09/15/2010

been staring at the empty box for a while.

had an appt with my therapist today.  came out feeling worse about myself than when i went in. basically realized that everyone else knows me better than i know me. 

everything else in life, everything, i treat thee same way…  when something affects my day-to-day life in a negative way, then i change it.  if i run out of socks or underwear, i do laundry.  if i trip over something trying to get to my closet, i clean my room.  that’s how it is, and that’s generally how i appear so laid back on the majority of things, and why i was such a good slacker all throughout college..  not slacker, procrastinator. 

i can’t do this.  there is no ‘way’ to get better.  there is no ‘x.y.z this is how you go forward’.  it just, is.  that’s where my self-bashing is coming from lately.  i can’t do anything, i have no say, i have no tangible "plan".

i realized the other day that i’ve forgotten what it’s like to not deal with mental fuckupedness on a daily basis.  i don’t remember what it was like to be ‘carefree’ and shit.  that made me really, really sad.  does this last forever? 

my birthday’s in two weeks.  i dont wanna turn 25.  i’m having a quarter (well, third-life, more likely) crisis.  not a good time to coincide.

my trip to arizona got cancelled cause the airline was a cuntface.

i just wish i could do something.  something to either convince her to reconsider, convince my mind to move on, convince someone else to take her place in my heart, whatever.  just anything but what i’m feeling right now.  unloved and powerless to change it.  deadly combination.  like peas and carrots, but the opposite.

i’m beginning to lose faith that love is worth it.  maybe some people just don’t get that for themselves.  maybe i just need to accept that and quit trying, find other ways to make my life worthwhile.

i just want that feeling of laying next to someone, being held  in that way that only that special person understands.  fucking frustrating wondering if i’ll ever have that again.

i’m going to bed now, it’s been a pretty terrible day.