Ups & downs

I don’t think my Wellbutrin is working any more, at least not how it should be. I’ve been having wild mood swings. I can go from elation to blind rage within seconds. I’ve always been this way, but for years Wellbutrin dulled the highs and lows. What would cause it to stop working? Immunity?

My mom was a yeller and it’s something I’ve carried into adult/parenthood. My dad was bi-polar and mental illness definitely runs in my family. It’s like I get going on a tangent and can’t stop. I can step outside of my body and see what I am doing in the moment and why it’s wrong, but I can’t reel it in. If there was one thing I could change about my personality, that would be it. I don’t want my sons to grow up and only remember that I yelled – a lot. K just walks away from me which angers me even more. I’ve got to get a grip.

Today is yet another snow day. I’ve lost count now. This is our 5th I believe? We got some ice overnight and this morning. Of course the roads are completely clear and passable now. I don’t mind them being home, but they both hate being coped up inside. They can spend hours out back jumping on the trampoline shooting baskets in the summer. They try and tear the walls down in the winter.

Yesterday S placed 7th in the school-wide spelling bee. I was proud he won the class bee so to place in the top 10 out of the whole school is great. He probably could’ve won it but he gets nervous standing up there. Every year he gets closer to winning even though he doesn’t want to participate. He tries to “dumb himself down” to fit in with his friends. It is something we’ve noticed and worried about since kindergarten. He began doing it on day 1. He is insecure and a follower. I hope he find himself a little more in high school because his potential is limitless. He is consistently at the top of his class (usually 2nd). He pulls back when his gpa overtakes everyone else like clockwork.

This entry did not go where I expected. My mind is all over the place.

I’ve began journaling my food for the weight loss program. It’s fucking miserable to be honest. I did it every day for 2 years and never thought I’d have to do it again. After all the work I put in and all I learned, here I am again. The caffeine headaches have been the worst part. I think that and the lack of carbs have also been effecting my mood (obviously). I have to do this for months and then doctors and insurance companies have to review it…. Awesome.