I wouldn’t say I’m doing well….

I’ve been very unhappy as of late.  Not… NOT that it matters.  LOL, check out that double negative.  Did that unconsciously, and then caught it as soon as I wrote it.  Not that it matters.  Let me just illustrate.  I’ve been wanting an iPod touch quite a lot.  I want it for storing and reading books…it’s a much cheaper alternative to an iPad, games, esp Farmville (not that I say this much, it does not make Jerry happy at ALL…but then, these days, he hasn’t been happy with me over anything, so it’s not much of a change), and just whatever I might find useful.  There ARE a lot of apps for them.  So I have mentioned it occassionally, not a whole lot, really trying not to be annoying about how BADLY I want one.  So today, we were at Hometown and there was a bit of downtime, and I wished I had an iPod I could take out of my purse and do something with… I have those moments a lot in my life… I’m bored, wish I had an iPod to reduce my boredom.  So later I mentioned this thought I had to Jerry, and he tells me "You better stop having downtime."  

Oh.

I’m NOT getting an iPod touch.  No matter how badly I want one, I’m not getting one.  I cried.  I was just SO sad over this thought.  I am NOT getting an iPod.  It does not matter that I am completely hung up on getting one, that I have said for Christmas, but I REALLY WANT it YESTERDAY, and I want the latest one with the camera!  Damn me anyway.  So I cried.  I couldn’t even help myself.  I couldn’t stop myself, though I didn’t cry too long.  Thing is, I’ve been crying a LOT lately.  Yesterday Jerry said I should just finish something, and I couldn’t help but cry.  I feel so DEFECTIVE.  I have had a lot of moments of just wanting to run away, and I’ve had a few moments of realizing that I can’t do that…then I just wish I were dead.  Not in a suicide kind of way, just a "I wish God would just kill me" kind of way.  I just can’t do that (leave) to the kids, not mine (ours) or his.  I can’t ruin their lives, I just can’t be QUITE that selfish.  Besides, where would I go, and what would I do?  He mentioned yesterday going to Disneyland for Christmas, and I got quite excited, but today I realized that’s not going to happen either.  It just won’t.  Our income is up..some, but every time he gets a hundred dollars, he puts it away, and he wants me to quit spending money, though all I bought this month was clothes for the kids and some craft materials.  Oh, wait, I bought underwear for myself.  Shouldn’t have done that.  I was thinking I would LOVE to have a new wardrobe while the fashions seem to be doing my favorite colors, mostly purple (can you tell?  I’ve had this same layout for years, haven’t changed it, and probably won’t ever) and I also thought to myself  today I’d just better forget that thought too.  Jerry supports me getting new clothes (though personally I think he wants me to buy slutty clothes, and I just HATE them…) but of course if it involves money…   I should NOT complain.  I got new clothes at Goodwill earlier this year, and some of them are REALLY cute, I need to lose some weight to get into one pair of jeans… which I decided to do, and he asked me if I was doing this so I could leave him!  That man is really at the root of my misery though.  I hate to say it, but it’s true in a lot of ways.  He’s just been SO unhappy with me, and even when he doesn’t SAY it, I feel it, and I can see if in his eyes.  A week or so ago, I just started crying, couldn’t stop, and the "conversation" as it was, turned to cleaning, and he said "If you all weren’t so lazy…" really ANGRY, you know?  (Maybe just frustrated…)  And I just started sobbing and heaving, and screaming, and I deliberately hit my head on the bed post, twice.  He ran to me and asked if he could hug me, I just nodded, and he did.  It didn’t really make me feel any better though.  It took a bit to compose myself and quit crying.   I was already feeling awful about myself, and he just really poured salt on an open wound.  He’s been ok ever since, but I have had my good days, and my bad days.  I’ve been trying to get the laundry under control, and been trying to come to some understanding of what’s WRONG with me.  Because there is something wrong.  I don’t know if it’s ADD…maybe it’s just the same old depression.  Part of it is an inability to organize, part of it is an inability to see a mess where one exists, though that’s diminished.  I don’t know.  I hate who I am, and that’s part of why I just want to leave… because HE reminds me why I hate myself, and if he wasn’t in my life, then I could just accept myself as I am.  He doesn’t like that part of me, so I don’t like that part of me.  It’s not like I can’t keep house, my old apartment was clean, I did the dishes, cooked for myself, did my laundry, etc.  But I always had piles of stuff, that’s always been me, will probably always be me.  I think I have been suffering from SOME depression, but I am so USED to suffering from depression that I am actually rather high functioning, and it can be hard to tell…and I stuff my feelings down so well that the only way I can tell is that I erupt in anger.  Not the best way to deal with things… I know.  And…it’s not like I haven’t had the training to know how to deal with these things better… I just don’t know.  Am I really just THAT screwed up?  

I sent Sydni back to school.  I had to.  I was literally going to kill something or someone if I had to put up with her attitude and anger, and…well, HER… any longer.  Even if that someone had to be me.  I wanted to tear my hair out any time I had to deal with her, and I was just coming to hate her.  So I told her she was going back to school, and 20 minutes later, she had all her stuff ready to go.  OKAY.  Shabree did too.  A week before, they’d protested heavily when I told them Margaret (the psychologist) told me I should send them back to school.  So I put Syd in school, and then a week later, she went off track (UGH!!)  I was still homeschooling Shabree, because they were going to overload her until an opening at another school came up, then off-load her there, then when an ACTUAL opening came up at her school, they’d put her in… again, UGH.  So I was homeschooling her, and it was going fine…until Syd went off track.  Then it became this huge nightmare of her not wanting to do it.  So, I just decided this was NOT something I wanted to do anymore, and I put her back in school too, and she should be going Oct 1st or something around that, I’m not completely sure what the date will be, but around there somewhere.  Anyway, it’s a huge relief not to be homeschooling them.  A HUGE relief.  Let someone else deal with them, and if they give that someone the same attitude they gave me, let them send those girls to the principal.  Th

ey’ll completely deserve it.  WHY they think they can treat ME so disrespectuflly…. well, again, Jerry’s fault.  He treats me just like he treats them, and so they know I’m just one of the kids, not a parent they have to act a certain way towards.  That right there had to be the biggest reason I wanted to leave.  It’s a LITTLE better at this point, but it’s… precarious.  My authority, especially with Becca, is questionable.  With Syd, it’s… well, she’s just at THAT age, where she’s just a brat, and sometimes more of a bitch, she back talks and won’t do what you say no matter what… though I just quit letting her get away with it, and if she’s not immediately obedient, I put her in the corner.  In fact, I am taking that tack with Shabree too.  I am just SO tired of having no authority though, of having had it taken away by Jerry.  It is one of those things where it WILL cause me to leave if he does it again.  It is better.  But it does come and go.  In fact, I just right now asked (told) Shabree to go clean the "band" room, which we are going to convert to Jerry’s office.  Sydni was using it as a bedroom, but isn’t anymore, and needs a bedroom, so Jerry’s moving out of Shabree’s old bedroom so Syd or Sammi can have it, but they made it into a huge mess.  Well…Shabree says to me "Daddy didn’t say to."  I told her "Yes he did" then realized…wait, *I* said to clean it.  So I asked her "Do I not have any authority?"  She said "Yes, you do.  Never mind!"  That’s been her big thing lately…never mind.  But my authority with Shabree isn’t completely gone.   But then, she’s not my step daughter, either…. seems like it makes a difference, though Syd seems to still recognize that I have SOME authority…. at 11, she may just not want to give it to me… which sort of makes me laugh.  I am hating this whole pre-teen/teen thing, but it IS just a stage…. JUST a stage.  I find I do have to stand my ground with her, but with Syd, you can still hug her to make her feel better.  Becca doesn’t like to be touched.  I am so confused by my relationship with Becca… I’m just trying to hang in there with her.  I have definitely had my days where I’ve just cried and screamed at myself how much I hate that kid, and promised myself NEVER to say that to her… and then there have been days that were ok.  Mostly…. I just try to steer clear of her.  If there are issues, I tell Jerry and let him deal with her.  She is definitely another major cause of me wanting to leave though.  A few weeks ago, I told her to get away from me, because I’d just as soon hit her as look at her, and she hit ME, HARD.  Well, she shoved me, and left me black and blue on my breast.  It took a day or two to tell Jerry, and I think only because I was complaining how badly my breast hurt.  He was mad about that.  I was embarrassed, hurt, angry, and I didn’t want to deal with Jerry… as I knew I’d been in the wrong too, but he never missed an opportunity to tell me when I’d done wrong.  It is just easier to avoid Becca.  I know she felt bad too though.  It wasn’t like she was happy she’d hurt me.  And she finally saw how MUCH she could hurt a person, which I don’t believe she’d seen before.  I’ve told her in the past to be careful, because she could really hurt someone with her training, and any judge would look at her training and probably send her to jail, and she just acted like what I was saying would not or could not happen…and my bruises madeit more real that she COULD and did actually hurt someone.  Anyway, she was embarrassed too, because neither one of us wanted to tell Jerry.  He just told me I shouldn’t have said what I did, to which I said I know, and he told Bec that her actions weren’t going to be tolerated, and she basically said Yes sir.  He brought it up again later though, but I don’t really remember what was said.  I just remember thinking of COURSE he brought it up.  
 

I don’t know.  I can’t leave.  I can’t do that to the kids.  Things are MOSTLY ok now anyway.  I’ve been doing more cleaning, and Jerry’s mood has improved.  But I just can’t claim happiness.  I think about the person I used to be, and I have been missing her.  I am, or have become, this unhappy, negative, perhaps selfish…I’m not sure if that’s a change or not…. unable to joke or take a joke, person.  I have LOST my sense of humor!   I do NOT like myself.  And I swear it’s partially Jerry’s fault.  

I can be okay with not getting an iPod.  I have resigned myself to it… keep asking myself why I need so much STUFF anyway.  I can really just take a nice zen approach to that one.  Less stuff is good.  My kids should come first anyway, and I can read real books.  If I plan, I can have a book with me at all times.  Downtime no problem.  And I should really just give up Farmville anyway.  There have been few gifts that I have loved lately anyway.  At this point, an iPod would just remind me how freaking miserable I am.  So that’s ok.  I have been trying lately to want need less stuff, it’s just hard when all your stuff you already have is getting old and worn out.  The last time I wanted an iPod, it took a year and a half to get one.  And I rarely use it.  So I will quit talking about the iPod, and when asked what I want for Christmas, I will TRUTHFULLY reply I want nothing.  Which is true.  The iPod is all I wanted…well, ok, I want a computer too, but that’s just asking for too much, and I know it.  Besides, I really want to stop being on the computer so much, the kids too.  These computers are just getting so OLD (and slow), and this one, the video card’s starting to bite the dust.  Damn.  Not a good time for it to do that.  Damn PC.  WIsh I could afford a new mac.

It is interesting to me that I sit here, and I am crying just a little, tears that I can’t really help falling, and Syd is sitting right next to me on the other computer, completely oblivious.  Wow.

I am just wishing I could have the old me back.  That’s all I really want.  The one who stood her ground, the one who was positive and upbeat no matter what, the one who smiled and laughed and enjoyed life.  Maybe she was immature, maybe she got too excited when good stuff happened, but I really do miss her.  I’m not even sure the word mature belongs to me.

I am going to wrap up.  I am tired.  I don’t know if you could call this a rant, or what.  I needed to get it out.  I don’t have ANY answers though.  I will say that sending the kids back to school lifted this huge load off my shoulders.  I had a real love/hate thing going with homeschool, but it has just been a HUGE relief not to have to deal with it anymore, and not to have to deal with kids who don’t REALLY want to homeschool in the first place, miss their friends, etc.  And I can focus on Sammi and Alex, and YAY for th

at…. YAY for that.  I felt so bad for them, and Sammi really needs attention, she’s SO easy going, she’s too easy to overlook, especially when Alex is such an attention hound, bless her little self.  Those kids keep me going, they’re all that does, sometimes.  I just can’t leave them mother or fatherless.  They need us both.  And it’s not like I can’t live with Jerry… I still enjoy his company, I really do need him.  Some days I wonder if I do love him, but that’s ok… I think every relationship has its ups and downs, I can get through this….I equate it to hanging on through my depressions/suicidal feelings, eventually things get better.  We don’t have an abusive relationship. 

I’ve got to wrap up.  People keep coming in here, it’s not very private.