more updates

 so umm, i’m still here.

the little girl is doing a whole lot better… for a while it looked like it wasn’t going to work out in her favor, to put it midly, but she’s fighting through and looks like she’ll be coming out the other side on a good note…  scared shitless during that whole time though…  i just kept trying to be positive and strong and whatnot, when in reality i was…. freaking.

picc line came out on monday…  that’s good…

five months coming up next tuesday….

still having some anxiousness pretty regularly…  lately it seems to sorta center around the "why me?" question…  like… why did she pick *me*?, why’s it different from past experiences, blah blah blah.  

i try to just distract myself from these questions when they come up.  sometimes i’m around her and she can totally tell something’s up and i gotta cop to it.  this week’s going to be rough for that sorta thing though, she’s got several overnight shifts…  it’ll be pretty much the most we’ve been apart over the course of a week since we started dating…  i mean, like literally, i’ve spent maybe 4 nights in the past two months at my place.  almost more anticipating the down-ness than actually experiencing any of it so far?  

i dont really know what i’m getting at here… seems clearer in my head.  i just want things to continue well, and this is "different", and in the past, for me at least, different=bad.

one thing that really made me happy though, was that tonight i was talking with a friend of mine who’d met those i’d dated in the past, and said he couldn’t really explain it, but that in the past i’d dated ‘girls’, versus now i’m dating a ‘woman’.  i’m glad other people can see the difference in this relationship.  

i need to go take an ambien, otherwise i’m just gonna keep circling the drain.

‘nite kiddos.

(note: despite the general malaise of this entry, i’m probably as happy as i’ve been in a very long time…  with the picc out, my days are my own, the weather’s getting nice, i’m able to get back to the gym, i’m able to get some vitamin d from the sun, etc etc, so this is just me rambling at 11:00 at night)