Horrible news
My best friend, Linda called me tonight. I’ve actually talked with her just about every night this week, but of course, haven’t been writing in HERE. This past week has been an absolute nightmare for her. It started with a cyst on the underside of her arm, which they removed. It would NOT stop bleeding. Just about every day she would be in the dr’s office… they couldn’t figure out WHY this thing wouldn’t stop bleeding. Then they found a tumor. This was Thursday? Maybe Friday. She was SUPPOSED to come here on Saturday…think I wrote that. Well, I got a call from her, and she was in the hospital again, they were removing the tumor, it was on an artery… very close to it. They removed as much of it as they could. Sigh… they did a biopsy, and things looked promising… stage one cancer… possibly it had moved into her lymph nodes. Well, TODAY she got a call, come in now. It looks more like stage 3-4, has progressed to the lymph nodes in her groin. She had to have a very painful injection that will hopefully shrink any tumors down there. She’s not even been able to take it all in. I wasn’t either, really. Oh… Linda is nothing if not a survivor, but it sure does feel like if it’s not one thing, it’s another. With her heart problems, there are additional issues to this cancer. They are somewhat limited in what they can do for, and to her. On TOP of all of that, she’s a Jehovah’s Witness, so they don’t allow blood transfusions in her religion. She can do "fake blood" she calls them blood builders, and after listening to her, I don’t know why they use human blood at all anymore… this stuff is MUCH better, and safer. However, that is beside the point of my story here, isn’t it? It just complicates things, because the hospital isn’t "bloodless" so they have to get the blood builders in.
Oh we talked about so many things tonight… getting her scrapbook done (I’m working on a layout for her now…. I printed out some paper and pictures, just printed the journaling, and I think I’m going to make it a simple one) What a blow though… to go from "We don’t think it’s serious" to "This is VERY serious" in a DAY…. I can’t even imagine. And of course she’s asking "What have I DONE to deserve this?"
I asked her what I could do for her, and it is my intention to go down there, even if I have to load up on benedryl or whatever (she’s got a cat AND a dog, and I’m allergic to both, though I’m more immune to dogs, since I’ve had dogs in my life since I was 11) I’m going to help her with her scrapbook, I swear! It may sound STUPID to people who don’t scrapbook, but this is basically what brought Linda and I together… the love of scrapbooking… and I know she views it as a legacy to her children. She wants to write some letters to them, and I think we’ll tuck those behind the pages, as "hidden journaling" It’s so SAD to think of things this way, but we all do die someday, and we’d better get her stuff caught up sooner rather than later.
I guess in a way, I’m reeling too. Right now, this woman is my only friend, other than my husband. I talk to her nearly every day, and she’s a huge part of my life, even though we rarely do see each other. God forbid we PLAN anything, it nearly always blows up in our faces, but it’s nice to be able to talk for hours on the phone. Ellen…she’s so distant, has her life in Denver, and it really doesn’t involve me at all. Kim… with the stupid van, I don’t think she’ll ever talk to me again (and I don’t honestly CARE… it’s her loss!) So it’s hard… the knowing that she may die, and I will have lost a great friend. And in all honesty, it’s NOT how I want to think… it’s not how I can think and stay sane. I know I have to see the reality, but I don’t really have to "buy" into it, so to speak. We CAN have hope, at the same time as having a realistic view that she may die. But Linda has faced death before… many, many times. She’s not ready to die, so hopefully that sees her through. I doubt very much that she’ll have a long life… no living to 100 for her… no living to 80 for that matter… but maybe, hopefully she can make it to 60. And we’ll take that. She’s 43, which is 6 years older than me… but it often feels that she’s much older than that even, just because of everything she’s gone through, and because she had her first baby at 17, so her kids are pretty much grown up, and mine are still young. However, we have a bond that is beyond ALL of that. We have a love for each other… well, okay, people don’t talk about that, do they? I just need her in my life. She is my best friend, she’s who I call when I’ve had it. I am who she calls when she’s overwhelmed… she even called me once when she was suicidal, and I’ve been there so many times myself, that I told her it was okay to feel the way she did… but she didn’t have to act on it. I think I was the ONLY one who told her that. Everyone else told her she couldn’t think that way. I just told her to tie a knot at the end of that rope and HANG ON. 🙂 I am not tooting my own horn here, but I think I am the only one, other than her husband, and sometimes not even her husband "gets" her the way I do… and vice versa. Everyone needs someone like that in their life, don’t they? It’s so hard for me to build friendships… I’m so terrified of people putting me down, judging me for my lousy parenting, housework, etc… that I often don’t reach out to people. LOL, even Linda at first drove me a little nuts. She had this way of being sarcastic that just made me think "good grief, she’s an angry person!" I never thought we’d make it to where we are now. But I asked her if I could tell her some things, and that was one of them…and you know, she was grateful for the viewpoint, and she changed as a result. I do try to put things as mildly as I can, but that was a hard one. But I was glad… she felt she was a better person, and I know I had an easier time being around her, lol… I’ve got a sarcastic streak a mile long myself, but I typically just keep it to myself, because sarcasm can be SOOO mean. My mother used it as a sword to wound me many times.
Anyway… I’ve gotten too much "Look what a wonderful person I am" LOL… I’m NOT trying to go there ;). Really. Linda has helped me grow as a person too. It’s just one of those kinds of friendships…we are THERE for each other. It’s developed into a very deep friendship, and it’s definitely not one I’m ready to say good bye to.
Oh… if I am going to finish this layout tonight, I am going to HAVE to get off this computer and go do it… so will close up for now.
However, on one last note, and totally on another topic…the girls had a karate graduation tonight. Becca’s a yellow belt, Syd and Shabree are orange/yellow, as they only went up half a belt. Becca went up a full belt, because she’s in the Black Belt club and has an extra practice on Fridays. I justwish all that training would translate to her home life more. She’s driving me crazy with her attitude.
Anyway, that’s enough for now.
