‘normal’ mind was like in certain situations, so i could either be at peace knowing ‘hey, this is normal’ or know exactly how far i’ve got to go before i get there…

also doesn’t help that the people i’d bounce this sort of stuff off of, especially for a no-nonsense, stfu and get your life moving sort of piece of advice, are MIA/currently in an awkward state… 

i’m just gonna try and trust that the lexapro is gonna kick in in a positive way here soon, and i won’t need to worry about any of it… not sure how i feel, as to whether or not that’ll ACTUALLY happen, but that’s what im trying to trust in right now…  

i also think it’ll get a bit easier once football starts, that’s always a big cathartic woosh, and i can’t seem to find that lately…

nite.