Hollow

Memorial day was fun…?

I went out drinking with my old neighbors from fall semester last night. I haven’t really been hanging out with them and I was in the mood for some female company. I thought it would be fun and a great way to unwind after having some emotional outbursts towards Ryan this week. Instead when I showed up my friend was already wasted, and we went to her boyfriends, played two games of beer pong, and had to take her home. When we got back to her house we smoked some bud which was nice, and I ended up going over to hang out with my old roommate who broke his back and is bedridden.

The emotional outbursts may have been triggered by hormones, but I also think I’ve just been holding back a lot of feelings for a while.
It all started when he locked me out of my house one day and I sat around waiting for two hours while he finished smoking weed with some girls. I was enraged and tried to actually be mad at him, but I couldn’t stay mad and ended up forgiving him. That night he went out to hang out with friends and the only thing I asked was that he would please come back before I fell asleep because I was not feeling emotionally stable and I just wanted to cuddle before bed (especially because I had midterms the next day). He never came back or even texted me to let me know he wasn’t. He apparently passed out on his (girl) friend’s couch (a girl who I know he has slept with in the past). Again, I tried to be mad, but he was being too nice the next day for me to hold a grudge. Then a day or two later he was talking about how hot some girls were-and I snapped (or maybe it was that same day, it’s all a blur now). He has made it clear over and over again that he is not going to be my boyfriend, and I guess I can’t handle it, truly. If he is going to stay at my house and sleep with me and be this close to me, he simply can not have other girls on the brain and not care about me as much as I do about him. Sure, he helps me out financially, but that should not be a replacement for treating me right emotionally. I told him I wanted him to stop staying at my place, and he convinced me to think about it more because it wouldn’t be good for either of us right now-maybe we should finish classes first. That’s probably true, considering I have no money and he has been buying me food, and I would probably be pretty depressed.

But I can’t stop thinking about how shitty it seems like he treats me. He doesn’t even like giving me oral sex, but expects me to do it to him all the time. He doesn’t even make sure I get off from sex, I have to do it myself. He knows I have no true close friends or family, but leaves me alone nearly every weekend (which isn’t his fault, that’s just more of me being jealous) and always comes back way later than he said he would. He talks to girls on Okcupid and then tells me about it as if I’m not supposed to worry or be suspicious about him sleeping around. He always does careless stuff that makes me an anxious wreck.

After all this, he went home on Saturday and told me about how he met up with some girl from Okcupid… WHYYY would he do that right after I had all these crazy emotional outbursts. Why would he think I’d be okay with that or think it was no big deal? He tried to twist it "Oh she’s bisexual and interested in meeting a girl so I told her about you. She’s cute I think you’d like her." Does he not know what that translates to in my girl brain? That’s more like "Hey I met a hot girl and went all the way home this weekend so I could spend time with her instead of you. She is also bisexual so maybe I can get a threesome out of it. We probably did some hot and heavy stuff together already, because I give you not reason to trust that I’m not."

During my outburst last week he said something about how he has always told me he could never be what I want him to be. Well if that were the case why did he continually tell me that maybe one day he might change his mind? Why would he stay with me every night and look at me in the eyes and kiss me and have so much fun with me? Why wouldn’t he know that I’m falling in love with him (err, already fell in love with him… a long time ago)?

Obviously at this point I feel very used and hurt. Last night, when I was hanging out with my bedridden friend we ended up staying up all night doing pain killers and anxiety meds and smoking bud. I passed out around 11am and woke up at 3, bought some McDonalds with 2 dollars in change, came home, and fell back asleep until 9pm. I’m just now up, trying to get some homework done for tomorrow but my motivation is really not there. I feel so hopeless and confused.

…After hours and hours of just laying in bed together with A (bedridden friend) being high and silly and talking about tons of stuff, he asked me if I wanted to make out. At first I decided against it. I actually used to have quite a bit of a crush on him, but I hadn’t thought of him that way in a while. I was still fumed about Ryan, though, and figured he’s at least made out with other girls since we’ve been seeing each other, so it couldn’t be that bad. Also I remembered A telling me about how he was good at pleasing women and I was a bit horny from all of the drugs. Things heated up quickly and before I knew it I was so horny that I didn’t stop him from putting on a condom.

I don’t know if I should feel guilty. I honestly don’t. I have no proof that Ryan has already had relations with anyone else, but he also has never lead me to believe that he wouldn’t if he had the opportunity. In fact when we first starting seeing each other on the reg there was another girl that he would hang out with at home that he undoubtedly has done at least something with. (I mean you don’t hang out with someone for 10 hours at a time who you’re attracted to and not make any advances, right?) Regardless, he has also never said anything about not wanting me to see other people. Part of me doesn’t regret it at all because I got decent sex (considering the broken back) and oral sex (literally for the first time in MONTHS), and Ryan angered me to the point of trying to kick him out of my house this week. The other part of me wonders if I should tell him, and if he’d be pissed if I did (because losing him sounds like the most terrifying thing in the world).

Oh yeah, and the weird thing is, even though friend A is really cool and awesome and I would consider pursuing him as a boyfriend since Ryan is proving to be a dud, he is actually moving to fucking BRAZIL as soon as his back heals o______O

With all of this on my mind,
(and the fact that I missed a quiz today, and the fact that my Mom is hurting really badly financially, and the fact that I don’t have car insurance, and the fact that my rent is due in 6 days and I have no forseeable way of paying it, and the fact that my roommate has yet to pay me for any electric bills and it is likely to be shut off, and the fact that I have no hobbies or passions in life that make me feel like I do anything productive, and the fact that I might not be able to get my scholarships next year in school, and the fact that I have to get A’s in my classes, and the fact that I don’t even think I’ll enjoy the wor

k force once I graduate)
it is realllllllly hard to give any fucks about life.

Suicidal is a strong word. I don’t think I need to be locked up in a looney bin. I do need help though. Whenever Ryan isn’t here I usually just sleep as much as possible to pass the time until he comes back. I generally hate my old friends because they have so much energy and just want to do active "fun" stuff. The people I can stand just want to hang out and smoke weed and do drugs. Ryan is the only person in my life who feels like my family. No one invited me to do anything with them for memorial day in my family. Even the friends I was hanging out with last night all went boating today without giving me any kind of invite. All my "close" friends from high school live miles and miles away and we’ve all gone through so much different stuff since we’ve graduated that we can’t relate that well anymore. And now I’m on the verge of losing Ryan because I want him to be more, but what he is giving me is so much more than anyone else has. I’m sure I could tell some friends what I’m going through, and they’d be more than happy to try to cheer me up or give me advice, but it wouldn’t feel genuine. I want people who are always there for me and who always love me, not just when it makes them feel like a good person…

I feel like no one loves me. I feel like I’m all alone and I have to do all this hard adult stuff by myself. And that’s why I want a boyfriend so bad, so I have someone to go through it with. But I know that is unhealthy. I know I’m supposed to be independent and happy with myself, especially at this age. I’m just not. Ever since Kyle and I broke up I’ve just been looking for a replacement for him. I’m not whole anymore. I’m just a hollow person waiting for someone or something to fill me up. Drugs, sex, fake boyfriends, video games, online friends…. where is the substance? Why don’t I feel human anymore?