4/5/07
Well, as of today, still no money. She sent us 400 dollars yesterday (realize, she owes us 10,000) so I bought diapers and formula, and spent WAY too much on Easter gifts for the girls (Jerry gave me 200 of it), bought some groceries, and put the last 40 into the car’s tank today. I think the next vehicle I’m going to get will HAVE to be a hybrid…. these gas prices are outrageous! I would not drive at all if I could help it, and I actually do spend most days at home, putzing around my scraproom. I even skipped Shabree’s speech therapy last week (and should not have bothered making the trip this week, the school is on Spring Break… so that gas was wasted, doggone it) The way I drive, which is mostly just hauling the girls to and from school, I could go a month on a tank of gas in a hybrid. And I REALLY only need a vehicle that seats 5, though I’d prefer one that seats 8 or 9. I might just get a Prius. Not that ANY of that matters, it’s NOT like I have money for a new vehicle anyway. It’s excrutiating, truth be told. I’m guessing I’m going to have to take the Easter gifts back, get the money for them and spend it on groceries instead. I feel bad for the girls, but they don’t really even care, truth be told. They’d rather see us buy groceries too. I’m really proud of them in that regard. I haven’t bought anything scrapping related in over a month, it’s just been the necessities… food, gas, diapers, formula. Even the girls are taking their lunches to school. We rarely go out, we’ve been eating all our meals at home. I’d say in the last month – 6 weeks, we’ve gone out a total of 6-8 times, that includes lunches and dinners. We haven’t gone to Sunday brunch, when we have had lunch, it’s been McDonalds or Burger King… which has been Shabree and I only, for a total of 3-5 dollars. We just eat from the dollar menu. We even have gone to McDonalds AFTER eating dinner here, just to play. I’ve been trying to be SO careful about not wasting gas, though sometimes that’s hard… combining trips that is. But I’ve tried.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. We’ve been REALLY good. I just don’t understand any of this. The cable is due to be shut off any day now, which means no internet connection (I really don’t care if we have tv or not), which would be awfully painful. On the other hand, without internet, I might get something done around here… ever since I discovered AOL, my life has never been more of an excuse to be online, checking emails, chatting… I think it helped contribute to my first divorce… hm, without the internet, I might be living a very different life right now.
Okay, so off that tangent. I just keep wondering, WHAT the hell is the lesson? What exactly am I supposed to be learning from all this pain? To keep the faith? When do I throw in the towel on faith, and go get a job, that I do not want in the least? When do I give up on my dreams, give up on being a stay at home mom, watching Sammi grow day by day, and get a job, or do I allow us to lose this house because we can’t afford to make the payments on it? WHAT DO I DO? When do I stop believing that Jerry is actually going to close a deal, and it’s actually going to fun, and we’re actually going to HAVE money? Preferably money to burn…? I feel so frigging angry at whatever this is supposed to be…. I mean, the woman OWES us the money…we loaned it to her, and she should pay us back and stop stringing us along like this. At the very least, she should stop lying and just tell us she’s never going to pay us back… at least have the freaking GUTS to just say "I’m a loser… I borrowed all this money from everyone, and I’m not going to pay it back" so we can stop having any faith whatsoever that we’re going to get our money back.
And on THAT tangent, the people in Mexico won’t give us back our down payment either. That’s 100,000 down the drain, evidently. I can’t stand it… 100,000 would keep us going for a minimum of 6 months… long enough for Jerry to close a deal and then we could breathe… now I’m not saying that I want to give up on the deal in Mexico, because I would still LOVE to own that villa, and them keeping our money, to me, means the deal is still going, otherwise, you give it back. Not that they have to… it would take years in the Mexico court system to get our money back, though I suspect there are ways around it, suing them here in the U.S…. which I don’t know if it’s feasible, but I’d be willing to bet there’s SOME way. There I go on another tangent. I’m just so tired of getting screwed over by people we THOUGHT we could trust… I mean, the people in Mexico are friends of GOOD friends of ours. And I would have thought them to be upstanding people, I really would have… but they got our money, we should have escrowed it, we were STUPID and trusting…. and that is what we get for being stupid and trusting. So maybe that’s what the lesson is supposed to be about…? Hardening us, making us more cautious about who we loan money to, more cautious about how we do business, especially with things in foreign lands. Just because someone LOOKS honest, seems honest, doesn’t mean they ARE honest… or that they won’t get greedy when the opportunity arises to do so.
I’ve got to go to bed… once again it’s 2 a.m. and I’m up WAY too late.