7/19/07

What a day! Man, I don’t even KNOW where to begin. I got up at 9, which I knew I had to do if we were going to leave at 10 for Stockton, to get there by 11… had to leave by 10:15 at the latest. So I got dressed, and I wore something FAIRLY unusual for me, which was a pair of pants that were calf high, and a tank top (it’s NOT a tank top, but close… built in bra, spaghetti straps shirt), so I was looking pretty good. I KNEW putting this on, Jerry was going to be… upset? mad? hurt? that I would wear it and go out for the day. I thought, I shouldn’t even put this on, but Linda always looks so cute, and I wanted to look cute too. So I went downstairs, and sure enough "Why do you wear those clothes when you’re NOT with me?" So I went upstairs and changed, with Jerry following me, going "why are you so upset?"
Argh.
Yea… let me COUNT the ways. (I did NOT do this to Jerry, but I’m going to outline it for you here)
One: We have no money coming in. None. God only can say when there WILL be money coming in.
Two: Because of this, we can’t pay the bills, and *I* have to take all the #$%@ calls from the creditors.
Three: I MIGHT have to go get a job.
But, Four: If I got a job, all my paycheck would have to go towards day care, and
Five: My kids need their mother. I HATE THIS.
Six: Am I praying wrong? Is God NOT listening to me? What am I doing wrong?
Seven: (okay, THIS part I told to Jerry… he is like " You go to bed after me, and on the nights I go to bed late, you go to bed early) I have to go to bed when I’m EXHAUSTED. I do NOT want to lay in bed and THINK. NO WAY. So I wait until I am really tired, THEN I go to bed. It’s usually around 1-2 a.m., though truthfully, it was 4:30 one morning last week. Monday, actually… I was suffering when I had to get up at 7:30 to see my mom off.
Eight: This is STUPID… I made the mistake of picking up the book "Phantom" which is based on Phantom of the Opera. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I read about 30 minutes, ended up in tears for 30 minutes clutching Samantha. I still can’t think about it without tears filling my eyes… if this were paper, the ink would be smudged right here. That was Monday, so add in very tired. Plus my period is due in a few days… so add in PMSing.
Nine: I also told this one to Jerry. I YELLED at Becca on Monday. I use caps, because I screamed at her. I was supposed to pick up her uniform top. She tells this to me at 11, just after I’ve gotten out of bed, after going back to sleep after the Phantom incident, and seeing mom off… okay? Now I’ve got to go pick up Sydni from summer school, send my swaps out so I don’t look like a complete flake of a hostess, and I’m now addicted to a stupid palm pilot game that I’ve had on it forever but had never opened up before (hence why I went to bed at 4:30!!! STUPID GAME!!!!) So Becca has Karate at 5, and as I said at 11, she tells me and asks me to pick it up after I drop Shabree off at her Karate at 4. (she’s telling me this at 11!)
So… I drop Shabree at Karate, and do I remember? NO, of course not.
At 4:55, I quit playing my game to look at the time, and SHIT, we’ve got FIVE minutes. And THEY’RE NOT DRESSED! And Shabree’s Karate let out 10-15 minutes ago! Damn!
So Becca has the AUDACITY to tell me it’s MY fault she doesn’t have her uniform top. ADD to this, that the t-shirt she has on is FILTHY. It’s a white t-shirt that is SO brown, it might as well be a brown t-shirt.
I tell her to have a little pride in her appearance. (I told her not to go to Karate, and Jerry was none too happy with either of us for that…. Karate costs a lot of money. Which we DON’T HAVE!)
While thinking this is sure the pot calling the kettle black, though I do wear clean clothes! But I DO feel I dress like a frump. Oh for heaven’s sake, I’m a MOM… I wear jeans and t-shirts pretty much every day, though I’ve got about 5 tank tops, and I wear them quite a bit.
So now I’m feeling like, I’m setting a bad example for Bec, though I also can’t wear the kind of clothes Jerry would have me wear, because I would look like a COMPLETE skank. I mean… I’ve got this "good Catholic girl" background, and GOD FORBID I LOOK LIKE A SKANK!!! Well, and I’m telling the girls, especially Becca, that she can’t wear those kinds of revealing clothes. Freaking rock and a hard place.
Ten: The girls are stressing me out at this point. Well… they’ve been home for two months, and they’re on my nerves. Normal… normal, normal, normal. I’ll deal. I’d MUCH rather be here than working!!!! THIS is what I was born to do. I love them SO much. Even WITH all their attitude… and trust me, there is PLENTY of attitude to go around with the 3 of them… gees, when Sammi grows up…. whew.

I keep praying…it’s all I can do. I may be praying wrong, but I can’t help but feel, SOMETHING good’s gotta come out of all this. It’s hard not to wonder if I’m being tested… I mean, I’m not even religious! But I’ve always been super spiritual… been on my own "God-led" path…though when you’re trying NOT to think…it’s hard to let God in, you know? So maybe I’m missing some messages. I’m pretty sure I’ve been too selfish (something I’m getting continually upset with Becca for, so maybe I ought to consider if she’s a mirror for me? Seriously… the things you find annoying in other people are the things you need to work on yourself!!!) It’s hard to let go…when you feel you have little, you want to hang on to it, and that is the sort of thinking that blocks creative energy (here I go with my metaphysical training, lol!!!!! Yea, I’m sure an odd ball at times!) which means money energy is being blocked too… well, it blocks all SORTS of energy. You can’t hang on to things and expect to have a flow… it doesn’t work like that.

So yea, I’m kind of a stressed out mess right now…gotta admit it.

Becca wants me to come look at a scrapbooking program I downloaded to her computer, so I am going to wrap this up…besides, Jerry and I are going to go see Harry Potter… Rick can handle the kids, who are all in bed. Now, HE’S a subject for another time (but not because he stresses me out, lol)

Dalilah (sorry, know I spelled that wrong!), check out the pictures in the previous post.

Mandy Mom

July 20, 2007

ryn: LOL, I couldn’t cook worth a flip when I got married. My husband did all the cleaning and most of the cooking.. but we both worked so I didn’t feel that guilty. Now that I stay at home, I feel like I need to be doing more of the cleaning and cooking than he does, and for the most part, I do. (Although, sometimes I get a horrible mental block against it and need his help.) I’m greatat baking, and once I got around to testing my hand at cooking, it turned out pretty well. Plus, I have a list of things that require little, if any cooking/baking but are pretty filling and allow my husband to sit back and relax when he gets home. (Of course, the glass of wine I hand him when he plops down helps too!)