Constellations

 11/2/2011

is the date my computer reads. I wouldn’t know otherwise, I hardly keep track. I feel like theres something I’m supposed to remember to do tomorrow… oh yeah I have to register for classes for the spring semester. Ha! Assuming I’m going to get the grades to keep my financial aid next semester…

Oh but I wanted to write down the date to remind my future self of how fucking awful today was. I had a pretty fun weekend though, not going to lie. That’s probably why this week has been complete hell.

Friday night I got completely shitfaced and dressed as a bumble bee. It was a cute costume and it gave me the courage to not only dance on random men I don’t know  but to also make out with a tall cute asian guy (at a party, in front of everybody) and get his number. It was a good time and when I got home that night my roommate’s friend was at my house. It was the same guy who flirted with me two other times and I froze up and didn’t know what to do. He kissed me on the porch when we were smoking cigs and eventually he stayed over in my room. It was refreshing to have someone stay the night and cuddle, and the sex wasn’t bad at all. He was kind of small though and it felt like he was eating my face when he made out with me… I think he was trying to over compensate for his small penis by being rough… which turned out to work pretty well. He’s leaving for Puerto Rico in like a week or something though, so that’s the last I’ll ever see of him >.>

Saturday night was… interesting. I woke up from a "nap" around 8pm and just couldn’t get in the mood to party. I knew drinking would be awful and I really wanted to have a good time. Some random drug dealer who’s been hanging out at my neighbors had little pink heart rolls that were mdma, mda, and 2ci. Everyone I talked to who did them said they were awesome and better than any rolls they’ve had. After snorting a little line from my friend I decided to buy one and eat half. I didn’t dress up that night and we started walking towards some parties. I started to feel the roll and walking was pretty fun. The glowsticks and glowtoys we all had were amazing to look at. We got to the party and went down to the basement where a band was playing some really good funky music. I ate the second half and danced a little. I don’t really remember the first bit of the show but I definitely remember when I started to feel the roll intensely. It was towards the end of the song and the drummer was hitting the cymbol a lot. I could feel the tingling of the sound of the cymbol and it was the best thing I ever heard. I couldn’t move anymore though and dancing didn’t really seem fun. I backed away out of the crowd and stood by some guys who looked like they were feeling the same. The lights and the music were just so awesome. 

When the band finished playing I had trouble figuring out what to do with myself. I walked around a lot inside and outside and kind of tried to meet people but didn’t really want to. Looking at everyones halloween costumes was awesome though and I didn’t really mind what people kept telling me seemed like a bad time. "Jessica are you having fun? What’s up?" A lot of them were drinking beers though which tends to cancel out the psychadelic affects of a lot of drugs. We went to another party and I ran into my old roommate and his girlfriend. I made them come home with me and we hung out all night listening to music and smoking bowls. I didn’t sleep at all until midnight on Sunday. 

Since then, I kind of feel like I lost a couple of days haha. I started my period on Monday and woke up with swollen lymphnodes and a little bit of a cough and stuffiness. Obviously I weakened my immune system this weekend or something. But I’ve been sleeping a lot this week and haven’t really been going to class. I have like no energy at all. It’s really awful. Today I missed my lab class that is so important to not miss… I was pissed about it so I smoked a shit ton of weed and jammed out to music for a while. I smoked out of the vaporizer to try to not make my sickness worse. I just completely wasted my day doing bullshit, even though I have so much I could be doing.

I just now went to go blow my nose and there was some blood in there… not sure what that means… kind of freaks me out too lol…

Sorry for jumping around, I’m still pretty high.

But reflecting on how bad I’m screwing up in school and how much drugs are involved in my life now makes me miss the stability of having a boyfriend.. I’m not proud of the way I’m living right now and I’ve been searching for something to turn it around. I’m having some fun and I’m distracting myself from my pain most of the time but I’m not doing anything for my future at this point. but I am waiting around for someone to lead me out of this like a dependent little bitch…

What is the next step for me, I wonder. I have the whole world in front of me in all actuality. I could use all my free time to invest in learning, I could continue to do drugs and fail classes, I could find a new distraction like a boyfriend, I could go into a deeper depression and drop out of school, I could move anywhere I wanted, I could get a new job or career path…

I’m fucking 20 years old. Old enough and young enough to do anything… (but drink legally >.>)

I don’t fucking know. I just keep putting off deciding and instead smoke weed and run around doing bullshit.

I’ve got to go to work tonight and it’s going to fucking suck. I want to quit so bad but I’m getting low on financial aid money. We’re going to be calling alumni now to ask them if they want to become a member of the varsity club. Which means I have to learn a little about IU sports and keep track of shit I don’t care about. And talk to tons of people and try to sell them bullshit they more than likely don’t care about.

I just need to be sober long enough to fucking get a grip and see what’s good for me. So I can not keep working at this shitty job or keep feeling so shitty about my life.

I’m not sure how to end this so I’m just going to cut it off here. Fuck.