umm.

 so i’m going with headings here, so i dont forget.

aunt

so, maybe she doesn’t have cancer?  the first doc had told her that she had lymphoma that was in her lymph nodes, lungs, and spleen.  called her at work and told her this, then just said "oncology will call you for an appointment next week"

she went to onco and they were pissed at the first doctor did what he did, because (A), there’s no involvement other than the spleen, and (B) they weren’t sure it was even cancer at that point.  90% chance it was, but you don’t tell someone they have cancer until you confirm it.  the only way to confirm is a biopsy.

they did a biopsy on tuesday, and while they have to send it away for more results, the early indications are that it’s not cancerous.  w.t.f. so confused.

anxiety

big anxiety spike lately.  the stress of this stuff, along with various other things in life, it’s got my baseline waaay higher than normal, and it’s making me question everything.  i feel like i’m sliding backward into old areas, and it’s got me really, really freaked.  circular situation.  i freak out, then freak out about freaking out, etc and such as.  hoping to just ride it out and hope that things pick back up soon.  i’d really prefer not to go back on daily meds, but another week or two of this, and i’m afraid that’s where i’m headed.

relationship

the anxiety leads to some stress on the relationship.  i feel like i’m doing things that i’ve done before, things i know gum up relationships, and i’m pretty pissed at myself for doing them.  i can’t just ‘believe’ it and move on.  i know where this path leads, and i wanna find a way to NOT go down that path again.  cause this is awesome.

friends

my circle’s contracted a bit lately.  i’ve stopped fighting for friendships that aren’t there anymore.  makes me sad, but part of growing up, i think.  the ones i do have left are top-notch, so whatevs.

that’s about all i’ve got right now.  i’m not going into detail on all of it, because that’s not really the way i work anymore.  there’s plenty going on in my life, i dont need to spend my time documenting it all, i’d rather just live it.

peace

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

– William Ernest Henley