Waiting for the Tylenol P.M. to kick in…

I managed to fall asleep at 9 something, but then I woke up at 11, having to pee, and when that happened, I was too alert to go back to sleep.  This insomnia is really killing me.  So I decided to take a tylenol p.m., and get on the computer, and we’ll see if it’ll kick in with all this bright light here to stimulate me.  Today was an ACTIVE day.  I had a dr appt this morning, got there, and she was running behind, so spent half an hour sitting and watching PBS… that could have been worse, lol.  I LIKE Dragon Tales and Cliffor’s Puppy Days, and so does Shabree, so the time went pretty fast.  Sammi’s active, as always, and I’m dialted to a whole centimeter and a half… whoo hoo, lol.  Well, this is like pre-labor, isn’t it?  Things are progressing, that’s good… and according to the way God intended.  Woah, what a freaking concept THAT is! 
Then we went to the Cingular store to see about my dead phone.  I managed to convince Jerry to let me get a Palm Treo… with a new 2 year contract… it’s 175 dollars to break the new contract, if the need should arise, and the phone which WAS 500, was 200 with the contract…well, I need to send in a rebate form still, but I doubt we’ll go with another company.  We pay 99 dollars a month (each) for 5000 minutes, Jerry really uses his, I do not, however, that is a GOOD plan.  So because of the fact that we have such a high priced plan, I was able to upgrade early, with a new contract, and I am loathe to give up all those minutes for one of fthe companies that supposedly gives you unlimited time, but who knows about their service?  Of course, the service in this house since the AT&T merger has SUCKED, but hopefully w/ a 64k SIM card instead of a 32k, it’ll be better for me.  We shall see… I haven’t quite been able to figure out how to tell what kind of reception I"m getting in the house, though I DID lose one call today sitting in the kitchen, trying to put minutes on Becca’s phone.  I finally just did it on the net.  After getting my new, WAY COOL phone, which I am still playing with… I mean, it’s a Palm Pilot, with internet access, I’m going to need to start downloading programs for it, though I still need to put the software on my computer… which is honestly part of what’s keeeping me up, I want to play with it so badly, but Jerry’s asleep upstairs, so I dare not… and this laptop, the CD drive is dead because of the incident with the Dr Pepper (I’m just glad I didn’t kill the whole computer!)  Anyway, Shabree had to go potty (I was glad I made her go at Kaiser, because we were at the Cingular store an AWFUL LONG TIME) so we went over to Jamba Juice, she went potty, and I went ahead and got us a smoothie.  I was in the mood.  I don’t typically LIKE smoothies, but so long as they have no yogurt in them, I’m usually okay… something about yogurt makes me gag after awhile, so I don’t do smoothies very well, typically.  Then we went to Claire’s which was right next door to Cingular, and where my car was parked… Shabree accidentally walked out with a little purse and stuffed toy poodle in it, so I had to take that back in, and hope I didn’t get arrested for shoplifting, even though it was a VERY innocent mistake, we both forgot she was carrying it.  I’ve been SO adamant about the whole "stealing" thing lately that I was NOT ABOUT to keep that thing, no matter what, and I made a smallish production about noticing it, and telling her I would take it back in because we hadn’t paid for it and it didn’t belong to us.  She’s a good kid, so this makes sense to her.  I think actually, that it makes sense to the older girls too (I had an incident with Bec yesterday getting an art kit out of the garage that I had bought, but they think of things in the garage as community property, and they’re NOT, so I had to go into the whole thing about stealing, or taking things without asking, with Bec yesterday… I tell ya, it’s been a LOOOOOOG week!)… anyway, as I was saying, it makes sense to the older girls, because that’s black or white… you either paid for it, or you stole it.  With the art kit, Becca told me she’d just pay for it… I mean, it was a 2 or 4 dollar art kit I bought CHEAP at Michael’s  maybe 2 or 3 years ago right before Christmas, and have been keeping for potential presents… I think I forgot they were in there, and the probability that if she’d have asked me if she could have it, of my saying yes, you can have that, would have been high.  She’s gotten old enough, and MOSTLY responsible enough (though events of the last couple of days DO have me wondering… I’ll have to remember to write about the OTHER thing that happened yesterday that got Bec into trouble)  ANYWAY… Shabree knew it was wrong to just keep the dog, and I wasn’t going to buy it for her, so I took it into the store, explained that we hadn’t been paying attention, and had walked out with it by mistake.  The woman was understanding, and took the dog from me.  I had left Shabree in the car to get herself buckled in as much as possible, so she didn’t see that part, but it didn’t really matter, I felt the point had been made, reiterated it when I got out to the car, and she agreed with me anyway, so no doubt that she knows.  That’s good.  I’ve been trying to "black and white" the whole stealing thing… if it was not given to you, it’s stealing… if it belongs to someone else, and you take it without asking, it’s stealing.  If there is a broken gumball machine that just gives out gumballs (this happened at the local taco bell) to take the gumballs is stealing… no one was there giving them the gumballs… and they cost SOMEONE money to put in there, so they are depriving that someone of the money they would make on those gumballs.  Oh, the kids HATED that one!  And I’m thinking, am I being stupid here?  Who thinks twice about a stupid gumball, and how much does a stupid gumball cost in the first place?  But again, I’m trying to "black and white" this… taking without permission IS stealing, and it’s not permissible.  Wtih Becca, I asked her what the difference would be if she went into someone else’s home and took an art kit that she saw laying around that didn’t appear to being used, and she had to admit, there is NO difference.   Now I just have to combat Jerry’s always trying to get a good deal, even if it means lying about the kid’s ages to get it… that just drives me nuts, though I’m trying to just ignore it, because he’s an adult, and there’s a part of me that goes, well… it does get expensive to take 3 girls out to dinner, esp if they aren’t going to eat anything, which was Sydni for YEARS… it felt like a total waste of money to take her out, because she never ate anything… and she still has a tendancy to go straight for the rolls, the breadsticks, the fries, the fruit, and we’re just going, Sydni… PROTEIN!  VEGETABLES!  EAT PROPERLY!  And she just gets SO wired on sugar (they all do) that it’s absolutely no fun to have them after a whole lot of carbs/sugary food intake.  They’re literally bouncing off the walls, in their seats, giggling, rough housing, being oh so cutsie… ARGH.

Oh my… totally lost my track there.  But before I go on, let meexplain what Bec did.  I had gone to clean my bathroom yesterday morning, had poured Comet into the bathtub, then by various distractions, didn’t get back to it til after 5, when Jerry said he’d be coming home within half an hour (he lied, by the way…) So Becca volunteered to help me, which she did.  There were some matches laying on the countertop, and I wasn’t sure if they were any good, so by way of finding out, Bec brought me a candle, and the matches worked fine, so I put them away in the cabinet, out of reach (mostly of Shabree), and left the candle burning, as it smelled pretty good, very vanilla.  I left the room, might have gotten distracted with some laundry or something else, but Bec was cleaning, and Syd was "helping" her despite the fact that I’d asked her to clean the hallway.  So when I went back upstairs, I commenced cleaning the countertops again, and I found a plastic lid to a kid’s cup which you typically get in a restaurant, and it had an extra hole, so I’m like, what the heck happened here?  Bec pipes up, "Syd was holding it over the candle"  WTF!  Oh great, let’s just set the damned house on fire!  So I got after Sydni for it…only to hear "Bec did it too" and Bec tells me "I was going to mention that part"  Yea… right Bec.  And then maybe 15-20 min later, Syd marches that art kit into my room telling me, look what I found in Bec’s room… so I had to have a conversation with Bec about setting an example, about stealing, and NOT playing with fire.  I told her she needed to choose a punishment, and that Syd’s, for stealing, had been to be confined to her bedroom for an hour while she cleaned it up (kind of a mild punishment, but Syd had been honest about taking my candy, when I asked, so I went a little easier on the punishment, and also, I’d gotten a call from the PRINCIPAL of the blasted school, asking me to PLEASE send Syd to school in shoes that fit… oh yea, like I WANT to buy Syd shoes every two weeks only to have her lose them yet AGAIN… so part of her punishment was to find her shoes… which she found ONE pair… in the meantime, I’m trying to find her a pair of clearanced shoes in her size, which she can pay for out of her allowance.  Strike one for the Wal mart in Elk Grove… Lodi tomorrow, mabye… plus I asked Linda to check the Wal mart in Stockton, and I’d pay her for a pair if she found one.)  So Bec tells me, how about no tv for a few days?  I said, what about Shabree and Syd, should they also get punished?  She tells me, "You can send me outside"  I told her, Nope… you’ll just play, and that’s just trading one privledge for another.  I told her, "You could just get it over quickly, and take some hot sauce"  She latched on to that idea… which MAY mean it’s time to change that punishment… but it DOES hurt to have to take hot sauce.  She made me laugh when she finally did take it, at dinner… we went to Fresh Choice (oh I know… more of a reward than a punishment, right?) and she made a pretty big production of NOT taking it because she had the hiccups, and then taking it, and opening her mouth, waving her hand, etc… she made me laugh… does that make me a bad mom?  Oh good Lord, some days, if I couldn’t laugh at the things my kids do, I think I’d just cry instead… but really, she’s a drama queen (Jerry says I’m a drama queen… and perhaps I am… don’t mean to be, but it gets hard not to be sometimes, especially with pain… I mean, it hurts SO bad… but I would wail and cry even if there was no audience, and in fact, would wail and cry LOUDER with no audience… somehow, it makes ME feel better to be loud when I am in pain… labor should be fun, shouldn’t it?)  So, Becca got her punishment… and today asked me if she could light a candle in her bathroom, and I said "nope, can’t trust you not to burn plastic lids over them"  Which she surprised me by saying little about, except maybe she didn’t have any plastic lids, but I think she just accepted it.  I don’t remember, today was actually something of a blur, I was SOOO tired by the time Shabree and I got home.  After Claire’s, we went to Wal mart, I bought a steamer/fryer, some doggie ribbon and tags for an embellishment kit for a swap I’m in, and then some "essentials" toilet paper, etc… and I suggested we go to KFC for lunch, and Shabree just about had a fit, so I just went home instead, and as we were rounding the corner to go past the school, my phone, in its BOX (so I couldn’t get to it) started ringing… I FORGOT IT WAS WEDNESDAY!  The girls get out early on Wednesday.  I was only 5 minute behind them, and evidently forgot to lock up the house, so they were able to let themselves in… honestly, yesterday I would have been able to tell you, I need to be home by 1:10 for the girls, but today, I just lost track of time with everything that happened… was glad we didn’t go to KFC or the scrapbook store (which had been next on the list) after all.
I was honestly dead tired, but the house is STILL a BIG MESS!!!!!  So I got after the girls to start cleaning, and Becca cleaned her bathroom…so thoroughly, that it took her TWO HOURS to do it!  ARGH!  And Sydni just kept messing around, and Shabree… that girl is going to put me in the insane asylum when it comes to cleaning.  She’s SUCH a good kid overall, but when it comes to cleaning it’s like she’s a multiple personality.  And I just want to kick her ass from here to eternity for the fuss she puts up, at least Syd and Bec make a SHOW of helping me… Shabree just says I don’t wanna, and doesn’t DO anything.  Even when she says she will, she doesn’t… she stands there all "helpless"  I don’t know what to do!  So I make a suggestion… pick up the trash off the floor… and out comes the "I don’t wanna"
ARGH.
I HATE CLEANING THIS HOUSE!  And I hate the fact that I can’t seem to get a housekeeper I can keep.  It’s getting to where I realize, if I want it clean, I have to do it myself… and I’m just too frigging tired to do it myself.  Not to mention, it’s a HUGE source of stress for me trying to get the kids to help… I either have to stand there over them making them work, or I have to go do my thing while they get distracted and play.  Either way, it takes DAYS to clean anything thoroughly, and in the meantime, they’re just making NEW MESSES.  And they’re SO slow at cleaning… Becca has to get into all this detailed work which means half the time she doesn’t finish the job… ever.  Or she’ll just leave a bigger mess, like the other night trying to "help" me with my scraprack.  She just left most of the contents on the bed, for ME to clean up.  I was really upset.
I find this whole thing really depressing, and I’m tired of the mess, and I’m tired of dealing with the kids, and I’m tired of having a husband I rarely see, and I’m tired of being pregnant throughout this all… my house is STILL going to be a big old mess on Saturday, and I’ve threatened Sydni that she’s going to lose her party if that happens, which made her cry, and Jerry tell me that it’s too harsh, and I just want to know… can I live down my embarrasment at everyone and their mother seeing the state of my house?????  Sigh.  I wish I didn’t have to even HAVE the stupid party.  Everything is set at this point, but I don’t want anyone seeing my house.  And I don’t FEEL like being the bitch who yells when the kids won’t help, and I don’t feel like being the rotten mom who has to threaten to cancel a party because her daughter won’t stay focused long enough, stay off the computer long enough, quit playing long enough, to get the house clean for HER PARTY!!!  Okay… she’s 7 (or at least will be on Saturday).  But I’ve seen her clean, REALLY clean, before, she KNOWS how to do it.   So I’m not REALLY asking for all that much.  I swear, I’m just going to tell her tomorrow, I’m tired of asking, I’m tired of telling, I’m tired of cajoling.   If you dont’ want this party bad enough that you’ll make an ACTUAL effort to clean I’m just going to call it off now.  I’ll make her cry, I’m sure.  But I’m so tired.  Maybe I’ll see if Kim is up to helping, but I really hate to ask.  And it’s NOT like this can wait til after the baby is born.  Shabree made a huge mess of the porch, that Bec and Syd just cleaned a week or so ago, and Shabree, while she was able to MAKE the mess, can’t seem to figure out how to CLEAN up the mess.  I’m beyond frustrated… and I’m beyond tired, and I’m just doing ALL I can to keep my temper from exploding, keep my voice down (I did not do so well today, granted, though I don’t THINK I made anyone cry… maybe Shabree when I put her in the corner… for yelling at Syd… and no, the irony of that does NOT escape me)  My brain will NOT shut down, I am not sleeping well, and I just don’t want to deal with this party, which because of the holiday weekend, doesn’t seem like it’s going to go over very well anyway.  Next week is out because we’re going to a wedding, the NEXT week is out because of the baby shower.  I didn’t really want to do a party for Syd in the first place, because of the pregnancy, but if *I* didn’t do it, then no one would, and when Syd realized that was a possibilty, SIX MONTHS AGO, she about had a meltdown.
I could just cry.  Well, I won’t… I feel more like settling into a nice long depression, and so far, NO good on the Tylenol P.M.  Just TOO much going through my head right now.  Too much has happened this week… Some days I wonder if we give these kids too much.  Like they come to expect it… a big party, going out to eat all the time, big presents for their birthdays… for heaven’s sake, Syd got twenty dollars from my mother for her birthday in the mail today, and she was disappointed, because it was ONLY 20!  She had it in her head that she was going to get 50.  The only reason I can figure this one, is because last year, when mom was out here, she bought Shabree a bike, and it was about 50 dollars.  So she gave me 100 dollars to give Bec and Syd each 50 (and remember, these are her STEP grandkids… but then, I learned my attitude from her, didn’t I?  To her, me, and dad, ALL these girls are MINE and Jerry’s, and no special treatment for the "biological" kids)  So, she was just trying to be fair.   Let’s see… Sydni also asked me how many presents I got for her birthday.  I was taken aback, but answered 3 or 4, which is pretty much the case… I gave her a computer last year, when she was 4, she got a bike… 5 didn’t bring anything TOO special (not even a party, and you know, she didn’t even MISS it)  We MIGHT take her to the melting pot, which we didn’t do for Bec til she was 11 (though I doubt it, but it has been tossed around as a possibility)… and I just think… do we give her too much?  Her attitude is that of, gimme gimme gimme, and if I don’t get, I’m going to cry and wail, whine, compain, moan…

Whatever.  I’m just tired of the seeming ungratefulness of it all… and the expectation that this is what she deserves… even if mom isn’t up to it.  Right Sarah… she’s 7… what DO you expect?  That she’s NOT going to be self centered?  What kid ISN’T self centered?

Okay, need to put an end to this… it’s late, I’m NOT tired (had a nap from 9-11), but I’m sure working myself into a mood… or maybe just putting into words the mood I was in, and trying desperately to hold in… but the problem is, I’m going to blow up.   I’ve got to get some help.

All right, that’s the end.  I need to just post, and then let it go…however, I might need to talk to Jerry about this.  He’s just not been home enough to help wtth ANYTHING lately, and feels, perhaps rightfully so, that he shouldn’t since he works so hard (though I’m thinking, with WHAT results???) so that we’ll have money for all this lifesyle… and I didn’t used to mind, but this has been going on so long, at a time when I really pretty much need him ( or someone!) and I just don’t know how much more I can take.

Okay, posting.