Must be something in the air

I was just looking over my faves entries, and many of them are frustrated, upset, depressed, angry… "negative" emotions.  And I’m there, too.  I’m tired, exhausted really.  Last night, Becca DROPPED her computer on the floor… on PURPOSE!  It’s a mac mini, so it’s tiny.  She’d gotten in a fight with Sydni, and the computer was in Syd’s room, and she was bound and determined that she was taking the computer back to her room… I told her to put the computer back on the table, and then she dropped it, and I just LOST it.  No beatings occurred (though I suspect I would have been justified in giving her one!) but I did yell quite a bit, and I had to restrain myself from throwing things at her.  So she left.  She was going to take off on her bike, but Jerry wouldn’t let her.  She walked.  He kept going out, looking for her, and he couldn’t find her.  Shabree was worried sick, Sydni was sad… I was just upset, mad.  I had to work on the kitchen to really keep from thinking about it.  And I kept asking Sydni to help me, and she just kept doing other things.  And I was NOT going to blow up again, so I just kept asking nicely, and she never helped me.  Finally I told her I was deeply disappointed in her, and hurt too, that she would take such advantage of me.  And did I HAVE to yell at her to get her to do what I was asking?  No, she said.  Bec, it turned out, was hiding out in the backyard.  She’s done that before… Jerry had gone out to look for her, and Syd mentioned it, so he called me.  I went out there (I needed a machete, I swear!  It was BAD with weeds), but she wasn’t out there.  But the dog had gotten out earlier, so I went around and closed the fence so she couldn’t get back out again, and when I went around to the front, she was LAYING in the driveway (how smart of her, eh?)  When she saw me, she quickly got up and practically ran inside the house and into her bedroom.  *I* didn’t want to talk to her, so I didn’t say anything to her.  I checked the computer (had to disassemble the PC for the monitor hook up) and thankfully, OMG, SO THANKFULLY, it’s fine!  I kept thinking, she threw a 500 dollar computer on the FLOOR!  It’s not an expensive computer, but can we replace it?  Not so much!  So I think I’m going to suggest that she has lost that privledge.  After a bit, Becca came out of her room, I was back in the kitchen cleaning some more (speech today, and I hate to have the speech teacher see my God awful house!), she was crying, and she just about ran into my arms "I’m SORRY!"  So I held her, and said "You DO know I love you right?"  And she said yes.  When she’d gone out the first time, Jerry had found her walking, and she’d said she wanted to live somewhere else, and he asked her why she didn’t go live with her mother, and she exclaimed "She doesn’t love me!"  Her MOTHER (not me).  So that’s why I said that.  It’s so hard being and raising a teenager.

And I’m PMSing, and this morning, I was trying to sleep a bit, when Shabree came in to brush her hair… okay, fine, went back to sleep.  But she came over to me, woke me up to say how much things are bothering her!  I just rolled over and groaned "I want to SLEEP!"  So then she stormed out, crying (we go over this DAY AFTER DAY, by the way… I’ve told her MANY ways to deal with her anxieties, but she just comes back with "I can’t… I can’t… I can’t"  SOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!!) And in storming out, telling me what a MEAN mommy I was being, she closed my door quite loudly, and then I hear crying from the closet… DAMN!  Now I HAD to get up.  I got enough sleep…. I guess.  I went and laid down around 10 last night, was woken up by Jerry coming to bed at 1, but I REALLY just wanted to SLEEP.  I feel really sore, and out of sorts, and I can only guess that I am PMSing pretty hard… and that should be here ANY freaking DAY now… and there is no chance in hell that I am pregnant.  Not a snowball’s.  So I’m just mad that it’s not here yet, put me out of my misery already!  

Anyway, I’ve spent today cleaning… at a glacial pace while I dealt with other things as well.  I got pretty much all the paperwork for the home school submitted yesterday, so we should be about ready to go.  I’ve got to fax in Shabree’s IEP (individualized education plan) for speech services, and fax in a waiver for Bec and Syd’s immunization records… they’ve GOT their shots, just no card.  Easier to do the waiver than try to get the info.  And I think that’s it, we’ll be ready to go.

And with that, I am going to get back to work.  Exhuasted… but at least cleaning takes my mind OFF things.  Though I’d rather lose myself on the computer.  Oh well.