4/19/08

I’m having a baby shower! Please visit:

http://www.webbabyshower.com/mullen/

Sleep… my enemy these days.  I know, I know I go on and on about sleep.  It’s just getting worse and worse.  I think I only have a month and a half to go now though.  Thank GOD.  I’m just a freaking walking zombie.  If I don’t get enough, then I’m a bitch.  What can I say?  I am not one of those people who survive on 6 hours.  These days, I barely make it on 10.  I’m probably going to rely on drugs… good ol’ Tylenol PM, to get me through.  Because if I can get 4 hours uninterrupted by my bladder of sleep, I’ll probably be doing a lot better than I am. 
I know I shouldn’t complain so much.  I just sit at this computer and YAWN, and sometimes it’s like a mantra in my head… "I’m tired.  I’m tired.  I’m tired."  And maybe I’m MAKING myself tired doing that… I don’t know?  Who knows what the cause and effect of that are entirely.  I’ve long been a person who was deeply influenced by the amount of sleep I got.  I can remember times when I’d just cry and cry and cry, and KNOW it was because I was sleep deprived.  When Sammi was first born, I was nearly out of my mind because SHE cried so much, I couldn’t get enough sleep, and I’m sure there were small times when I wasn’t sure who I wanted to kill more…her or me.  But we’ll just keep that to ourselves… the sane part of me over-rules, because I KNOW how inclined to depression I am… I just wait out the bad times, and they go away.  They really do.  And sleep helps.  I should probably keep more of a schedule of when I go to sleep and get up, but that’s never been how I work.  Still, it would probably help if I did that.  I guess maybe that’s the laziness, the undisciplined me kicking in.  Everything aches… my jaw (teeth problems I will have fixed the MINUTE I have money and insurance, I swear!), my hip if I lay on it too long, my back (go figure!).  I sleep so oddly placed that I wake up and my hands have fallen asleep.  I don’t know why I bend my hands like that when I sleep.  I don’t know if it’s causing me harm or not.  It’s not like I can go to the doctor and complain about it either…  I wake up and scratch my hands up in my half sleep, because they itch so badly.  Sometimes I wake Jerry up with it.  He gets upset with me, tells me to stop it. 
He asked me to make him pancakes this morning, so I did… I’d already eaten, so was making them just for him.  I was snappy at the kids, and he told me if it was a problem to make the pancakes, he’d make them.  I said, It’s not about the pancakes.  It’s about the fact that I’m up every two hours peeing.  It’s about the fact that everything hurts.  I don’t mind making you pancakes at all.  I just wish I could get some decent sleep.  And after I’d made the pancakes, I went to the couch, and proceeded to fall asleep DESPITE the fact that the kids were all downstairs and making plenty of noise… though they did wake me up vacuuming the living room.  After an hour and a half or two hours, woke up, bladder feeling painfully full, feeling as though I’d been drugged, but amazed I could sleep through the girl’s noise.  I couldn’t go back to sleep after that, though I did try.