10/19/2011

In the last 6-9 months or so, I’ve been led to a great many things, and have been making numerous changes.  I’ve changed my hair to short purple, changed what I do, started a few businesses, plus started writing.  People have been put in my pathway to make things happen, and really, my relationship with God has been renewed.  I don’t talk about my relationship with God much, because it does tend to offend some people who are not "believers" per se. Perhaps if I renamed it to a "higher power" it would be easier, but I grew up with God, not a generic higher power, so that’s what I am comfortable with.  I’m not even particularly comfortable with thinking of God as a feminine being, because the God I grew up of course, is male.  All the same, I am a very spiritual person,  I do consider myself psychic.  I’m rambling here, trying to figure out what my point is for myself actually.  I was led, and I do mean LED to a church last spring, and it is a rather fundamentalist church, which is almost a complete polar opposite to what I was raised with, having been raised Catholic.  So I am here, questioning WHY was I LED to this church?  I love the pastor, and I especially love his wife, they are neighbors of ours, just a few blocks down from where we live.  Perhaps it’s that sense of community I have always craved which keeps me from leaving.  I want to leave, but I stay because it’s the first church Jerry felt comfortable going to (because of the pastor, but he’s been changing his tune lately, and I don’t like it!)  and my kids love going.  It’s now at night, 6 p.m. on Sunday, which I like because I don’t have to get up early to go to, and I always learn something from it, even if I don’t agree with it all.  Still, I would like to see what going to Mass feels like now that I’m older and wiser and have been away from it for so long.  I miss the connection to God I had when I went to Mass, I miss the feeling of "God dwells here" that always seem to permeate a Catholic church, ANY Catholic church that I set foot into.  I feel like my heart is being tugged in that direction, though not so hard that it’s like I can’t ignore it, lol.  I left organized religion because I believed God wanted me to, wanted to teach me Himself (if you will…) but the past few years have left me separated from God and feeling adrift and at times I have even wondered if God existed.  Though I can’t really deny that God DOES exist, I have had far too many experiences… coincidences, lol that were NOT coincidences, and even a miracle, to be convinced that God does not exist.  But I really don’t understand why I was led to this church which is so out of my experience… I mean, I don’t really believe some of what the pastor says is true, and I do believe in things he says aren’t true, don’t exist.  But he comes from a POV that says if it’s not in the Bible, it’s not real, and I come from a POV that says it FEELS right to me, and whether I’m right or wrong, I suppose I’ll find out when I die and get to either talk to God about it without my little human brain interfering, or I’ll experience it for myself (LOL, I mean seriously, who do I think I am?)  

Oddly enough, if I AM pregnant, I’ll enjoy being right about KNOWING in advance without proof. 

Was it coincidence that brought Tienne into my life?  No, it was just good timing.  Would I have met Tienne without having gotten into Partylite?  No, I wouldn’t have.  Is Tienne making sure I’m accountable for doing my writing?  Yes, she is…she is the main reason I am getting anything done, because she calls me and says, on a regular basis "Where are my pages woman?"  If she wasn’t doing that, I wouldn’t write.  I MIGHT write, but I do it more often because she DEMANDS it of me.  She keeps me accountable.  This is a good thing… a GOOD THING, ok.  And she was led right into my path, and a side benefit that I have received is a really great friend whom I love and can see on at least a semi-regular basis.  Linda is gone, but I feel she may have been led out of my life, and it hurt, yes it did, but I feel slightly better off.  Perhaps a lot better off, which I don’t want to admit.  Linda, bless her, was a fairly large drain on me, I was constantly worried about her, worried she would die…it was one of the reasons I was so desperate when she quit answering my calls, I didn’t know if she was alive or dead.  I would have SO much appreciated her taking a minute to pick up the phone, tell me she didn’t want to be friends any more, instead of dragging it for months on end… at least with Tienne, I know she’s going to be straight and honest with me if things should ever change, though I suspect with her it would end more "naturally" or die a slower more natural death where there wouldn’t be an ending so much as a fade.  I don’t know really.  The thing with Linda was that she awoke in me a torrent of connection with the spiritual, and I kind of craved that…but we could NEVER get together, and it generally only happened in her presence.  If we tried to get together, horrible things would happen, to an extent that I kind of gave up on trying to be in the same place with her at the same time, and just settled for a phone friendship.  I wonder if she even misses me.  It hurt, yes, but I don’t know, I just feel better off without her in my life, and I can’t quite say why, but I do.  I know the reasons she gave me were hurtful, and kind of lame, she said we were drifting apart, and I was talking about my businesses too much… stupidly, if she’d given me like a month, I quit talking about it and moved on, but it was too late… oh well, I guess.  It’s just not a relationship I WANT to repair, I find.  I guess I too, have moved on.  There were things about Linda that I had suspicions about, character wise, but could never prove, and the way she ended the friendship made me realize that she was NOT a forthright person in any case, no matter what her other character flaws may or may not have been… in any case, SHE ended the friendship, not I.  I was willing to overlook her character flaws for the sake of the friendship, and it seems mine were not so easily overlooked :).  Well, whatever…   I am rambling, as usual.  I’d also been on a kick where I wasn’t so God-centered, so that may have put her off as well, and probably seemed like a character flaw to her, as a Jehovah’s Witness.  Who really knows?  I can’t even go back and talk to her about it, so it’s best left in the past, where it belongs…and as to my "character flaws" I’m not a bad person, I have issues with religion, and I get what may be the nuttiest ideas sometimes, flights of fancy so to speak, but I am a pretty good person, loyal as they come.  

At this point, I’ve nearly written a novel, lol… well, perhaps not, but I have written a great deal.  I came back from a meeting, and they’re all "Christians" at t

he meeting, and I just wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself.  I have such deep questions and concerns where it comes to Christianity.  Don’t get me wrong, because again, I was raised a Catholic Christian, but for me, except for the being of God, to whom I have had a deep abiding relationship with ever since I was young, I have questioned many aspects of Christianity and the nature thereof.  I find myself to identify better with nature religions than man-made (literally!) religions.  Or Eastern religions, but I don’t believe I understand Eastern religion enough to really speak on it, I just know concepts like reincarnation resonate with me.  So much so, I feel almost called to write a book on the subject, though I believe it should be a work of fiction to sort of disguise that I find the concept to be real…but so far, I can’t even begin to write the book, because it’s such a huge broad subject that I don’t have a really good idea where to begin, but I am sure that if God really wants me to write it, he’ll lead me to what I need to have in order to write it.  In the meantime, I have two story ideas, and other things I can draw from for my book, including this diary.  Heck, I could probably have a published book within 3 months just with fodder from this diary.  I’ve thought about it, too.  I’m just not sure if I should go ahead or not. 

I have not so much run out of things to say as I have the energy to say them…my brain wanders, and when that happens, it’s not a good chance that I’ll come back to my thoughts, and besides, I can always come back with an edit if it’s that important.  So I’ll sign off for now.