Dang it

Well, I had an entry written earlier, and it didn’t save. And of course, when I tried to copy and paste it on my dad’s computer, so I could retreive it, it gave me a c and a v instead, and took out my entire entry. Grrr. Anyway, I wrote that I think I’m pregnant. My period is late, it should have been here Saturday, and here it is Monday, and still no sign. Plus I have sore breasts. I’m kind of scared and excited all at the same time, but what makes me really nervous is how to tell Jerry. He doesn’t want another baby, especially with our financial situation the way it is right now. I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine, but how can I know for sure? Also, I had planned to start a business, while the baby sleeps, and now I’m wondering if that’s when I’m going to want to nap, because pregnancy has always taken a lot out of me, and I get SO tired in the afternoon, that with Sammi, I badly needed a nap. Well, we’ll see. I have to do SOMETHING, I think, to get things moving around our house financially. I’ve got a plan to feng shui the house. I don’t think the energy flows are as stopped up as I thought, but I still want to get some sage to clean things up, and I have some plans to put up some things in certain rooms to help with the financial energy in particu;ar. Okay, so that’s a huge diversion from being pregnant. I just cannot decide how to tell Jerry, or when to tell him. Of course, I still need to do a test, but I am wondering if I should wait and see if things can get a bit better before I tell him, and to that end, I’ve really got to work my butt off. I’m still not sure how I’m going to do THAT, but I’ve got to do what I can. Things MUST get better, especially if we have another baby coming (and part of me THINKS it might be twins, but we’ll see…my intuitions are not always on…) I can barely believe it actually happened though. Like, woah, I actually got pregnant. I wasn’t really trying, wasn’t really preventing. In the past, that got me nothing, certainly not pregnant, lol. So I’m a little suprised that anything "took." ALTHOUGH, I do still have the WHOLE next nine months (and by the pregnancy calculators, the baby is due June 1st… pretty cool) to make it through. What I mean is, a ton of things could happen between now and then. The last time I felt like this, I lost the baby soon after I got pregnant. Like I wasn’t quite attached enough hormonally or something, I do NOT know. Of course, my next pregnancy, I lived in fear I was going to lose that baby. Although, this and the lost pregnancy had it in common that I wasn’t completely sure I WANTED to be pregnant. Well… if Jerry was 100% on board and I could just say Hey, I think I’m pregnant! I know I’d feel better about it. Plus, this will be child number 5 for the two of us, and that IS a lot of children. I don’t care… the more the merrier, and the crazier…once you hit four, in my opinion, it just kind of stops mattering. I’ve GOT to watch the hormones though. They do tend to make me crazy. I really am hoping I don’t have the visions I did with Sammi of knives cutting me up and taking her away from me. They were pretty creepy, and always seemed to happen when I was trying to use the bathroom. I suppose I REALLY needed to use sage in THAT house, lol. This house has a totally different "feel" to it. I don’t really know, just know I need to get things realigned somehow. It’s funny, because my breats are tender, and in my mind, I was thinking "well, you wanted sore breasts, you got them!" Like I set myself up for them, looking for that particular sign of pregnancy. Oh well, at least I know I’m pregnant. I must be, my period has been like clockwork lately…my whole cycle has been pretty "on" lately… it was never that way in the past, but my pregnacies and expanding knowledge of my body and how things work have really contributed to me knowing… and I know I allowed myself to get pregnant, even while I’m still not convinced it was COMPLETELY the right thing to do… it mostly felt like the right thing to do, so I hope that intuition was right. Only time will tell. But I’m not anxious to make Jerry worry about how HE is going to get me health care. I want to worry ahout it myself. I’m not real sure what to do about it. I am rather hoping that we can come up with the money, however, I guess I’ll give it a few months, and if nothing happens, I’ll look into some sort of discounted health care. I really do not want to worry about it, because it feels, seems like everyone is overly concerned about pre-natal care, and I can’t help but feel, okay, yes, it’s necessary, but to that extent? It’s kind of hard to explain, but essentially, I have had two healthy pregnancies before. I am a healthy individual (well, except for my weight) and I KNOW how to conduct a healthy pregnancy. I don’t really want to worry about this one, especially if nature is just going to take its course. I will make sure that by month 3 or 4, I have something in place, but most women make it through the first few months without health care. Well, I’m going to get going and post this already. Well, I’d better wrap up and get the girls off to bed.