12/06/2009

I am not really knowing what to title this at the moment, so it’ll probably just be today’s date, but then, who knows?  SO many thoughts are running through my head, hopefully I can organize it all.  Ha… well, hopefully you can follow along, lol.

Ovulated today.  I know, I know, TMI.  Normally I wouldn’t bother sharing.  But the "voice" came this morning, at 5 a.m. as I’m laying there, in pain from said ovulation, telling me I must fulfill the prophecy.  Yes, dammit, seriously.  5 girls, and one tow headed boy.  Ah hell… no.  Do I REALLY want to be pregnant again?  No.  Not at 39/40, not a fourth, probably hellish pregnancy.  Voice… I don’t know if I can do this.  For the record, I love Voice.  Voice has kept me going many times with words of encouragement and love, answers to questions that tortured me for months (well, I have to shut up and listen, and I don’t often do that, so Voice… aka Tiator most likley… well, it SOUNDS like MY voice, so how do I know for sure who it is… Voice doesn’t get a word in edgewise.  I just happened to be laying there this morning not thinking about much.  I do not think this voice was Tiator… different feel.)  Anyway, the voice, which has truthfully been with me since kid-hood… I remember it telling me to just hold on when I wanted to kill myself as a teenager, has been a good thing for me.  So back to this whole thing of having another baby, a boy?  What ARE the odds?  I feel compelled, but I damn sure don’t feel like going through another pregnancy, but I have serious doubts that I’m going to adopt.  I’d like to foster, but to get Jerry to a point where he’d WANT to do that would be tough.  The man is a marshmallow when it comes to human relationships.  He can’t stand the thought of having to give a child back.  So.  Plus, I’m just… lazy, I suppose.  I don’t really want to face having to go through getting certified.  So.  And, having the money to pull it off is not guaranteed, though I have high hopes.  I am always more hopeful this time of year though, so really, I’d love to see my hopes see fruition this year.  That would be awesome.  I really want to see a return of no money worries.  I WILL make sure we never come back to this "place" of poverty, or near poverty.  I hate to put it like that.  I do NOT feel "poor."  I have a nice house… it isn’t getting paid for, but I still live in it.  I have well fed, clothed kids who are home schooled.  We buy a few things each month… nothing much, but still.  Though I am getting mighty tired of having to always limit myself.  I have to admit, I have my eye on a 12,000 dollar computer setup.  I AM wondering if I REALLY need that 30 inch monitor though.  You know what?  It doesn’t matter.  I’ve got to stop having "limiting" thoughts about things.  I do have simple tastes, and I do not mind living a simple life.  However, I want more, and I want better, at the very LEAST, I want the POWER to have more, and to have better.  Even if I don’t exercise that power.  I mean, we could have unlimited amounts of money, and I would be content to stay in t his house, or one like it.  I DO have a "dream" house, it’s a JTS house with dual staircases, they look really grand, are probably a mini McMansion because they’re about 3500-4000 square feet, and they don’t even make the model any more…but they HAVE that model in a neighborhood close to ours, and Sammi’s old speech teacher works at the school there, so I’d have no qualms about owning a house there, in fact, I’d love it.  Really, since we’re now homeschooling, we are not bound to anything.  We could live anywhere, in any house.  But that remains my dream house, and it would be perfect for a large family like ours.

Anyway, back to having another baby.  It’s an insane thought.  We do have insurance, so that piece would be okay.  But we’d have so many people judging us for having another one.  Not that it matters, but I don’t want to be in that position.  It is difficult enough with all these agencies examining every move we make… if I had money, I’d just go BUY pediasure for Alex, instead of having to see a nutritionist at WIC about putting her on it.  But then… I wouldn’t.  I’d buy toddler formula, no problem, and call it done.  That’s what I did for Sammi.  I just get the Pediasure because I can.  So I’d like to see us financially "on our own" if you will.  I wouldn’t mind seeing myself a few pounds lighter, carrying my weight plus pregnancy weight on a 4th pregnancy near 40 and already having sugar issues… UGH.  

Tell me again WHY I am even considering this?  Why am I feeling near obligated to have another baby?  Why do I want to put myself through a pregnancy now?  The last one was pretty near miserable, though Alex is totally worth it.  I know I’m going to go through breast feeding agony, guilt whether I do or don’t breastfeed… unless it all just goes SOOOO smoothly (can we say, Yea right…  well, I sure do KNOW a lot more than I did… I am damn near an expert on breastfeeding now.  Dude, if I’d put this much thought into Alex’s conception, she wouldn’t be here now.  I just decided to go for it, and go for it I did. 

I told Gregg (my first husband) that I wanted 6 children.  He just said "We’ll see."  He wasn’t enthused.  I really, really don’t think Jerry cares!  He loves the kids, and like me, is "the more, the merrier" and came from a big family anyway.  Oddly enough, my family doesn’t feel that big to me.  I suppose that it IS, because most people don’t have 5 kids, couldn’t TAKE 5 kids, and would be going crazy.  I only go crazy when I have to deal with them not doing what they’ve been told for the 5th time, which is Syd a LOT lately.  I’ve GOT to learn to quit screaming.  It’s a bad, nasty habit.  But that girl… she doesn’t listen, and instead of choking the life out of her, i scream at the top of my lungs.  Some days, it feels like a fair trade off, you know?  But Jerry hates it.  I don’t blame him… it’s more than likely a form of child abuse and I’ve got to stop.  Ugh.  I always say that, and don’t follow through.  I am a better mom/person than I used to be, but some days I wonder if I’ve quit growing?  Especially as I have been spending so much time playing games.  I’m sure I can quit, lol… though my lovely Farmville tree is full to the brim with presents.  Syd helps me with my farm.  Well, whatever.  I’m finding myself, today at least, just wanting to do other things than play games. &

nbsp;I guess we’ll see if it lasts.  It may, it may not.  I have much on my mind.

I guess we’ll see if the feeling passes as far as having another child.  I mean, I was rather looking forward to Alex getting old enough for me to start scrapping again.  Though honestly, I am not really "feeling" like scrapping.  Not feeling it at all.  Though I’ve been looking at stamping videos while I write, and that’s got me in the mood to go buy some stamps!  LOL… another thing to put on the "to buy" list I’m compiling, which includes the computers I want, plus big fluffy towels, and nice pillows… though I just bought a memory foam pillow yesterday (and darn Jerry used it first!!!!)  I had an episode a couple of weeks ago… oh, it was BAD.  I screwed my neck up, and I’m still kind of dealing with it, hence the new pillow.  

I really doubt that the "feeling" of wanting another baby is going to pass.  It just gets stronger each month that passes by.  Oh well.  Jerry told Becca to pencil it in for a year from now, lol… so I guess I have a couple of months.

I’m really, REALLY sick of having computers that qualify as ancient.  This mac is 8 years old.  My PC is 4.  I definitely am due for a new computer.  I guess I’ll have to see how much I have to spend, and then make up a budget.  If the sky just so happens to be the limit, then I’ll get the dream computer.  If the trees are the limit, then I’ll adjust accordingly.  I can live simply.  I don’t necessarily WANT to live simply though.  I guess that’s okay.  I have figured out that it also takes money to live green, and one of my dreams is to cover the house in solar panels.  My goal is basically to have NO debts, and to be able to live on less than 500 dollars a month, if I had to.  Wouldn’t be my first choice, but we’re practically doing it now.  I just really, REALLY want to live better.  MUCH better.  So really hopeful that these deals close.

Gees… 11:37.  I’m a little hungry, but plan on going to bed here soon.  I guess I’ll wrap up.