frustrated

just got back from my best friend’s rehearsal dinner for her wedding, and i’m really sad/frustrated.  i can’t even express why the sadness.  other than to say that i’m sad to be alone right now.  i want what they have.  not marriage, but acceptance, mutual acceptance.  i read a quote in a friend’s blog, that people aren’t really afraid of commitment.  they’re afraid that there isn’t someone out there who wants to be committed to them.  that’s how i feel right now.  i’ve got two friends who are younger than me getting married, having already found that person that compliments them, who’s there in the good, there in the bad, who accepts the flaws, who accepts the quirks, and wants to spend the rest of their life trying to make that connection stronger.  i’m having a rough time imagining myself finding that right now.

fuck, i can’t even apparently hold a conversation with the last person i was in a relationship with.  i spent the better part of two weeks working to get myself better, working through issues in my head, working through stuff with my therapist, reading a bunch of books, getting my meds straight, cleaning out my body, and i finally get my shit straight and come back.  she tells me how much it hurt to know that i was avoiding her on fb and gchat and such during that time, so i set aside the apprehension and try and dive back into a conversation.  partway through, she cuts the convo off and leaves, says she’ll get in touch when she can talk.  so now i’m in the exact same place, knowing SHE’S avoiding me on AIM, gchat, and particularly facebook.  i get a txt tonight, and i just have no fucking clue what to do with it. 

my heart’s beating really hard right now.  confusion, yearning, self-pity, frustration, loneliness, etc.  i just don’t know how i’m supposed to act.  it seems whatever i try isn’t right lately.  i can’t try and leave her alone, i can’t try and talk to her, i can’t offer help, i can’t try and get her back, it all ends with me hurting her, somehow.  i’m completely lost as to how to be.  i went from being something that could cheer her up or bring her out of a funk moment, to being something that no matter what, brings her sadness.  that’s a boost to the ole ego, yes?

bah, ambien time.  good fucking night.