1/4/07

 I have GOT to clean up the PC, and get the wishblade working again.  I ordered new blades, they’ll be here any day now, and if I want to be able to use it, then I’ve got to figure out what is wrong with the darn thing and FIX it.  I want the new wishblade, because it’s mac compatible, and I wouldn’t be having these problems on the mac ( trust me on that, OS X is SOLID, I haven’t had to reinstall anything in a year now… though I can’t save anything from the web to the internal hard drive, and since I have an extra hard drive that is partitioned into two hard drives, I haven’t really cared to try and fix it, I just save to one of those instead… it’s a minor issue, not like with the wishblade. )  I HATE this PC.  It crashes constantly.  I’m going to uninstall some things and see if I can clean up a bit… though I really don’t have the skill to do this properly.  I may have to call my friend Ellen and see if she can help me troubleshoot this blasted thing.  I’d MUCH rather be scrapping than doing this.  I removed an eye candy program… I’m already missing it, lol, but it kept constantly asking me to register, and I didn’t feel like paying for it, so I removed it.  I know it’s insane, but I’m trying ONCE more to remove and reinstall the software.  Hopefully this works.  I’m going to go with the new driver, not the old one… that MIGHT make a difference.  Hm… I should find BOTH drivers and trash them if this doesn’t work.  I told Jerry I wanted the new wishblade, and he was pretty upset, since we just bought this one November before last, and at that time I had to buy a PC to run the darn thing.  I’m sure being short of money right now just doesn’t help.  I’m sure of it.   I seriously HATE this PC.  And it’s a pretty huge pain to have two computers on the desk, having to have space for two monitors, two towers, and all the attachments that go with them.  I WILL say this though, the mac is, for whatever reason, probably the fan actually, loud as hell, and the PC is pretty quiet.  I MAY have to start fresh with the PC, just initialize the whole thing, and start from scratch.  I can probably do that, but I do have an awful lot of files for the Wishblade (NOT that I use them!)  Well, that’s the only thing I use the PC for, is the wishblade, so it’d be really NICE to have it back up and running. 

Jerry came home tonight, and he tells me "Life is not fair.  I’m pretty sure that the reason that Nancy stays with Brian even though she has to put up with all this shit from him, is that she really likes sex, and so does he.  I really like sex, and I treat my wife good.  Why can’t you like sex too?"

Sigh.  There are days.
That really hurt, too. 

I don’t know.  Some days I just feel like

Well, I don’t know.  Last year, or maybe the year before, in a very PMSsy moment, I wrote in a blog I no longer keep, that I just wanted to divorce him.  And I was angry, and upset, but mostly I was just PMSing.  He brought this up a week or so ago, saying he hadn’t forgotten about it.  I guess I just feel like he NEVER forgives ANYTHING.  He never forgave Jane for things either.  He doesn’t forget, he doesn’t forgive.  God forbid you not appreciate the things he does for you enough, because he will just quit doing them for you.  Since marrying him, I have come to hate my birthday, because it used to be that I got so excited about my birthday, that I got silly and stupid, and I would remind, and ask what he was getting me, and he finally just got so mad at me, that I quit, and now I don’t even want to HAVE a birthday, because I feel like I lost a piece of myself that I used to love.  I’m no longer silly, not as much anyway… Sometimes I let myself be silly, but truthfully, I can’t afford to BE silly.  Again, I don’t know.  He just really kind of killed me with that comment.

Some days I just wonder if I will lose him.  Maybe I’m just tired, maybe my medication is screwing with my head right now (I did take it today and yesterday, but that was after 2 or 3 days of forgetting to take it or not being able to locate it to take it).  He says he would never leave, but man, when he says things like that, I just wonder.