Grrrrr

I was talking to Jerry about these deals closing, and when it would happen, and I said something along the lines of "Well, hopefully it’ll be in time for the after Christmas sales." because it’s just been SO LONG since I really had money to spend, and these last few days of Christmas shopping have been kind of stressful, just because I’ve been spending so much of my Wal mart money.  Anyway, Jerry doesn’t know that.  So he says, well, don’t buy junk and useless things.  Oh my FREAKING GOD.  What the HELL have I been doing this past year?  He’s basing what he’s saying on things I did like 2 and 3 years ago, when we HAD money.  Gees.  I haven’t bought myself any scrapbooking things in months.  I haven’t been in a scrapbook store since I can’t remember when!  I’ve gone without and without, and without for so long.  SO LONG.  I’ve been really, really good about not spending money we didn’t have.  He’s not even really being fair to me.  He quickly back peddled and said we shouldn’t talk about it, because I was starting to get pretty upset.  When we have had money, he’s gone to the coffee shop every day to work, but of course, he’s had to buy himself a coffee.  I NEVER do anything like that.  I go to Burger King or McDonalds once every month to every other month, and I take the kids to get them out of his hair so he can work…

I have GOT to talk to him about this, whether or not he likes it.  This just pisses me off so freaking completely.  I’ll try to do it so it’s not this huge arguement, but crap… give me a break already.

*Edit*

So he was half asleep when I went up there to talk to him.  He told me he just didn’t want me to spend the money unwisely, and that he said he’d been guilty of that too (and he had said that to me in the earlier conversation)  I said, it’s not really the conversation, just… this is wearing thin. I told him that buying that stuff was stressful, and he said I didn’t seem stressed, and I told him, I worry that we’re not going to have any money left.  I don’t know if dad is going to send us any more money in Jan, I don’t know if dad will HAVE money to send.  I told him "I love you, but if these deals don’t close, can you find something else to do?"  He said yes, but wanted to know what my loving him had to do with it.  I told him, well, I want to be supportive of him. 

And on another annoying "note" I’ve got Becca wrapping up the few presents I got… and one was a Monopoly game, a Disney edition.  It’s ages 8+ and the ONLY kid who hasn’t seen the damn thing is Shabree, so I planned to give it to Shabree.  Well, Becca didn’t like that AT ALL, and just kept yammering about it, how she’d just lose the pieces, how she’s too young for it, how I should just give it to Sydni, and when I said Syd would be just as likely to lose the pieces, how I should just give it to her.  Frankly, I got WAY tired of listening to it, and told her to give me the dang thing, and I went and put it away.  So now I don’t know who to give it to, or if I should give it to ANYONE… like I ought to just keep it for myself or something.  I think I like Disney better than all of them combined, and I sure as heck LOVE Monopoly, lol.  I just… oh Becca’s attitude just gets to me every so often, and honestly, she’s been REALLY good these last few days, a near delight to be around (I’m serious!)  I even complimented her on it.  Jerry was wondering the other day when her period was…

Well… I think it does it to us all, you know?  But I haven’t honestly seen anything that would make me think she has gotten her period, so maybe it’s not hormonal?  I dunno.  She just went from being a Witch with a capital B to being quite nice to be around… guess I won’t question it, I’ll just enjoy it… hopefully it lasts awhile.

Oh, and lest I forget… Sydni had herself some drama today.  She was listening to some song, and it made her cry, because she missed her mom.  So I told her to call Jane and ask if she could go over.  Well, Jane said yes (of course, WE’D have to provide transportation and gas… but I’m ok with that, I’ve got running around to do anyway.)  THEN, she talked to Steve, and that’s when she pissed me off greatly.  They don’t have cigarettes.  And she says, they get crabby when they don’t have cigarettes.  So first she asks if we’ll buy them cigarettes, and I told her that there was NO WAY Jerry was going to agree to buying them cigarettes.  So then she told me that Syd may not be able to come over, because they might just be too crabby, if they couldn’t find a way to buy cigarettes!!!

Oh, and the conversation started with "Hey, if you have extra food stamps… could you buy us milk?"  She also wanted bread.  Such a piece of work, that woman.  And of course, I had to explain the whole thing to Sydni, because she might not be able to go over there.  I felt HORRIBLE for her, poor thing.  You could tell by her face that she wasn’t all right with it, but was trying to be.  I just hugged her.  Thankfully, Kristin called, and that was a distraction.  When I asked her later if she was truly ok with it, she said yes.  And she may yet get to go, but I’m doubting it.  Sigh… and all I can think is, well, she’s going to learn that her mother cannot be counted on.  And eventually I’ll have to tell her the same thing I told Bec, which was "You don’t have to trust her to love her."  I asked Bec if she minded Sydni having a turn over there, because technically it would be Bec’s turn to go, and Bec didn’t mind at all.  I’d called her into my room, so she probably thought she was going to get read the riot act, and when that’s all it was, she was relieved, and just fine with it.  I knew she would be, because she doesn’t act all that interested in going to her mother’s house anyway.  Unfortunately, she knows.  She’s had her mom promise her so many things, only to have those promises broken, time and time again…even when they’re not promises… her mom told her for too many birthdays that she was getting her something, only for it to go by with nothing.  It would be better for her mom to just say I’m sorry, I don’t have the money than to make these statements and not follow through.  All I can say is thankfully Bec’s a strong kid, growing into a strong woman, and these things just kind of flow off of her like water.  Whatever hurt she’s experienced, she has not internalized.  I just don’t know that Sydni will have the same reaction.  Of course, before she called, I told her that if her mom said no, she couldn’t get upset, because she knows how her mom can be, and I hated to say that, and I said it as gently as I could… I don’t WANT to villify Jane.  I just don’t want her hurting the kids.  Though if they can survive that and still love, they will be just fine as adults.  And Sydni agreed, which may have been why she was trying to keep it all in when I told her she may not get to go after all.  Sigh.  I like Jane… but I do not like the way she acts.  I don’t like her selfishness.  When she buys a WoW

addition instead of paying her sister back, or doing Christmas for ANY of her kids (even Steves!) SOMETHING is wrong with that!  They get 1500 a month in SSI for their kids, 300+ in food stamps, live in low cost housing, don’t have car costs, and etc… and honestly, THEY come first before anyone. 

I’ve GOT to get to bed, and Alex is hollering like usual, and I’m just fried.  I’m to a point where I have no love for Christmas.  It’s a pagan holiday, I really question Christianity any more, and I don’t see the point of celebrating a holiday I don’t believe in.  It’s an excuse to spoil the people in your life, and it’s just been more stressful than joyful this year, and something I could REALLY have done without.  I started feeling like this last year though, so it’s not JUST the lack of money.  I don’t know… what’s funny is that songs like Away in a Manger, and Silent Night, and Angels We Have Heard on High, those are my favorite Christmas songs.  And I DO love the music of the season.  Every day practically I’ve been singing all the Christmas songs I can think of, and I know so many of them, all the words.  And not to be bragging, but so many of them do my voice justice… I LOVE singing Christmas songs.  So that part I can keep, lol.  That’s the joyous part for me.  I will see what I can do about getting you a video or audio of me singing.

I MUST go.  It’s so bedtime.