some kind of light… (edited with survey thing)

i don’t know why, whether it was the extra amount of good sleep i got last night, or that i was able to find some stuff to do at work, or that it’s almost the weekend or what, but today was a bit brighter.

had a really great talk with kel, really honest, really straightforward, and really uplifting, in a strange way.  i need to try and remember that no matter my opinion, no matter my viewpoint, it’s worth stating and worth getting out there.

i’ve had several people who when i’ve brought up a grievance or something i was uncomfortable with, they bolted or lashed out or whatever.  that’s led to this sort of gunshy, "my opinion isn’t worth causing a fuss over" attitude.  it comes across outwardly as easygoing, so i like to pretend it’s a good thing, but the more and more i think about it, the more it’s sort of selling myself short, assuming my opinion isn’t as valid, my needs or worries aren’t as valid.  i’m so afraid of losing people that i’ll let things go that i shouldn’t.  i’m not used to people that’ll be there to work through it.

people have said they’ll be there, people have said they’re in it for the long haul, and it’s turned out to be not true.  i’m not sure how many times she’s going to have to tell me she’s there for real before i believe it or before i quit lumping her in with the people who have bolted, but it’s nice to hear it, and she seems ok repeating it. 

i think a lot of my huge anxiety problems yesterday (had about a 2 hour anxiety attack after work yesterday, heart was pumping and wouldn’t slow down.  almost went to the ER i was so freaked out) had to do with the fact that i’d had too much sugar while at work, and my body was coming down and freaking out.  with the lack of caffeine, my body’s still not used to that part, so it’s pretty sensitive to a bunch of stuff.

still not entirely "OK", but better than i was, a pile of mush, yesterday.  thanks to those who had a part in building me back up today.

nervous about lunch tomorrow, ready for the weekend.  ready to see the hawks fuck the cyclones in the ass.

m/

edit: saw this on a new fav’s od and decided to do it.  cause i like contemplativity (oh yeah, just made that up)

2. I’ve come to realize that, I talk:
to try and make things better.

3. I’ve come to realize that, I love:
those who love me back

4. I’ve come to realize that, I have:
made mistakes, made poor choices, and am OK admitting that.

5. I’ve come to realize that, I’ve lost:
my optimism toward a lot of things

6. I’ve come to realize that, I hate how:
i can’t stand up for myself when it matters

7. I’ve come to realize that, marriage is:
work, but worth it.

8. I’ve come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking:
"i hope he’s OK"

9. I’ve come to realize that, I’ll always have:
a fairly hairy chest.

10. I’ve come to realize that, I have a crush on:
anyone with a personality, really.  i get infatuated easily.

11. I’ve come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
last night, as i tried to get my mind and body to cooperate with my soul.

12. I’ve come to realize that, my cell phone is:
grafted to my hand.

13. I’ve come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I have to consciously make the choice to fight the fight every day.

14. I’ve come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
i need to not think about going to sleep alone.

15. I’ve come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
the people and the things i want in my life, and wondering which of them will actually appear.

16. I’ve come to realize that, babies:
aren’t as scary as I thought.

17. I’ve come to realize that, I go on myspace:
never

18. I’ve come to realize that, today:
was better than yesterday, and if I can get a streak of those sorts of days going, i’m on the right track.

19. I’ve come to realize that, tonight I will:
need to watch an episode of "Friends’" before i can sleep.

20. I’ve come to realize that, school is:
(was) the golden years.  I miss it terribly.

21. I’ve come to realize that, tomorrow I will:
attempt to do something i’ve never done before.

22. I’ve come to realize that, I really want:
someone to love me.  In the way they read about at Jo’s wedding.

23. I’ve come to realize that, my last kiss: