sick of it

i’m sick of being a friend.  there are certain times where it’s nice, where it pays, where i get that warm and fuzzy feeling, but lately, they’re getting outweighed by the realization that i’m destined to be ‘just the friend’ till the end of days.  it’s frustrating because i guess i’d sort of convinced myself i was ok with that, but lately it seems like that was more of a copout as a way of making myself feel better or avoiding that realization.

thats where it always ends up "no, i’d rather have you as a friend."  maybe it’s time for a change. i hate thinking i’ve been living wrong all these times, taking people at their word, trying to be ‘the good guy’ and thinking it’d pay off some day.  pretty sure i’ve discovered that’s bullshit.  i’m 3 weeks from turning twenty fucking five years old.  quarter of a century, and i’m still dealing with the same response, the same storyline, the same retelling of the same shitty fable that i was dealing with a decade ago.  at what point do you quit banging your head against a brick wall and realize you’ve gotta become someone different if you want to get anywhere in relationships?  ok world, you win.  i get it, i’ve been beaten down enough.  the person i’ve made myself into has gone as far as he can go.

now i just gotta figure out who i wanna become.