3/3/08

Why is it I always want to start my entry with Well…

LOL

Okay, I’ll resist starting with Well,

The coffee grounds thing was probably a much bigger "thing" than it needed to be.  He writes that he’s started a compost pile w/ 100 pounds of coffee grounds, and maybe 3 or 4 other things, and it’s not heating up.  I wrote to the group that I didn’t think there was enough Nitrogen in coffee grounds to make a pile hot, I didn’t think he had enough "stuff" (like other degradable items) and that maybe he should add some manure.  Well, that was his reply, and my reply was just very tired, had some caps (I use caps for emphasis, but I forget that netiquette says they’re "shouting")  so I apologized, he apologized, and it’s all good now, though I did cry while I wrote my apology, I was pretty hurt.  And the moderator chastised us and told us to take OT emails off the board… sigh.

So that’s that in a nutshell, hopefully it made sense ;).
I was reading some of my entries from right after I first got married, and I realized how far I’ve come as far as my depressions go.  I can’t remember the last time I had a full blown depression.  Although I’ve been wondering about myself lately… lost interest in scrapbooking, tired all the time, avoiding the computer to an extent (I have a very hard time staying away from it, but I didn’t want to confront my email last night), sleeping what seems/feels like all the time.  I took a nap today, not sure how long.  I just tend to wonder, how much of this is related to the pregnancy, and how much of it could be depression?  If it is depression, then it’s not one of my old familiar "I want to die" depressions… or even escape.  It’s just a feeling of malaise.  Oh, and I hardly ever go out any more.  I only go to pick up Shabree from school, and then a lot of times I just stay in the house the rest of the day/week.  I often don’t see the light of day in the outdoors on the weekends, I’m either sleeping or on the computer, or doing something with a kiddo.  I haven’t felt like cooking in the least, I have done SOME cleaning, but it’s not my first choice, lol…  Well, is it EVER my first choice?  😉  Sorry… I’m a lousy housekeeper.  But I don’t go out.  Though I’d like to tonight, if Jerry feels we can manage it.  The girls are all at the park right now, they even have Sammi with them.  She’s been clingy, clingy, clingy these last couple to three days.  She wants to be held, but then she wants down, then if you get up, she wants to be picked up and carried everywhere… Now, she is about 24 pounds… added to my 221 (as of this morning, guess I didn’t gain 3 pounds…but I’m all over the board), and it gets VERY tiring to haul her around.  The other day I was complaining to Shabree that my arm felt like it was going to fall off after I’d picked her up from school and had hauled Sammi and Shabree’s bike all over the school.  I was achy!  I suppose in a way, it’s good for me, but ouchy.
Oh, did I mention we’re getting Shabree lunch from school now?  It’s so cool…her lunch is free.  We get reduced lunch, but because the school already gets reduced lunch, lunch is free for the girls.  What I did not know is that if a Kindergartener wants lunch after they get out of school, all they have to do is go get it and punch in their number.  So now I never have to deal with Shabree’s "I’m STARVING….make me something, please!"  she just opens her stuff up and starts eating.  It’s nice, especially if Sammi and I ate before we went to pick up Shabree, I don’t have to deal with it twice.  When they were off-track, it was just killing me, feeding them, I was wishing they could go down to the school to get lunch.  It was just feeling like this HUGE expense to feed them.  And they get free breakfast, too, so the only meal we really have to worry about is dinner.

The phone got shut off today.  Well, partially anyway.  And the truck was repossessed.  We had resigned ourselves to that, though so it didn’t feel like TOO big of a deal…problem is, there was a car seat in there, now we have to drive across the friggin city to go retrieve it!  Jerry meant to either take it out yesterday, or hide the truck at Wal mart until we figured out what to do… and did neither, so he was kind of cursing himself today.  So now we’re just down to the van, which doesn’t seem like a biggie, but God forbid it should die or something!  We’d be up the creek (you  know WHICH creek!) without a paddle!  Anyway, Jerry paid the phone bill, and the electric and gas, and so now we’re caught up there… and we actually have a few hundred to see us through the month.

Mmmm, gotta share an irony with you.  I was talking to Jane the other day, and through SSI for their kids, food stamps and cash aid, they actually MAKE 2 grand a month!  GEEES!  They make more than we do, a LOT more.  It’s practically insane.  I almost have to sigh… doesn’t quite seem fair, ya know?  They don’t really HAVE to work, they make quite a comfortable living off the state/country.  I’m jealous, okay?  Well, not that my kids would ever qualify for SSI, but they’re both able bodied adults… they could work (so could I… and Jerry does, not that it’s really GETTING us anywhere so far… but he’s working on it!)  The most I hope for is Medi-CAL, and I had to have Jerry put together a P&L for the last 30 months, and a P&L on the house in Galt because of the rental income which we’re probably going to lose after this month anyway!  And of course, he doesn’t really have time for this, so he didn’t do it Saturday, nor Sunday, he started it today, and who knows when he’ll find time to finish it up?  Without it, my Medi-CAL is going nowhere, so I have to really wonder if I’m going to ever be able to see a doctor.  I am trying my best to just ask him for this stuff, not get attitude, not blame him (well, I’m the one who took practically a month to get it submitted in the first place!  So what can I really say to him?)  
I guess I’d better just resign myself to the thought that I will probably NOT ever see a doctor as far as this pregnancy is concerned… and I know that’s not going to sit well with people.  I can only hope that the birth will be in a hospital, and covered.  I still have three months, so things can change.  I do feel woefully under-prepared, as the only hospital I even know where it is, is probably Kaiser…though there might be a Sutter one up the road.  They can’t turn you away if you’re in full active labor.  Sure, they can give you a bill… but that’s about it.  Not exactly where I’d LIKE to be.  Mom offered to bring me up to Colorado and take care of me, but Jerry was so NOT thrilled with that prospect, it’s not gonna happen.  My sister in law Aurora, she went to Mexico to have her babies, I don’t think Chaunce even cared that she was gone… but that’s them, and Chaunce ISN’T Jerry, so I’m wondering if mom has this idea based on Chaunce.  Not only that, but my mom SUCKS when it comes to the "mothering" things.  Sure, she’ll pay for stuff, and that’s helpful, but she would not be by my side when it came time to give birth to this child, so I’d do it alone.  Which, knowing me, wouldn’t be a big deal, but c’mon, Jerry wouldn’t let me give birth without his being there, and that is a comforting thought.  I pride myself on being a fairly strong woman, but I do derive quite a bit of my strength from Jerry, as he’s my rock.
I’m likely making more of all of this than is necessary.  What difference is it really going to make at this point if I see a doctor, don’t see a doctor…?   Yea, it’d be NICE.  It just feels like a luxury at this point.  If I can’t get myself more motivated, if Jerry can’t put other things aside to work on this, then obviously, it’s just not that important to us… as they say, actions speak louder than words.  I have to admit though, I have a huge lump in my throat.  I just can’t really say anything to Jerry to make him hurry up with that stuff.  I KNEW it wasn’t going to be as easy as he was making it out to be.  Like we were just going to write them a letter about all this stuff and they were just going to go "Okay, here you go"  I hope to GOD it’s not a big waste of time.  It sure feels like it’s probably going to be.  WHY would the "system" give anything to me?  I should be working.   He should be making money.  You gotta wonder, who in their "right" mind puts over a year into a business that’s NEVER paid off?  Well, I never claimed either he or I were in our right minds anyway.
The kids are getting home from the park, so I’m going to wrap up and go attend to them.