i’d been doing so well…

i’ve got one friend, who whenever i start a relationship, gives me the same advice.  i think she thinks it’s funny and joking, but it eats at me a little bit. her advice?  "dont fuck this up"
 
i’d been able to keep this thought out of my head for quite a while, at least by my scale.  but the "i’m probably gonna fuck this up" mindset came roaring back today…  it’s just too good to be true at this point.  there’s no possible way this is ‘supposed’ to happen for me.  there’s gotta be something i’m about to do, right around the corner, that’s just gonna take a big fat dump on it.
 
i know this is destructive thinking, and i’ve been ignoring it all day, but it’s still there.  
 
doesn’t help that in the upcoming week or so, i’ll see her once.  if i’m out of sight, then i’m out of mind, right?
 
i haven’t the fucking foggiest clue what i’m doing, and up until about 2:00 this afternoon, i’ve been just fine with that, but i started worrying this afternoon and blah since then.  this is what i do, and i’m trying really hard to break the pattern.  how can one person become this inept at interpersonal relationships?  it takes EFFORT to be as two-left-footed as i am, no?
 
anyway, in other news: eating (some) solid foods, very slowly.  still freaked out by the syringe rinse thing, so i just brush gently and then rinse with the mouthwash very thoroughly, but not so thoroughly as to dislodge any of the 3 clots or any of my stitches.  still chuggin ibuprofen like it’s my job, but i’m (pretty much) off the codeine.  just in time to go back to WORK for tomorrow.
 
tomorrow night iowa plays missouri in the insight bowl, and we’re likely to get our asses kicked.  meh.  
 
wednesday and thursday i’m in evanston, illinois at a wrestling tournament.  come back on th 31st, come home, rest up, then there’s a big new years even party (that i’ll be attending alone, as the girl’s out of town) that night.  pondering how i’m going to approach that, either with a constant buzz through the whole night or go balls-to-the-wall and regret it the next day…  hmm.
 
time for more ibuprofen.  pondering an ambien for sleeping tonight, brain may not be in the mood to turn off.  peace.