Finally went to the doctor

I’m having a baby shower! Please visit:

http://www.webbabyshower.com/mullen/

It was about what I expected. I wrote an entry last night, that I made private, but I put a lot of my fears about today into it, and a lot of those fears were realized.

1) I just KNEW he wasn’t going to want to do another V-BAC (vaginal birth after C-section). Admittedly, I had NO idea how dangerous they are when I had Sammi. I don’t blame him. I’m just not looking forward to surgery, it scares the hell out of me. At least with a vaginal birth, I can expect it to go fast because Sammi went fast.

On the other hand… I admit that the scar has been giving me issues. I admit that it’ll be easier to "plan" this birth if we do a C-section. I admit that after Sammi was born, I suspected I had issues with the scar… even after Shabree was born, she kicked me in that area, and I started bleeding after I had stopped. And… well, I’ll get my tubes tied at the same time, and no more "accidents"
Which means no more children, unless I adopt. I know in my HEAD I shouldn’t have any more. My heart though… well, really I always intended to adopt at some point anyway. I’m torn about the whole bringing more people into the world… okay, whatever, NOT going off on that tangent.

2) He was very abrasive. He was condescending…"WHY haven’t you seen a doctor? This puts you at high risk." To which I replied "I think I fall into about every high risk category there is"

Which actually, I do.
I’m over 35.
I’m over 200 pounds (this evidently puts me at risk for gestational diabetes, but I never had it before. Okay, I’ll grant that every pregnancy is different)
And of course the fact that I’m quite late into my pregnancy.

3) The office staff was not nice. Shabree went to grab a brochure, and they had a hissy fit… which in turn caused about a 10 minute crying spell from Shabree (it was NOT helped by my own "I’ve told you not to do that…") This wasn’t actually one of my fears, but it sure didn’t make me feel good about going to see this guy! I MISS KAISER!

4) No sonogram… I don’t know if I’ll get one later or not. I’m being forced to meet with a nutritionist (oh joy… little LATE isn’t it? Okay, the late part’s my fault… but why bother? I tried to opt out, and they wouldn’t let me) The doctor was in a rush. They took my blood pressure and weight after the visit. All I got was a lecture and a listen to the baby’s heartbeat, which sounded fine, but I have NO idea how fast it was or anything. I don’t think he cared, he was just making sure there WAS a heartbeat. I guess he had a delivery.

5) Called social services, and have to re-apply. We have 30 days of preemptive services in which time I will have coverage I guess. I expected this, so not a surprise, just not looking forward to it.

I signed a form for the tubal ligation. That way I can get it… I guess you have to do it a month in advance, so just under the wire there.
It was an emotionally draining experience. I mean, it’s been a roller coaster of a freaking year, and many many times we THOUGHT we’d have money… then just when I get to doing the stupid Medi-CAL, we DO get money… but 2 months later of course it’s gone, with nothing to replace it. WHAT was I supposed to do?   Hell if I know.
I took a nap at 2:30? I was going to do the power nap thing, but when 3 rolled around, I knew I’d only been asleep maybe 10 minutes, so I shut off the alarm and slept til 3:40. I didn’t really feel groggy when I woke up, I have to say. I don’t remember any dreams or anything. Last night was a total nightmare for me. I went to bed at 11:30, all jazzed because I was going to get a decent night’s sleep.   By 12:30, I realized my jaw was aching like no tomorrow, I was cold, and I couldn’t get my legs to stop moving. At 1 I took half a tylenol, after having taken 2 P.M.s at 11:30… I wasn’t too keen on this, but was hoping the extra half would take the edge off. It didn’t. At 3:20, I took two more P.Ms, and FINALLY fell asleep. FOUR hours after I went to bed. I was up and down that entire time though, going to the bathroom, trying to figure out what I could do, pacing, I even walked up and down the stairs at 3 to tire my legs out so they’d quit doing the RLS thing. I laid on the couch, but couldn’t get warm or comfortable. I was grateful for sleep finally. I woke up at 9:30 this morning to Sammi knocking lightly on my door. I fell back to sleep on the couch between 10 and 11, then we went and picked Breezy up and went to the doctor, which of course, I was a little late for, because Jerry inputted a screwy starting point, and Mapquest gave us weird directions from that.
And I just want to say… I’m not typically a snob, but I am a halfway educated woman… and I HATE being treated like a stupid, poor, white trash whatever. Sigh. I suppose it didn’t help that I just don’t even know how I got here. I couldn’t have been LESS pro-active if I’d tried. I was scared, depressed, practically unable to move. I’m NOT usually like that these days. I mean, I used to be REALLY super passive.   And I admit, I regressed during this pregnancy. I just have no idea why I did that. Well, I did have a confidence that everything is FINE with the pregnancy. I didn’t want to be poked, prodded, have blood drawn, have to drink a nasty orange concoction, have to deal with lines and waits and doctors and needles. I hated the thought of being on public assistance. And I sure don’t like how I’ve been treated so far "You don’t HAVE insurance? WHY NOT?" 🙁
This has been the suckiest pregnancy so far. Honestly, it was a good pregnancy from the standpoint of I got lots of rest, and I have been feeling pretty good generally, no suicidal thoughts or anxiousness or unwanted thoughts like with the former two. But I worried quite a bit not knowing how I was going to get insurance… Eh, I don’t know. I guess I feel guilty. But I didn’t want to go to the hospital not having EVER had any health care whatsoever. I just have to wonder, do I REALLY want THIS guy delivering this child? Sigh. By the pictures on his wall, he’s birthed a lot of babies, so I expect he’s probably good at it. I just don’t like his manner. Well… not today anyway.
I really do miss Kaiser. It was bureaucratic, to be sure, but my OB was just great, and I had a GREAT birth experience, and I have fond memories of it. I liked that I could call anytime with my worries, and get a nurse on the phone to answer and calm my worries.
My only other "thing" with having a C-section is Sammi. She’s SO freaking clingy… she always wants to be held, and I suspect picking her up is going to be a no-no, and it’s going to cause issues for her.   I’m not saying she’s clingy in a bad way… it’s just part of her personality, lol, pick me up, put me down, pick me up, put me down, etc.   She is at THAT age! Though Shabree was pretty much a "put me down" kind of kid. LOL. Just how AM I going to deal with not being able to pick Sammi up? It’s going to be a problem, though I SUPPOSE one of my "minor" worries, and one she WILL get over! I’m already at a point where I can barely pick her up anyway, and often refuse (only to have her cry at me…)

Well… this was not quite the rant I was on last night. I KNEW he wasn’t going to want to let me do a VBAC… is this a good thing or not? I don’t know. My heart says no, my head says yes. The risks are just much greater this time around. I told Jerry I guess we should relish Sammi’s birth experience, because it’s the only one we’re going to get. I wish Dr Rine hadn’t insisted on a C-section with Shabree…my life would be a lot different right now. Not that I can change the past or do a THING about it…

I’m glad I got a nap… I always feel much better after getting one, and it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I got the night before. I NEED sleep in the middle of the day, even if it is only 20 minutes (though one day I cheated and did two 20 minute sessions, lol) I think that’s part of why I’ve been so much LESS irritable. I’m actually getting enough sleep! For the most part, lol.
Well, I had better go get Sammi up from her nap… it’s gotten kind of late.