one of thirty

So i posted this in my other blog during my hiatus, but i’m going to start over, and hopefully actually do it, so here’s day 1 of 30….

Day 1: Introduce yourself, in great detail.

Hi.  I’m Brian.  I’m the guy next door.  Not literally next door, because I rarely, if ever, talk to any of my neighbors ever (because many of them rarely, if ever, speak english…), but in the social stereotype sense.  

I was born in Texas, and since then have lived in Iowa, California, and New York.  I’ve lived in Iowa since I was about 7 or 8 years old.  That’s where most of my mom’s family is.  

I started college when I was 11, got a shitton of degrees and a shitton of debt that I don’t use in my current 9-5.  I don’t really like my job all that much, but would feel guilty for looking around for another when there are people out there who are getting shat upon by the current economic landscape.  Probably also because I’m afraid of change.

I have a very small group of close friends.  I can count them on one hand.  I look around at other people, and it seems like they all have more.  I used to feel like this had more to do with the fact that I didn’t go to high school, but as I (and my social circle) gets older, that’s less and less of a valid excuse.  Sometimes I sit around and wonder if I’ve got some weird mild form of autism or aspergers or something.  Hypochondriac much?

I guess I should mention my anxiety.  After not having to deal with it for about 10 years, I started having anxiety attacks again last year, in September.  September 12th, to be exact.  Well, at least the attack began on the 12th, it was late at night, and lasted into the next day, but September 12th seems nicer than September 13th.  I’ve spent the last year talking with a therapist anywhere from twice a week to once a month, depending on how life’s breaking down at any given point.

I’ve read books, I’ve tried medications, I’ve lost relationships, I’ve lost friends, I’ve nearly lost my job over it.  When I look at the big picture, I can see that I’ve come far.  But day-to-day, it still feels like I’m treading water, without a real island in sight.  I haven’t been able to find anyone who understands completely what it feels like, that feeling of being completely trapped by something you can’t rationalize.  I have yet to meet someone who gets it, who gets me.  I find people who understand parts, who see past the curtain and see slivers of me, but nobody who gets it completely.  Sometimes I wonder if that’s even possible.

As of lately, the anxiety manifests more as a daily undercurrent rather than specific high-intensity ‘attacks’…  Not to say I don’t have spikes, but generally, it’s not just a higher baseline than average.

At my worst, I was taking 11-12 pills a night.  2 celexa (20mg each), 4 ibuprofen (to deal with the jaw pain as a side effect of celexa), 2 .5mg Ativan, 2 simply sleep, 1 multivitamin, and sometimes ambien.  Right now, I take 1 celexa, and sometimes a few ibuprofen.  I’m hoping to get further off the ambien by the end of the year.  I’ve quit drinking caffeine, which has caused the anxiety to go down, and thus the need for the meds to decrease.  Also has caused some weight gain, but that i can deal with.

Once my (particularly my mom’s) money situation is a bit more settled, i’m going to join a gym downtown that has a membership for $20 a month.  I would join the university gym, but i can’t because of a past-due bill from when i was a student.

Anyway.  I think that’s about it.  I’m a nice guy just trying to find his way, and still looking for someone who gets him.  Or people that he gets.  

More tomorrow, as I write about my first love.  Or what I thought was love.  Who the fuck knows anymore.

Day 01 – Introduce yourself, in great detail
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in g

reat detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail